to think most people that are aloof, are actually just shy

[prankormistake]

not everyone but say 99%

YABU. Plenty of "aloof" people are true introverts and genuinely prefer their own company to making small talk.

YANBU. I'm not sure its as much as 99% but I'd agree a lot of people who come across as aloof are actually shy.

I know I've posted this before, but it sums it up perfectly.

I am painfully shy and worry constantly that I come across as rude or aloof to new people. I am trying to break out of the shyness but it is so hard. YANBU in my case anyway.

Yep I'd be in that category. Been called aloof and a snob. Neither is true, just so painfully shy I don't know how to join in

So the rest of us have to risk humiliation by being all cheery and inclusive in case said aloof person is really sweet and shy and not an uber cool sophisticate who already has thousands of friends and certainly does not want you as one of them?!

Still cringe at my gauche invitation to a I thought shy mum at a baby class turned out she was a super famous English actress who most definitely did not want to join us for a post class coffee.

I'm not sure. I've meant plenty of aloof people who suddenly become far from aloof when someone else comes along. Usually someone who makes a big show of appearing to have lots of money. Isn't that a strange coincidence?

But Kerala how do you know said actress didnt want to join in BECAUSE she was a snob? She still could have been shy....

I read somewhere actors are very introverted. They put on this veneer of an exuberant persona as they can mentally inhabit that persona, IYSWIM.

Anyway, OP YANBU. I am one of these shy people and when I go into a gathering of people, I inwardly pray, "Please no one speak to me. I will trip over my words and generally be a blubbering wreck"

So the rest of us have to risk humiliation by being all cheery and inclusive

I agree with that. Many 'aloof' people are special sausages who think their shyness makes them different, and therefore exempt from demonstrating social skills.

Almost all of us worry about what people think and fear rejection.

No, I think 'aloof' can be mean 'introvert'. Introversion isn't shyness.

I think every single person is shy at heart, but some can conjure the fear enough to out a good act on

Shy or not, I think an adult has a certain obligation to make an effort and learn some social skills. It's just good manners to talk to those around you.

My dh and I once went to a large dinner where the others just sat there and were too rude to interact around the table. It was like a gathering of Trappist monks. I politely spoke to the man next to me and got a grunt. My dh (whose English leaves a lot to be desired!) also politely addressed the woman next to him and got a "Yeah..." I felt so sorry for the hostess who'd made such a lovely meal. The only two who were responsive were our two gay friends, two men who are always witty and kind. I do feel the others should have forced themselves to speak or stayed away. Children can be 'shy' but adults need to shape up imo.

Actress might have taken you up on it, famous doesn't mean beyond making new mates.

There's a famous singer who lives round here and he & wife are good buddies with an old school friend met through baby group. They are really down to earth. Never fails to suprise me as I would have assumed as he was famous he'd be stuck up arse.

Always worth putting yourself out there for people just don't do it repeatedly. Aloof can mean shy yes but can also mean stuck up arse!

Respecting that someone doesn't want to hear you blithering on about what you're cooking for dinner just because you happen to work in the same office is also a social skill IMO......

hate spiders I disagree really, as some people that are painfully shy, it's just too far for them

I agree with hate to an extent. Obviously some people find it extremely difficult, and for a small number of people it's really almost impossible. But I do meet a lot of people who just don't seem to know that you can learn these skills.

I had to learn. My parents are quite shy and my mum always worries about being socially awkward, so it didn't occur to me that it really is a matter of just trying to chat politely to people and taking a moment to think how to start up a conversation instead of expecting them to do all the work.

I think it is slightly rude when people in a formal situation say things like 'oh, I never know what to say/I'm not good at small talk like you'. I had a bloke once tell me 'I can never manage to be interested in the little details, like you!'

No, I'm not good at it either. But I bothered.

I have never minded much about people thinking I am aloof.

DS1 comes across as aloof as well, apparently. But he has friends and he thankfully does not care that much what people think of him.

I am not too bothered either.

We are both quite introverted and like our own company. Does not mean we are not friendly! Just not "trying very hard" IYSWIM.

I like to think of us aloof types as calm and dignified

I wouldn't agree that 99% of these "aloof" people are shy. I'm afraid I've encountered far too many people who pride themselves on being rude and uncommunicative to believe that statistic! I'm not saying that introverted people aren't shy. Just that 99% of them aren't!

The secret is to be interested in other people, rather than just thinking about yourself.

I'm an introvert and work hard not to be aloof.

I don't think it's as high as 99%, but YANBU. I think shy or introverted people can be perceived as aloof (or rude or unfriendly).

It's a good social skill to be able to recognise the difference between someone who is uncomfortable/anxious/shy and someone who is rude/snobby.

Agree with hate and jeans. Most of us feel shy. It's "easy" to be shy as my mother used to say but as an adult you have to pitch in. My ils are shy and just do not speak at social situations leaving everyone else to "carry" the event.

Shy or not, I think an adult has a certain obligation to make an effort and learn some social skills. It's just good manners to talk to those around you.

Agreed.

If i'm in a social situation and getting zip back from someone then I'm not going to sit there all night and tease out some sort of friendly chat with someone who clearly doesn't want to/isn't able to have a conversation with me. Life is too short.

Agree with hate and jean. One of my bugbears this.

While it must be truly horrible to be genuinely cripplingly shy, I think nt adults and dc over the age of about 8yrs, should be taught to make a bit of an effort, particularly if they have been invited somewhere. I was always told that I needed to 'earn my dinner' so to speak.

Also, if you are "self-conscious" that means you are thinking about yourself, rather than the person in front of you. Which is rather selfish if you think about it.