to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

[JessieMcJessie]

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

[Bulbasaur]

Well, you could ignore the toddlers. But then they'll start screaming and then you really won't get a conversation in.

Unfortunately, it's just something you'll have to tolerate for a bit until they're old enough to understand how to not interrupt.

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

To answer your original question, yes, a lot of us do realise we are 'causing offence' and those are the friends we drift away from after we have children. I had a couple of friends like this, and I don't see them much any more. Why on earth do you insist on meeting up with these people with their kids around if you feel this way about being in a social setting with small children?

After your original post, I had some sympathy with you. Yes, it is awfully frustrating if you are talking about something like a hospitalisation and keep getting interrupted.

After later posts... not so much. I mean, you are really seriously suggesting that you meet up with friends with kids to just play with their kids together and that chit chat like 'how was your holiday' is the sort of conversation that can't bear a million interruptions? I'd have said it was the perfect candidate for that. Also, if I'm just going to sit and play with my kids and not talk, I'll just go to a toddler group, why meet up with a 'grown up' friend and not talk

I also agree with OfficerVanHark that you do sound rather like someone who struggles to read social cues.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Erm...what?
Sorry op did you say something?

[MrsKoala]

Yesididmeantobeso - i don't think it's necessarily competitive 'hard work' just people trying to describe how it is for them. It really doesn't help when people say 'well i've had kids and i managed so why can't everyone else'. It is meaningless because all toddlers are different.

My toddler will bolt if there is any opportunity, so if out - even at toddler groups i have to watch him the whole time. He will run thru peoples legs as they come in. He will rush into the nice lady emerging from the kitchen holding the hot drinks. If no exits are available he will ride bikes/run into the walls/doors/radiators and peoples legs shouting 'crash'. We have many many issues with him which means, yes, i really do have to stare at him and keep saying things to him so he knows i am supervising. That doesn't mean i am not listening, but it does mean my attention is diluted. It doesn't mean i don't really really want to have this adult conversation either.

[GettingFiggyWithIt]

Google Helen Simpson cafe society
There is a pdf of her short story which is excellent reading.
I met a friend for coffee last week. She has a teenager. I brought with me a four year old and eighteen month old.
Of course I am aware that it is annoying for her to be mid sentence when I have to dive off to catch retreating baby who is super fast or catch toddler before she collides with another child (we pick cafes with a kiddies corner to try and give us a head start).
But she cuts me slack God love her. And I often forget where we are at. Or I suffer from verbal diarrhoea as she may be the first proper adult conversation I have had all week.
She is brilliant. Both kids were demanding that day. She continued the conversation by hauling one onto her lap and playing coins towers while I wrestled with the other one. She then held the eldest playing I-spy out the window whilst I breastfed the youngest. All done with us continuing our stop-start convos.
So you are well within your rights to wonder whether your friend knows how she is coming across but yabu to expect her to be able to not respond to the yammering if she wants you (and she will want you) to get a word in edgeways.

[ArgyMargy]

Oh can't be arsed to read the thread. You are so NBU. This used to drive me mad; now I don't really have to talk to people with toddlers because I my children have grown up.

[GettingFiggyWithIt]

Stealth polar bear
Sorry OP but that made me laugh.

[toomuchtooold]

weebles your friend sounds brilliant. Along the same lines I have great love for people who make faces at my kids in the Post Office queue etc - sometimes that can be just enough to take them back off the edge when we're out shopping.

To the OP: your friends with small kids have a large burden of caring responsibilities. Why not turn this on its head and, instead of being miffed that they're not caring for you, try caring for them? They probably could really do with some listening themselves and for you to do some distracting of the kids, then maybe the conversation will flow.

[JessieMcJessie]

LaQueen

Yes, this is exactly the situation I am describing!

I used to find it incredibly rude and off-putting, when parents were incapable of carrying on an adult conversation, because they were constantly reacting to every twitch, blink and sniffle their toddler made

Totally understandable if their toddler was distressed or about to touch a hot oven door...but, unnecessary and annoying, when all the toddler had done was pick up a book and the parent immediately breaks into 'Oh, that's your favourite book isn't it, Yes, it is isn't it? That's right, pick the book up' Leaving you and mid-sentence

Interesting that all those who have been at pains to stress how the toddlers need to be watched at all times (and Jesus, that story about the toddler eating broken glass is truly awful!) ignored the fact that I said that this still happens even when the friends have another adult in the house who is on primary "keep the child out of danger" watch.

Anyway thanks to everyone for their input/insults - I agree with some posters that there is a little whiff of martyrdom about some of the responses - and of course I prefer the ones that agree with me - but I am always impressed at the time and effort people put into AIBU threads, so I will take what you say on board and will consider myself educated and either try to stop feeling offended or just avoid these situations if I have anything of any consequence to say. Happy Christmas everyone.

