To want to run away

[LostJennyWren]

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

I like the idea from PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange (at Mon 15-Dec-14 11:29) about choosing birthday cards for DD from age 3 to 18, together with things for a charm bracelet.

So sorry to hear you are in the situation your in.

It must be awful seeing your husband and child knowing how ill you are and worry about their future. If the worst happened though they will be strong and manage. My mum lost her mum at aged 2 and I can honestly say that despite not having her own mum she is the best mum I could ever wish for. My grandad is now a happy 93 year old.
I know this is premature and will
Hopefully never be needed but there is a charity based in Scotland that does provide counselling for young children that have lost a parent
www.richmondshope.org.uk
They may have contacts in your area that can help you now and your daughter if needed.
Sending you lots of love and hope at this difficult time xxx

Dear Jenny, I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think I have any words of wisdom but I lost my Mum as a child and I can tell you what I wish I had had.
I would have loved to know who she was, what things were important to her outside our family. I would have loved to know about her own childhood, stories from school, her first love, hobbies and interests. I would love to know her favourite food, what colours she liked, what books she read because then I could have tried them myself.I'd have loved to know about my birth about my milestones and the suchlike and I would have loved a recording of her voice and to know how she smelled (seal one of your tshirts in a bag because I hate that her scent faded.)
I know my Mum loved me and never wanted to leave me, she's still my Mum and always will be and I never called anyone else that either. Your dd will know of your love and your dh will keep your memory alive for her, just because you won't be there it doesn't mean you will stop being her Mum I promise.

Pick books that you like: she'll love them just because you picked them for her.

Could you ask someone in your family what your favourite books were as a younger child. A great way to continue the bond between the two of you.

All the best. I can't begin to imagine how tough this must be for you.

Remember that all hope is not yet lost. I don't have any words of wisdom but couldn't just read and run. Stay strong AND positive. Cry when you need to, scream if you must.

I'm sure you're in the best and most capable hands. Please put your trust in them. Talk to your husband or a counsellor. I sincerely wish you the best xxx

I'm so sad for you reading this. It must be devastatingly hard for you.
If you can get the letters done, especially ones for important milestones in her life, if not every single birthday, then that will be a massive thing for her. If writing letters/cards is too much, then make videos. But do it soon - a lovely MNer recently lost her DH who planned to do these things but ran out of time.
Tell your DH you want to do it, engage his help to get it done.

Have a look at Winston's Wish - they're a charity specifically for children dealing with death and loss - tell your DH about them.

Use this space to rant and scream and vent away - everybody needs that - and we will do all we can to support you. I am the other side of the world, so online when most of the UK is sleeping - happy to hold your hand and chat in the middle of your night should you need to. xxx

Do you have the book No Matter What by Debbi Gliori? It is about a little animal asking its mother,"What if I... will you still love me?" The last line of the book is,"Love, like starlight, never dies." This was read at my friend's funeral and was beautiful and appropriate.

thegreylady I hadnt heard of it but that book sounds perfect for my dd. Especially as we are going to explain that I am now in the stars.

My lovely, wonderful mumsnetters help me with something. I dont have much time left. There is no chance ofsurvival. All hope is lost. So I should want to spend every second with my family, right? Except I dont. My husband is downstairs entertaining our daughter and I have escaped upstairs to be alone. Help me want to spend my time with them. I do it just shatters my fragile heart.

Jenny, I think it is also understandable that you might want to spend some time with yourself, to come to terms with things, to remember things and to reflect on your own life. So maybe you don't need to feel so hard on yourself that you want to be alone some times?

The fact that your time is limited doesn't take away your need to grieve and have some time to think. Don't feel guilty for not spending every minute with them if taking some time out means that your time together is better.

Although your DD won't remember an awful lot of the things you have done together, every bit of love and care you have lavished on her will stay with her and build the foundations of the person she grows to be. You will always be an enormous part of her and her ability to love and be loved. Nothing can take that away.

Jenny, there are no 'should's. When you need time out, just take it.

Jenny, I'm afraid i have no words of advice, other than you're still human. You're allowed non 'noble' emotions. Your DH loves you and is trying to do the best (as you know). Maybe say that you'd rather him buy you a takeaway pizza, some beer and bring the duvet to the sofa for your birthday? Or another day and don't mark your birthday? Your DD will always love you.

