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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

205 replies

JessieMcJessie · 18/12/2014 05:33

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

OP posts:
Chunderella · 18/12/2014 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knottyknitter · 18/12/2014 08:30

What age should it pass though?

It was fine when a close friend of mine had a 2yo, I understand toddlers need attention. He's 7 now, doing well at school (no sn issues), and if anything even worse. I can only speak to her if I ring her during her work lunch break (rarely as one or both of us often needs to work through) and we haven't been able to sit and chat in the same room for 7 years (not helped by her DP always leaving us with the kids). The younger one, strangely enough doesn't do it as much at 4 as his DB does at 7.

Neither of these is a toddler though, so excuses about toddlers don't wash any more. It's become a bad habit on her part as much as theirs, and is incredibly rude.

Other friends with children this age or younger don't have this issue any more.

She invites them along to adult events too, which given the shift of focus to them is totally inappropriate too, and does now mean she gets included less often. She gets upset about this, but can't see that by ignoring people for so long, she has become part of the problem.

Bakeoffcakes · 18/12/2014 08:31

Yabu

I don't think you realise that most toddlers are seconds away from creating disasterGrin If you get lulled into a false sense of security, because they seem quiet and engaged, and concentrate on something/one else, nine times out if ten, you will pay for it!

I think it's a shame you can't have a bit more empathy for an adult who is probably really pleased to spend time with you, but has to put the toddlers needs first.

ImTakingTheEssence · 18/12/2014 08:36

I don't know what to say to this.
I tend to stop the conversation say sorry and tell my daughter to be quiet because im talking. Sometimes this works often she will just get louder.

I find it frustrating because I would like to be able to follow a conversation. I would hope the person i'm with would be understanding and not be annoyed that im not 100% focused on them.

Chunderella · 18/12/2014 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackiebrambles · 18/12/2014 08:43

I do understand how annoying this must be. But I do it myself because I have a toddler! I always apologise when I have to interrupt my friend talking but it really is about warding off a tantrum/meltdown.

If you ignore, trust me neither of you would be able to concentrate on anything!

I suggest you limit meet ups to when the kids are in bed, problem solved.

octopal · 18/12/2014 08:49

I have a group of friends I made through a toddler group several years ago. Most of us are past the toddler stage now but there are two with 2 year olds at the moment.

If we meet up without children then conversation flows but when the two children are there it is a very different dynamic and much like the OP describes. Sometimes it is a little frustrating but having all been there at one time or another we realise that it is the friends with toddlers who need this most of all. We would never dream of excluding them. They value time with adults even if it is just an hour for coffee while trying to wrangle a boisterous toddler.

Knottyknitter · 18/12/2014 08:52

I wish it was that easy Jackie

The friend with the attention seeking dc I've been talking about and I tried that about a year ago. They came to stay over, the idea being the kids would sleep and we could chat with a sneaky bottle of wine.

Then 6 yo he refused to even go into bedroom, she set him up a nest on living room floor, from which he watched Mickey Mouse sodding clubhouse at full volume (in a flat) until about 12:45 (I think - I went to bed first in the end).

Despite this distraction, he interrupted every second sentence. Following morning, huge tantrum followed (unsurprising given lack of sleep) so not avoided, just delayed and made more intense...

Again, not a toddler. When he was two it was kind of cute, now it is not.

Jodie1982 · 18/12/2014 09:12

I leave my 2yr old with her dad when I go to see my friend, I love it. A proper grown up full conversation!

harryhausen · 18/12/2014 09:29

In my 20's when I was young and free and silly, my sister was having babies and toddlers. I used to bitterly complain to others about how I couldn't even talk to her on the phone without one if the kids interrupting. I was really really pissed off about it. How hard could it be to just talk to her right?

Fast forward 12 years or so and I'm ashamed of myself. I have 2 dcs who are out of the toddlers stage but I still have to remind them that I'm talking and to wait! It's like they have a phone radar.

I told my sister how I once felt and I was ashamed of myself. She told me not to worry. She's a much better saint to my dcs than I was to hers back then. God love herSmile

harryhausen · 18/12/2014 09:31

A better *aunt! (Although she can be a saint)

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 09:32

Yes i do realise, and i think it's fine. within reason. There is a social etiquette of asking these questions and showing interest in others, even if you may not have the ability to give the answers your full attention. I think it would be ruder and odd if your friend didn't ask you anything and just said basically 'i'm only focussing on my child' (i can just imagine the aibu now).

Also if she is a good friend you may want to indulge her a little. Those snippets of going thru the conversational motions with an adult are often the highlights of my day. A bit like a zombie still going thru the motions of their former life. Something inside you still wants to feel like a functioning adult with autonomy, even tho you know you aren't Grin

WhatWouldFlopDo · 18/12/2014 09:35

This used to piss me off so much, now I have a 2 year old and I know I do it. I don't realise I'm doing it at the time, just later when I think about it.

littlemslazybones · 18/12/2014 09:37

Grin I love the zombie analogy! Compelled to perform life even when you a dead behind the eyes. Terrifying but often true.

waterrat · 18/12/2014 09:39

Yanbu to find it difficult to deal with but yabu to expect anything else

I remember being in your position and it hurt - now I have a toddler and there is absolutely no way I could just ignore him or not constantly think of his needs

As someone else said - a parent is anticipating not just managing - offering toast or toys is what is stopping a child getting so bored that they become impossible to handle ..

I hate trying to talk to adult friends while with my toddler - I think yabu because if you meet with kids then it's child focused ! It's very unfair of you to meet when they have a toddler and expect adult time and conversation - sorry!

