to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

[JessieMcJessie]

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

[cherubimandseraphim]

Agh pressed send by mistake! Part of your attention has to be on the child and the surrounding room / area to make sure nothing is dangerous - you aren't waiting until the child chokes and then giving the Heimlich manoeuvre, you're making sure the child doesn't choke in the first place. ("Just let me move those grapes darling and mummy will cut them up before you have one..." etc.) OP I can guarantee you simply aren't noticing all the things your friends are on the alert for. I'm constantly scanning everywhere - oh, a dangling cord - a balcony - move the knife away out of reach - toddler is getting a face on that looks like a tantrum is imminent - does nappy need changing? - someone is walking past with a boiling pot of tea - remove pointy stick from toddler.....it's constant.

[Aherdofmims]

Also I find that friends without kids (or relatives such as my dbs) don't realise that I am still listening even if I am wiping a nose, measuring out formula, stopping baby from killing himself in some way etc.
I sometimes have to say "I'm still listening" because they just stop even though no one else is speaking if I am not looking directly at them.

[Beangarda]

I think every parent of a small child has a memory of the time they actually held the thought and finished the story, assuming the child was safe and thinking 'hurray, look at me, finishing sentences and talking to grown-ups!'

In my friend's case, it was at a university garden party she dropped into on her way from picking her two year old up from nursery, desperately trying to network her way on from a temporary contract on about an hour of sleep. Toddler playing happily by her feet as she pitched a book to the editor of the university press, ignoring the tugging at her skirt. Looks down to see her son has taken a big bite out of a discarded wineglass and is chewing broken glass - blue-lighted to hospital with lacerations inside his mouth, and lucky not to have swallowed any shards.

[cherubimandseraphim]

Beangarda agh, horrendous :( I think every parent has the experience of that moment you let your eye off the ball and baby/toddler has a near miss (whether rolling off the bed, bumping head etc.) - and that absolutely stays with you :(

TBH I don't think it's just the lack of sleep that makes parents / mothers of young children look aged and haggard. I think a lot of it had to do with living life constantly in a state of near-red alert and constantly fractured attention. They used to do experiments on this at the turn of the twentieth century, about how badly workers performed when their attention was constantly distracted and how fatigued it made them. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, and then in the few moments when you get to remember your former life, when seeing your friends, to think that they are getting on their high horses that you aren't having a good enough conversation is pretty shit. I mean my 4yo nephew is known for getting up in social gatherings and loudly complaining "NO-BODY IS GIVING ME ENOUGH ATTENTION! That's enough without grown adults being like that as well.

[Fallingovercliffs]

I totally agree that it's impossible to give your full attention to a long conversation when you're also keeping one eye on a toddler.

But some of the posts on here are a bit OTT, and some of the posters are becoming a bit martyred about themselves.

[DoJo]

I also think that some of my child free friends are massively self-indulgent and when they are telling me about their hard day at work or their hangovers or whatever I can't really communicate how these things pale into insignificance next to the experiences I've had over the last two years - traumatic birth and all. I do try hard, but it's quite an effort for me to show a LOT of interest and concern in how they're really tired because they were out late a few nights in a row, or whatever, because I tend to think they should really get a bit of a grip.

You see, I think that this kind of attitude does parents no favours at all - is nobody else allowed to be tired or have a hard day unless they have a child? Implying that the problems or stresses of child-free life are less significant than those of parents is massively condescending and incredibly rude. If you really think that of people that you call friends then I can understand why they take offence.

[pictish]

Three kids in, and I never did it, so I don't think yabu OP.
My kids were never allowed to constantly disrupt adult conversation, and if a friend came round, I made sure they got my full attention.
I told my tots not to interrupt and they didn't.

[brererabbit]

I've not read the latter half of this thread, ironically because I've been dealing with my toddler which is unavoidable.

