to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

[JessieMcJessie]

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

I feel badly for you OP, but having a toddler makes you myopic and insane. It will pass.

.

I'm just grateful someone has articulated exactly how I have been feeling for the last decade and actually what partially caused a row between my Mother and I yesterday.

It's the equivalent of going to a party and trying to talk to someone who has their head craned over your shoulder permanently looking to see if someone more interesting is about to appear or says 'yep' 'yep' whilst looking at their watch and phone constantly.

My favourite is phone calls, where the person rings you to engage you in conversation ( one would assume) only to talk at you for the most part and directly you try and say something that has happened in your life they have to go as the toddler/partner/dinner has grabbed their attention.

It's pretty funny but at times totally rude and exasperating.

Well, I do realise, at least some of the time.

But the bottom line is, most of the time as a SAHP (well, unemployed) parent to a toddler, I am holding on to life and my sanity with the skin of my fingertips and I hope that that is what my friends appreciate in return.

i don't know; I kind of gave up trying to see child free friends with DS because he is very demanding; he does need attention; and he would find sitting in a cafe purgatory once he had finished eating. He behaves fine at nursery four days a week; but he is like a loose cannon out of it. It is just too stressful trying to get him to behave and also manage the expectations of child free friends who have little or no experience of children.

It is stressful enough trying to get a hyperactive child to behave in everyday situations all day long every day without being judged by people who are supposed to be my friend but are clear they would really rather have adult time in a bar. Hard as I am a single parent with no support; I have not been in a bar for about five years.

And yes, I cared very much for the friend I am thinking of, I am just run ragged and don't need another set of judgements.

I think YABU. You will just have to accept that this is how conversations are for a couple more years. Toddlers aren't easy. Add a serious conversation into the mix and it gets much harder!

romeyroo I'm not talking about situations where a toddler is being made to behave in an adult environment. I wouldn't dream of putting my friends through that. I mostly visit them at their homes, to make things as easy as possible for them. Or often this happens when their DP is around too and supposed to be looking after the child, but that doesn't stop the child from wanting its Mum's attention.

My sister and dm do that with my sisters two. Ive learnt to quietly wait. Its very ignoring but just part of life. I dont think they aware they do it, although i think i told them once it was rude and got informed i was 30 plus years i can wait. Part of life. It gets better as the children get older. Yanbu but its part of the toddler stage.

New era ive had phone calls with babies!

Only read a few posts so far and wow. Really? Piper really? I can't quite tell if this is a joke or you are just being judgey because you don't have kids.
Toddlers do not have the emotional maturity that people you're age apparently have, hence how they cry when they are ignored. They are toddlers. Babies compared to you. That's why you should understand. I mean you cried? really?
How about you offer to look after one of these toddlers for the day? And see how you manage it? How you can do that and keep a toddler happy all day. Otherwise keep your poor judgements to yourself. If I were your friend and you were this inconsiderate I'd have probably stopped spending time with you by now . let's hope your friends are more understanding when you procreate

yanbu, when mine were toddlers I'm sure I occupied them with tv, (which wasn't on constantly so when it was on they were goggle eyed) and a snack if any of my friends or family popped round.

I'd find it rude to op.

YANBU. I'm genuinely confused by the responses on this thread.

YABU not to empathise with your friends and realise that they would much, much rather have a proper conversation with you. They just can't.

With a toddler you constantly have to ward off meltdowns; you're also so keyed into their needs that it feels biologically impossible to switch off to them - which is as it should be, unfortunately for adult conversation.

Even if your friends tried to ignore their toddlers in your favour, it wouldn't last five minutes and would result in a great deal of stress.

Parenting tiny kids is so hard. Cut your friends a bit of slack.

I think it's biological - you are programmed to focus on the baby / toddler. This is why as you state that a lot of your friends do it - irrespective of personality. It passes once the kids hit school but cut them some slack.

