to think most people that are aloof, are actually just shy

[prankormistake]

not everyone but say 99%

I have nothing against shy people, but at the same time I won't go out of my way to get to know them either. The whole reason being shy works for people is because people have to come to them to get them to open up and it minimizes the risk of rejection. Which is fine, but I don't see the point in putting too much effort into a person who's giving me minimal feed back.

I have ADHD and trust me, it has created social awkward blunders from hell. Trust me when I tell you that most people really don't care beyond 5 minutes, and unless it's horrific people will have forgotten all about it the next day. I just laugh it off or run with it, not much else to do at that point. Some people have brushed me off as insensitive and rude, which is fine because not everyone is going to like you no matter how much you wish it so.

I find the key to making a conversation run smoothly is to ask people about themselves. Takes the pressure off you to think of something interesting, and most people love to talk about themselves and their experiences.

Agree, it's not at all easy QueenVick; I find groups of people quite daunting. I think the nack is 'dropping in' on a straggler one-to-one in an as unobtrusive way as poss (although that makes me sound wierdly stalkerish ) and when an opportunity presents itself (ie not manufacturing one) and in a non-pressuring way ie leaving it up to them if they want to engage or not ifyswim. Can be a bit of a nightmare the whole thing though I agree but I've lived abroad for so long now, I kind of know I have to make more of an effort to make friends or go slightly batty [well, more batty than currently )

All I know is I'm painfully shy and it often comes across as standoffish/rude when in fact I just have no idea what to say and even if I think of something to say I'm so self conscious I generally end up hating the way I say it!

Watching my mother is a master class in how to behave. She is low key but friendly and genuinely interested in new people. She did school pick up twice, got to know all my friends plus parents I have never chatted to and the teacher. She is the sort who writes letters to places she is impressed by her letter to dds school was read out in assembly by the head. I aspire to be like her but am not nearly as nice!

Yes, it's possible that aloofness might really be down to shyness, IMO. Having said that, I worked with someone who would ignore most people, e.g if you met her in a corridor / in the lift etc. Not even answer to 'hello'. Others on her team said she was shy. I'm afraid most of us didn't believe it. I don't believe she could have held the role that she did, if she was shy to the point of not being able to answer to 'hello'.
If you get rejected conversationally again and again by someone, whether through their being shy or aloof, you will give up trying, in my experience.

I'm not the life and soul of a party, but I will certainly chat quietly to anyone, that I meet, in a social situation. It can be about events, locally or nationally, books, tv...there is almost always a common ground to be found.
Every job I have ever held has required me to be sociable, so I've never had the choice not to be.

"But if you express yourself like this in real life, then don't blame anyone who puts you down as rude rather than shy."

Yes, that's the irony in being an introvert in a world full of gobshites.

It's the "chatty" sorts who think they have a right to impose themselves on my time and attention, yet I'm the rude one for wanting to stand quietly and mind my own business.

I'm so self conscious I generally end up hating the way I say it

But no one else has hated the way you said it CalamityKate1! Everyone else is just concentrating on your words and the fact you've asked a question or replied or whatever!

i would say one of my friends is shy. She is totally fine talking to people but she gets exceedingly embarrassed about minor things and will be obsessing about 'how embarrassing it was when I said x three weeks ago' and I'm thinking huh? No one even remembers where we went for dinner, let alone that you said whatever to whoever which is actually perfectly fine anyway!

I've learnt that everyone says or does embarrassing things. No one is a more harsh critic than yourself in those situations and its best to apologise/laugh and then forget all about it. Because everyone else will forget too.

sazzle if you are asking people about themselves surely you are being chatty and friendly though?

When I think of someone being aloof I wasn't thinking of quiet low key people, I was thinking of the sort of person who will simultaneously look you in the eye yet behave as if they haven't seen or heard you.

Regarding accepting an invitation to a dinner, people surely can't accept it, arrive in pairs, gobble up the hostess's cooking and refuse to utter a single word, even when addressed by the person next to them? If they're that excruciatingly shy they'd better stay at home.

I realise my examples of 'small talk' might be 'dull' but they're just openers. The 'shy' person can use them to respond, and offer something in return and the conversation starts to roll.

My poor dh will manfully try to speak to people even though he is shy and especially in the early days had hardly any English.

I'm very sorry if 'Strictly' was a poor choice of 'opener'. But you see, the other person could respond with, "No, I can't stand that, but I do enjoy..."
Conversation doesn't have to be sparkling and original. But it does have to take place.

I'm shy/have social anxiety, the anxiety bit is taking the shyness a bit further, going from finding it difficult to talk to new people to finding it almost impossible to talk/think of what to say and my heart will pound and I will make my exit as soon as possible. I don't recognise the shyness as being something that then attracts people to make the effort with me, quite the opposite. Similar to a previous poster I am the opposite of arrogant, I actually think I'm doing people a favour not talking to them!

Conversely I have no issue meeting people and chatting along when I am introduced at a party or sat in table at a wedding. It's still tricky getting started and sometimes you won't find any connection with a person. What I find crippling is social situations where I don't know anyone and there's no obligation to talk - the school gate is classic, as is any social invite where I don't know people and I'm only there to socialise, talking about myself when I think I'm dull and boring.