I think you just need to say to yor friends hey I really fancy a proper chat can we go for a drink after bedtime or shall I come at nap time

dancingwitch · 18/12/2014 09:41

Yes, I realise I'm doing it; yes, I realise it is rude. Can I do anything about it, no, not really. I just hope my friends are a bit more empathetic about the toddler tunnel I am in and will still be friends with me when I emerge in a couple of years time.

Chandon · 18/12/2014 09:43

I was not aware I was rude like this until a friend pointed it out.

She said my eyes kept wandering to my toddler (who was usually things he shouldn't or climbing things he shouldn't) and she felt she never got my undivided attention.

She got angry and said :"There! You do it again, your EYES always start looking for your child, you are so rude!"

There was not much I could do, I simply could not take my eyes of my toddler to have an in-depth conversation.

So I wasn't aware I was so rude. But neither was I able to change it.

I ended up hanging out mainly with other mums of tots, and have this weird disjointed snatched conversations mums of tots have.

And my childless friends I would meet at times my DH was with the kids!

BauerTime · 18/12/2014 09:49

Before I had DS I swore to myself that I would never say to another person "you just wait until you have a child, then you will know what its like, until then, you have no idea"

But im very close to saying that to you OP.

Chances are that your friend(s) are very aware of how they are conducting themselves and are doing the very best they can to try and please both you and their DC. But as someone said above when you try to concentrate on too many things (which you HAVE to when you have a toddler/work/run a home/have friends and family etc) you don't do anything as well as you would if you just stuck to one thing.

The alternative to your friends trying to give attention to you and their DC at the same time is to give attention to only one of you. And that aint gonna be you OP so either suck it up and wait for the kids to get older and your friends to return to normal functioning human beings, or don't bother with them any more. But the chances are that these friends actually need you and your support (however begrudgingly you give it) right now and if you are any kind of friend you will understand that and not think they are being rude.

nannynoss · 18/12/2014 09:54

Do you know what annoys me more? When you get invited to a parent's house at 8pm for a takeaway, thinking you will finally get to chat to THEM, but then spend the whole evening fighting off a 2 year old doing laps of the dining room table.
I don't mind being interrupted during the day time, but it's really bloody annoying in the evening when you thought the kids would be in bed and you've spent the whole day with other kids

anothernumberone · 18/12/2014 09:55

I can see where you are coming from but you are being unreasonable. Toddlers demand almost full attention unless they are engaged is some activity like watching tv or a much loved toy. It is a phase and it passes. You sound like a good friend though and very accommodating.

Beangarda · 18/12/2014 09:55

Jesus, OP, judgemental, uptight and passive-aggressive much? And thank you for educating us on what should, according to you, be an occasion worthy of legitimately distracting a toddler's parent's attention away from your conversation, and the rude impression we may 'inadvertently' be giving should we stop our exclusive focus on you for anything short of a two-year-old teetering on a seventh-floor window ledge..

As others have said, once you have a child, biology dictates that you internalise his/her needs as a priority, and by the time they are toddlers, you have a finely-tuned sense of what you have to do to stave off a tantrum, prevent a toilet-training accident, or do whatever is needed to manage to have a conversation with a friend.

You think they are being rude to break off attention to offer a biscuit, but from their point of view, they're trying to create an environment where they can keep talking to a valued friend. Maybe even especially a friend without children, who is a link with their childfree life. They would probably much prefer to be able to see you without their toddler present, where they have to divide their attention between you and providing distractions, but it's not always possible.

Look, I'm not without sympathy, because I remember when my closest friend had her first child, and I expected everything would go on as before, but of course her attention was focused on her son, she was distracted, and I did leave her flat repeatedly wondering whether she'd even registered my presence. But I was a grown-up. And I know now what she couldn't say at the time, that she was unhappy, struggling with motherhood, and isolated, and desperately depended on our conversations as a lifeline to our friendship, even if I found them unsatisfactory and felt sidelined and downgraded.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/12/2014 09:57

Op - have you ever spent time with someone who is a mother of a young child and isn't like that? I knew a mum who was determined to have "adult conversations" even when her son really did need attention.

There was always a tantrum. There was often blood. Something always got broken. More often than not there was sudden yelling from her about how badly behaved he was. Quite often she would leave early saying how she couldn't take him anywhere.

She probably found me rude for regularly leaving conversations to stop her kid hurting mine sort out the children. But I actually found her very rude for not looking after her child well enough to keep him safe and happy.

SweetsForMySweet · 18/12/2014 10:01

Call over/ring when the children are in bed, you may still get interupted but it won't be as often once the children are settled/asleep. The alternative is to either meet up when the parents can find a sitter or grin and bare it. My friends call at various times during the day, they are aware that we have an active toddler so I am likely to react if I see her trying to climb the Christmas trees /inspect the the contents of the kitchen bin or play under the table where she is likely to hurt herself or get stuck.

MonstersBalls · 18/12/2014 10:02

I've got the opposite problem. I'm so used to blocking out my toddler's incessant chatter that I get huffy when my child-free friends respond to the toddler while I'm regaling them with a really boring interesting story.

elelfrance · 18/12/2014 10:08

God OP I'm glad you're not my friend....
There is nothing more natural than a mother responding to her child's needs : she's probably just trying to prevent the meltdown that would happen if she tried to ignore them ! She's probably more worried about how rude it would seem if her kid started screaming the place down rather than how rude she seems because she's not giving you 100% of her attention