I'm already aware, but thanks for pointing that out to me - not sure if you're being sarcastic?

I guess, like most things, I try my best. I try to be a good friend, a good mum, a professional etc. Are you saying that we should stop aspiring to aim for the best?

MiL does this to me. DH is long past the toddler stage.

It does depend on the toddler. Not because some parents are better than others but because a few toddlers are unicorn children who watch Peppa Pig on the iPad play nicely when their parents are chatting to friends, but most are hellbent on world domination and only need their parents to look away for one second to bring their plans to fruition.

To be honest if I am with my friends who have small kids I expect to be interrupted. I don't mind. We try to do weekend visits so that once the kids are in bed we can have a good chat. However, once the grownup time starts, I do insist that they listen to my boring story about work/cats/academia because god knows I've put in the hours wincing through their horrifying tales of mastitis and episiotomies. Fair's fair

P.S. My friends have only started having children in the last 3 years or so and I am always amazed that they even remember to ask about me at all. They're in charge of keeping someone alive I remember when they used to dance, drunk, with socks on their heads, chanting about which teachers they'd do behind the bike sheds .

I'm the worst, actually, because I just want to talk about their babies and they are all because they want to talk to a grownup for a change!

YANBU. My friend does this and I hate it, it's so rude. I think it's good for children to learn that they are not the centre of attention all the time and it's rude to interrupt. They need to learn how to play quietly for a while on their own.

Yanbu to wonder. Yes I do realise Im doing it but as other pp have said toddlers scramble your brain. They require intermittent intervention to prevent a meltdown. Its utterly exhausting.
I assume you dont have Dcs and that if/ when you do you will the same, but i could be wrong of course.
Or maybe youre not very interesting?

Oh god I do this otherwise I have three toddlers continuously nagging and tugging at me and I can't concentrate on what my friend is bloody saying anyway! So I just have to say "would you stop that, I'm trying to talk to my friend. Go and play." And then I apologise to my (childless) friend. I can see he gets a bit irritated with it but there you go, that's how it is. Toddlers don't quite understand patience in my experience...

It is very hard to give someone your full attention, and I am guilty of doing this when mine were younger. Constantly looking around to check I could see where they were, interrupting a conversation to go and check what they were doing as they were TOO quiet! To friends it may have come across rude, but whilst trying to show an interest in their life and make it not all about me, me, me I would always have my childs needs/welfare at the forefront of my mind. Meeting child free is a great idea in theory but in practise is so hard to fit everything in. There are often childrens parties, childrens activities, family events etc at a weekend (much worse if you have more than one child). Evenings are fraught, once the children are in bed Id often try to catch up on jobs and then be to too exhausted due to often not getting a full nights sleep and ALWAYS being up at 6am, to enjoy lots of adult evening meet ups.

However, now the children are older (over 3 at least) things are getting a lot easier. I get more sleep, have chance to do jobs when they are at school or friends houses...everything is just less fraught. Cut your friends some slack, they don't mean it and it won't last forever.

That's what happens when you have kids I am afraid.

We are all so used to it when talking with other parents you don't even notice anymore.

I am often thinking of at least 5 things at once, not least is often 'What is DS2 doing? Why is it quiet? Where is he?'

So getting my undivided attention is um pretty much impossible actually.

I used to complain that my friends did this to me. Used to drive me mad. Then I had kids and I do it. It is very hard to ignore a toddler and you can't reason with them. I try and see friends without the children!

I do have children and I don't do it. BUT I have had my child very late in life and made a decision to concentrate on him if I am looking after him, as multi tasking made me a crap parent as I got frustrated and angry.

So when I'm looking after him I look after him (and mumsnet) and if I'm meeting friends I do it away from my child. The really sad thing is that many of my friends were childless also and when I met DP and fell pregnant they drifted away or dropped me - I assume because they didn't want to deal with kiddie talk and half assed conversations.

You tend to end up socialising with other parents. It's easier.