I just want to say that controversial or not, life is harder as a parent. of course it is.
I'm not saying for one minute that you can compare your life being any harder to the next persons, but no matter how tired and exhausted and stressed ect a non parent might be, even if their life is really difficult, if they had children on top of it it would be harder of course.
When you have kids your other problems and stresses don't just melt away. You deal with them on top of everything else. And I think most people in hindsight look back and think gosh it's hard being a parent.
I'd never look at a non parent and think they had an easy or easier life, but it would be nice if sometimes they could appreciate how much more difficult it can be with a toddler and not have such high expectations. Some people have hard lives and really struggle to find child free time too. single parents that use all of their childcare on work or appointments ect.
I suspect you don't realise quite how you come across and this is a conversation that needs to be had face to face, because if I found out this was your opinion and you were my friend I would be shocked at how inconsiderate you were.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I dont think that comment suggests parents are of the opinion that a non parent cant have a bad day.
But its hard to sympathise with someone who is being self indulgent. A non-parent friend of mine who works ft (same demanding job as me, which I do PT) frequently bemoans the fact that she works ft, how busy it is when you work ft, how she never has any time to do anything. i have two small kids and no, she really does not have a fucking clue what busy or "no free time" means.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I have never met a healthy, age-appropriately developed, nurtured toddler who didn't interrupt adult conversations or need intervention during a long conversation.
Never.
And I have met thousands of them.

[IrianofWay]

I think you maybe don't understand that living with a toddler can, at times, be a bit like living through the Blitz. Complaining about parents being unaware of their rudeness is a bit like complaining about the rubble in the streets and the horrible all-pervasive smell of burning.

[AskMeAnother]

Their children are more important to them than you are. That's normal, the children and parents expect it. If you expected it too, there wouldn't be a problem. Change your attitude, perhaps?

[AskMeAnother]

IrianofWay - I'm scared now. My grandparents (born 1906 and 1909) talked like that about the Blitz. How old are you, and how are you maintaining life at this stage? Can you be seen in mirrors?

[MamaMary]

OP, YANBU.

What you describe, I have often had happen to me - friends break me off to pay attention to their DC - and it can indeed be rude. Especially if it's to offer them toast or a book! Now that is very rude.

I have two kids, a 4-year-old and a toddler, and i manage to have adult conversations with friends. My older DC knows not to interrupt and the younger is learning that if I'm talking to an adult, she cannot have full attention at all times.

[IrianofWay]

I can be seen in mirrors but I tend to avoid them as much as possible

If you had been treated to my MILs' East-end-knees-up-Mother-brown-we-were-all-so-jolly-and-brave-in-the-war spiel as often as I have, you would feel as if you have lived through it.

[DoJo]

but no matter how tired and exhausted and stressed ect a non parent might be, even if their life is really difficult, if they had children on top of it it would be harder of course.

But that's true of anything, not just parenting. If you work 18 hour days and then get a dog, your life will be harder. If you have chronic insomnia and then builders start working next door and drilling all day, your life will be harder.

To suggest that there is nothing a non-parent can do that would be harder than having a child is ridiculous and insulting - I know plenty of people who don't have children who have a much harder life, less free time and more commitments than most of the parents I know.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Vanhalen

[OnTheThursdayOfChristmas]

Meh.

I hope you're as good an actor as you proclaim OP. I'm what you categorise as a distracted-mum-of-toddler and even I would pick up these vibes.

Being jealous of a toddler getting necessary attention from its mother seems immature to me.

[pictish]

I agree mamamary

Lots of people talking here, as though constant disruption is inevitable...but that was not my experience.
My kids were able to watch tv/play by themselves/self entertain long enough for a visitor to have my sole focus. Of course, there would be the odd interruption, but nothing like what the OP describes.

[Rabbitcar]

YANBU. My friends have done this with their toddlers and also when their kids were way older. I used to tell mine I was busy and they understood (of course if they were in danger I'd intervene). Two particular friends would stop mid sentence and smile indulgently and have long conversations with their children. Surely children need to know they shouldn't always be the centre of attention? It used to annoy me so much. I have a great relationship with my teens, so I don't think being ignored has damaged them.

I think your friend is rude OP, and I sympathise with you. Just because you don't have toddlers doesn't mean what you have to say is not important.

[Iggi999]

I remember giving a friend my full attention once as she was clearly telling me something important to her and I was trying not to look every other second at my toddler playing at our feet.
When I did check him again he was gone, and the five minutes it took to find him (he'd wandered off in the park with some other children) were some of the worst and longest of my life.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

You have to keep an eye in them. Its not just a matter of them interrupting you.

[pictish]

Two particular friends would stop mid sentence and smile indulgently and have long conversations with their children.

Yes i have come across this too. It's so fucking rude.