[toomuchtooold]

Interesting that all those who have been at pains to stress how the toddlers need to be watched at all times (and Jesus, that story about the toddler eating broken glass is truly awful!) ignored the fact that I said that this still happens even when the friends have another adult in the house who is on primary "keep the child out of danger" watch.

OP, based on your original post, I wouldn't have much faith in your "keep the child out of danger" watch as you seem confused about/too self absorbed to be interested in the basic characteristics of toddlers. Some people who come in to my house are an active danger to the kids. I suspect you would be one of them.

And a bit at your happy Christmas really, after you started a thread that irritated hell out of ca 150 toddler mums... still I suppose if you are learning to develop a thicker skin that might help you the next time you find yourself competing with a 2 year old for attention and coming off worst.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Happy Christmas.
All the best with developing those interpersonal skills.

[JessieMcJessie]

toomuchtooold - Here is the post I was referring to (it's about 20 posts in):

I mostly visit them at their homes, to make things as easy as possible for them. Or often this happens when their DP is around too and supposed to be looking after the child, but that doesn't stop the child from wanting its Mum's attention.

I ceratinly wasn't suggesting that I would be taking on any responsibility for keeping the child out of danger! But well done for using your misreading as an excuse to brand me a danger to children.

And spectacularly well done for refusing to accept my thanks for everyone's contributions and pleasant Christmas greeting in the spirit in which they were intended. ODFOD (and I hope you take that in the spirit in which it was intended).

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

"supposed" to be looking after the child
the child still wants its Mum's attention

Yes, that would be a toddler then. That is what they are like.
Of course some ppl are rude, or have poor social skills but that is not what your OP describes imho.

So nothing that around 100 posters have explained about toddlers and how they often need to be managed, anticipating their behaviour and frequently touching base with them to avert a problem has gone in has it?
I dont think these ppl are being ruse. I think it's more likely that you are failing to understand their position and misinterpreting their behaviour.
That can be fixed over time.

You're welcome.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

"Ruse"
Sorry, rude.
Apologies for rubbish spelling.

[pictish]

I read this...

OP, based on your original post, I wouldn't have much faith in your "keep the child out of danger" watch as you seem confused about/too self absorbed to be interested in the basic characteristics of toddlers. Some people who come in to my house are an active danger to the kids. I suspect you would be one of them.

and I laughed out loud. Such high drama!

[toomuchtooold]

Hang on OP I know you said something but my kid just asked for my attention.


rdsafft66666666rr'5'/5/?#@@?

[JessieMcJessie]

theRealAmandaClarke what part of

so I will take what you say on board and will consider myself educated and either try to stop feeling offended or just avoid these situations if I have anything of any consequence to say.

suggests that nothing that around 100 posters have explained about toddlers and how they often need to be managed, anticipating their behaviour and frequently touching base with them to avert a problem has gone in has it? ?

I'm not sure exactly how else I can say "thank you for all your contributions, points understood and taken"? It seems to me that there are a lot of people on MN who wifully read sarcasm into every single comment made. Perhaps there should be an "I'm not being sarcastic" emoticon?

Pictish - quite!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ok. Fair point.

[JessieMcJessie]

The Real AmandaClarke Thanks - Happy Christmas! [I am not being sarcastic].

toomuchtooold guess you're too distracted to notice that StealthPolarBear already made that joke about 15 posts above you. Never mind eh, it was a good effort. [I am being sarcastic]

[LittleBlueHermit]

On still being distracted when DP/DH is present:

To start with, its very hard to switch off that instinct to monitor everything when your toddler is still present and awake. And, unfortunately, DP being there too doesn't always mean its safe to relax.

In our case, I'm the full time SAHP. DH is a wonderful dad, but he just doesn't have my reflexes. He can't anticipate DDs behavior the way I do. It's a natural consequence of me spending so much more time with her. I know that a particular look on her face means she's about to climb the bookcase/hammer the window/set fire to the cat, but she's only been doing it for three days, so DH hasn't clued on yet.

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

I think that the thing with being distracted while your DP/DH is around is, unfortunately, a manifestation of how seemingly equal and egalitarian relationships tend to change when children come along.

You only have to spend a bit of time on the relationships board, or the parenting board, to see the rude shock many, many women experience when their kind, loving relationship is rocked by the arrival of a first baby and their life experience changes. Unfortunately, it is still quite an unusual family where the mother of a toddler isn't default parent if she's present.

[Jackiebrambles]

Yeah absolutely. I reckon if anything ever happens to my toddler it will be because I'm assuming DH is watching him and he's assuming I am.

Therefore, I always watch him because its not worth the risk!

[sashh]

OP

My mother does this.

We can be in a group with one mother and toddler, it doesn't matter who is speaking to her she will interrupt to ask he child something, then have a 5 min conversation with the toddler.

This is not her child, the child's mother actually gets pushed out for my mother to talk to the toddler.

Drives me insane