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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

205 replies

JessieMcJessie · 18/12/2014 05:33

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

OP posts:
chrome100 · 18/12/2014 10:09

My sister is like this with her dog. I've given up trying to talk to her about anything when it's there.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/12/2014 10:16

YANBU - most mums do this (I am sure I did) but forget how rude it is because they live in toddlerland, not the real world. Before I had kids, I remember going through exactly the same thought process when I met up with two friends who had toddlers.
I also remember reading an article written by a new mum complaining about the lack of manners in other new mums - things like turning up late or not at all for antenatal coffees without so much as a call or text. This woman had sat in a cafe by herself for 45 minutes waiting for other people to show and when 2 did eventually turn up they did not even apologise for being late. So we are as rude to each other as we are to those without kids. Sorry!

TheLovelyBoots · 18/12/2014 10:19

My sister is like this with her dog.
Bonkers. I don't think I could maintain a meaningful relationship under these circumstances.

clearsommespace · 18/12/2014 10:24

It's why MN is so popular. Adult conversation and no one needs to know how distracted you are!

sydlexic · 18/12/2014 10:26

I think it is ignoring toddlers and making them feel excluded from the conversation that make them turn to attention seeking behaviour.

Meet up on your own or try to interact with the child at least some of the time.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 18/12/2014 10:27

Goodness me, I've lost count of all the posts that say "OP, if you want to have an adult conversation".....and then suggest that I meet them when no kids are there, etc etc etc.

Let me repeat : I did not at any point say that I went into these meetings wanting to have an adult conversation! I said that my friends were the ones who were trying to start adult conversations, but then not following through with them as distracted by toddlers. I am quite happy to tell them that I do not need to have an adult conversation on any occasion when the child is there. But they keep trying to do it! Therefore I imagine that they think they are being nice and the point of my post was to say that from my perspective they are just making things worse and may not realise it.

OP posts:
ChristmasInsanity · 18/12/2014 10:27

It's ok to feel a bit upset about it but you have to get used to it and everyone has their own parenting style, many people believe that they should always respond to their child for various reasons. Maybe the mum wanted to prevent a tantrum.

I'm far too sleep deprived to be able to remember what was said to me a few minutes ago if I've been interrupted. I usually can't even remember if I was the one talking.

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 10:28

Grin Chrome. My dad also does this. Calls me up to see how i am then interrupts me with a running commentary of what the dog is doing, has eaten, where it's sleeping, etc. Then when i actually start to speak he says, 'okay, nice to speak to you bye' and hangs up Confused Grin

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 10:31

Perhaps you should educate them OP. Tell them for their own good that they have no idea what they are doing. Do them a favour. I'm not sure you'll have this problem for long! Grin

Fallingovercliffs · 18/12/2014 10:33

It is frustrating, but I can understand with toddlers there's nothing much the parents can do.
I do find it annoying, though, when older children are allowed to constantly interrupt the conversation and their parents just let it go on.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 18/12/2014 10:35

sydlexic I do interact with the children. I've usually gone to visit purposely to see the children. Otherwise I suggest we meet up without them, of course.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 18/12/2014 10:37

But OP your friends are adults too and probably do want adult conversations. I think you need to adjust your expectations of how toddlers behave because it is nearly impossible for the parent to ignore the toddler who:

1.At any second could do something dangerous

  1. At any stage the toddler could pee/poo in its pants
  2. At any stage the toddler could have a complete meltdown

Etc etc etc they are toddlers.

What I like about you though is that you travel to see your friends and in spite of your frustration you continue these obviously irksome conversations. I think other posters are being really harsh it is not like any of us enjoy this fire fighting type during a visit so I cannot see how people would expect you to. I do think though the consensus is you have to such it up or as many people have said meet without kids.

anothernumberone · 18/12/2014 10:38
  • to suck it up
ChristmasInsanity · 18/12/2014 10:41

So, after the sleep deprivation, isolation, child to look after, she'll be anxious, worrying about the child, about her parenting skills, about whether you're pitying her or thinking wow she's a totally different person these days. And now she needs to worry about coming across rude because you don't understand looking after a toddler

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 10:42

it is not like any of us enjoy this fire fighting type

I enjoy it, well compared to the alternatives i do. Which are no visit and no partial conversation, or meltdowns.

Fallingovercliffs · 18/12/2014 10:43

Bit overdramatic Christmas.

Beangarda · 18/12/2014 10:45

OP, it's not all about you. Your friends may be grasping the only opportunity they can to have an adult conversation, because they want to, not because they presume you want to.

I have to say you sound a bit toddler-ish and 'Me, me, ME!' about these encounters yourself, with less excuse than someone who's only just out of nappies.

Do your friends realise how judgemental you are being at how they are choosing to conduct conversation during your visits? Because some of what you say sounds to me as if they may be terrified in case you think their children are feral, and are desperately trying to pacify them with biscuits and stories, or whatever...

FruVikingessOla · 18/12/2014 10:46

Knotty, I had a similar problem with a friend a few years ago. I didn't mind in the least when her DC was a toddler. But her DC was just as attention seeking aged 8/9/10/11 ish. I lost count of the times when, answering friend's question, I'd find myself talking to the back of her head - or even thin air. DC does not have SN, nor were the interruptions for an emergency - usually a request for another drink, bag of crisps, or just to distract mum from talking to another adult. I only heard my friend reprimand her DC for interrupting once. I finally gave up.

Chunderella · 18/12/2014 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 18/12/2014 10:49

Havent read the thread so just responding to the Opening post.

YANBU OP. It pisses me off. My friend did this with her toddlers and she now has 8 and 10 year old children who have no concept of saying "excuse me" to interrupt a conversation or waiting for a natural gap. And friend answers them every single time. Instead of saying, "just a moment, i'm speaking with Why" she responds to "mummy can we goooooo now!" And "give me your phone" with sugary sweet tones as if they hadnt just rudely bombed in while her friend was talking. Meanwhile my DC are Confused and Hmm she does it while on the phone as well.

Mammanat222 · 18/12/2014 10:50

This is why I prefer to see my friends without my toddler.

Quite frankly having a toddler is hard work and they do need a lot of time / energy / attention.

If my 2 year old DS is asking for a drink or climbing on the couch or terrorising the cat or throwing books around then I will cut short the conversation with whoever I am speaking with... Par for the course I would say.

ChristmasInsanity · 18/12/2014 10:53

Maybe a bit, but plenty of mums at least have a few days where they worry too much about everything. And the op does seem concerned at how her friend comes across

NewEraNewMindset · 18/12/2014 11:01

I wonder whether this is on par with adults (no kids in tow) who constantly play with their Smartphone whilst supposedly spending time with a friend. Maybe there are just too many distractions nowadays.

Onelittlepiglet · 18/12/2014 11:02

I agree it is annoying but as a mother of two small dds I know that it is pretty much impossible not to do it! But I find it's usually me who is the interrupted story teller rather than my friends for some reason.... After four years of not one single night of uninterrupted sleep and many of completely missed sleep, I'm surprised I remember my own name most of the time let alone give anyone the full attention they deserve Sad

cafecita · 18/12/2014 11:19

I probably have done this, but only if I am being interrupted by child. I think parents can tune out own offspring better than friends can, so I can quickly comment to child, then revert to listening properly with full attention on friend. Also friend has agreed to meet knowing small child there. If not acceptable, then don't meet people with small children unless they will never interrupt. Then what, is the parent supposed to ignore the child interrupting while you are talking? that would be rude too.