It's actually much worse being a mother, I just have the overwhelming sense that in this country we are so bloody judgemental - parenting choices, the way we talk, how we look (I look a lot younger than I really am so could be taken for a having been a teen parent in a school where the parents are older than average) and even for giving up my job. I have been judged by people, friends we are no longer friends with, and it's horrible. I'm sure there are genuinely nice people who aren't competing and judging others' parenting but it's just going to take a while to get to know who they are (I do feel much lighter and not so judged when I don't have the kids with me). This is all with the background of a bad home life and bullying throughout school, it's deeply ingrained mistrust of people and will take a long time to resolve, if ever. In fact I'd rather people mistook me for being aloof than nervous, stressed and in pain - that's a physical issue, walking hurts, pushing the pushchair and holding a hand is worse.

I once worked with a woman who was said to be very shy, she never said hello or anything else. However., I saw the same woman reading clips of 50 shades to her friends from work and laughing raucously at them so I tend to think that she was less shy and more of an anti-social person with people who she didn't want to know.

I'm very sorry if 'Strictly' was a poor choice of 'opener'. But you see, the other person could respond with, "No, I can't stand that, but I do enjoy..."

I put a at the end of my comment about that to indicate lightheartedness (as we call it these days on MN), so I hope your sorry is ironic; if not, my attempt at banter has died on its arse. And you probably think me terribly rude.

As a native Londoner, I've grown to favour a more banter-ish approach, but it isn't really how my cohort of mostly MC parents roll.

No no, Somethingetc , of course I don't think you're rude. I'm well aware that most people on here aren't ancient old crones like me (70) and I bet a lot of the stuff I post is only too dated! I love the banter and humour on Mumsnet, and even the heated arguments. I can't stand Strictly myself.

I wish I could do those emoticon things (is that the right word?) especially the laughing face, but when I click on them and move them to my text, they vanish and a load of gobbledigook appears instead. A lady once posted some instructions but they didn't work. I'm hopeless with all this technology.

This gobbledygook, does it look like [ smile ] for example? (Without the spaces either side of the word.)

If so, that text with square brackets that appears when you click the emoticon e.g. [ flowers ] will appear as you expected when you preview or post your message.

Have a go now, see what happens

I'm hopeless with all this technology

I think you're thinking of my mother.

Whilst she has embraced text messaging, and can just about open emails with photo attachments via her iPhone (if I phone her landline and talk her through it), I don't rate my chances of making a MNer of her!

I'm aloof, but I'm not shy.

I'm aloof because I'm an introvert and also very suspicious of people as I often find them to be unpleasant and untrustworthy.

It's too easy to just label somebody 'shy'.

It's all too easy to label someone who is shy as aloof. One connotes the idea that someone is fragile in some way, the other comes with value judgements about intentions and motivations. Is it better to be shaking in fear or assumed to be a snob. Neither seem to be a great social identity.

I should imagine that many shy people prefer people thinking they are aloof because being aloof is a choice, not a condition that might curtail ones enjoyment of life.

Here I go to see if I can get the emoticon to work!data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhEwATAMIGAP//M//MM2ZmZjMzMwAAAP//AP///////yH5BAEAAAcALAAAAAATABMAAANdeLrc/jCSOeMio2g9SMwaUIjcA04bWgzNEBSEIBCwTAfsImwhvwk6zcu3GQIPhABmwGw6k56DQEkwVK0G7CRwlMIoYEqhi1Riz1Vo6xtG5dbEEsTlw1mQ7bt+D0kAADs=

See what I mean!! Whatever is all that??

Oh blimey, that's proper gobbledygook. Beats me - sorry!

whats that?

I clicked on the laughing face and slid it up onto my message. I noticed it had a little red bar sign in a circle coming out the side. Then I let go where I wanted to place it. But all I got was the gobbledygook.
Honestly. a computer knows when I'm on it and plays up every time!

data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhEwATAMIGAP//M//MM2ZmZjMzMwAAAP//AP///////yH5BAEAAAcALAAAAAATABMAAANdeLrc/jCSOeMio2g9SMwaUIjcA04bWgzNEBSEIBCwTAfsImwhvwk6zcu3GQIPhABmwGw6k56DQEkwVK0G7CRwlMIoYEqhi1Riz1Vo6xtG5dbEEsTlw1mQ7bt+D0kAADs=

Yes that is what happens.

What you need to do is [ grin ]

Leaving no spaces between the square brackets and the word grin.

(grin) but with square brackets

Some people seem to be equating 'aloof' with rudeness and lack of social skills. That's not aloof - that is something else. Aloof is a bit reserved, detached etc - doesn't preclude basic politeness.

I am both aloof and polite (not always polite on here , but I am in RL). I observe all the social niceties etc. Am not shy - am actually pretty confident and comfortable in my own skin - but no I don't gush with warmth and enthusiasm when meeting new people. I need to suss them out first.

OK, I'll try again!