I have found this cartoon (and hover over text - just let your mouse rest over the cartoon) to be helpful. xkcd.com/828/

Thank you for the cartoon.

Books and presents for your DD look at things she like's now.All of my DC have followed on from things they liked when they were little and have carried them through with them as they've got older.

For example my DS13 when he was 2 he loved to build things and make amazing constructions and he loved drawing.He loves Lego now and wants to be an architect when he's older,he loves anything he can construct and he still loves drawing.

Little girls in my experience from the age of about 3-7 love dolls,between 3-5 they seem to love things that help them with pretend play,shops and shopping,kitchen bits ect.Both my DD's still have cuddly toys from when they were younger that are still very much loved.

As they get a bit older making kits(where they can make they're own cushion,cuddly toy,purse or bag)have been popular with lots of little girls I know from about 8 years old.

Hula hoops and skipping ropes are popular as well.My dd and Great DN are both stationary mad now,I can remember being like that as well from about the age of 10,I still love stationary now.

I have days where I want to hide way as well.I think it's completely normal when your seriously ill.Being in constant pain isn't something anybody should have to go through and it's really hard.
Is there someone you can speak to like a counselor?are you part of a support group?xx

Hello there

We suspended this thread a few days ago because we had some concerns - specifically, that one fairly significant detail about this poster's family didn't tie up with her previous posting history.

We didn't suspend lightly, given the extremely sad circumstances. But as some of you will know, sadly we do have returning trolls who target bereavement topics, so on balance we thought it best to suspend the thread while we contacted the OP to see if we could work out what was going on.

She's now explained that she had changed the detail deliberately because she hasn't disclosed in RL how bad she's feeling, and she didn't want to risk her family finding this thread.

We're happy to say we've re-enabled her ability to post now and we're re-opening the thread.

Many apologies for the interruption. We wish the OP the very best for a comfortable and memorable Christmas. Any many thanks to those of you who have written so movingly and supportively.

Thanks
MNHQ

Actually, I'd like to say from my previous post that I think, if you can, you should make videos anyway. One of the things I regret most from losing my Mum is that when we went to see her in hospital on my wedding day, I didn't video any of it, just took photos. I also saw her the next day and chatted, but didn't video any of that either - then we went on honeymoon for 5 days, and when I got back, I had a hen party to go to. The next morning I got a call and had to race back, because she'd had cardiac arrest, but they brought her round. Except that I never heard her speak again because she was ventilated - and so I missed an opportunity to have her voice recorded for posterity. Voices are so special, they are very evocative - the first and last sense you have is hearing, so please record yourself, even if it's just an audio tape, so that your family can hear your voice saying that you love them, you will always love them, and you're so very proud of them. xxxx

I don't have any words of wisdom to add to this, but I didn't want to read and not post either. Sending you love, strength and whatever you need to get by.

I agree about the voices: the people I have lost, it's the sound fo their voice that I'd give anything to hear once more.

XXX

Jenny - I know it is easier said than done but spend as much time with you DD and DH. One of my friend's closest friend was rushed into hospital with no warning and it is looking really grim. They won't have the opportunity you have.

I don't mean to sound harsh and know it is a horrible situation to be in but please try and make the most of the time you have left with them.

Thinking of you and glad the thread is back.

Wishing you every strength this christmas and after op .

Sorry no words of wisdom just hope you can find some strength to enjoy your time with your lovely family .

So so sorry to hear your news xx

Hi my love, just wanted to touch on the 'everyone with cancer seems so strong' point. I have cancer (possibly inoperable - they're exploring options) and everyone says how strong and positive I am. However most people don't get to see the crying, snotty mess I am a lot of the time. I had one week where I genuinely wanted to be sedated as I just couldn't cope with the mental pain. I'm fucking terrified. It's not a positive situation, so why should you pretend that's how you feel?

I'm 30 and have signed up to a closed group on FB called Shine Cancer Support. It's for people in their 20s, 30s and 40s. It might help for you to talk to others in the same position.

I obviously don't know the details of your cancer but have you heard of a treatment called cyberknife? It might be an option for me so just wanted to mention it.

And trust me, your little girl will never call another woman mum.

Massive hugs love. Xxxx

Hello JennyWren. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I lost a dear friend to cancer recently. She was in her 30's and had 3 beautiful kids. I'll always love and remember her, and talk about her with her children.

Massive hugs lovely. xxx

Glad this thread is back Jenny. Thinking of you .