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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 12:58

Nobody can change your prognosis. Having a place you can say how you feel without offending anyone is good. You DD will always have a part of you inside her and nothing can ever change that.

I wonder if the people around you are struggling to deal with your diagnosis and so want you to put a brave face on it because it makes it a bit easier for them. Right now, you and your feelings take priority over theirs.

throckenholt · 15/12/2014 12:59

A thought that might help when you are feeling a bit stronger mentally. Any one of us could die suddenly (car crash for example). You have been given the bitter sweet opportunity of knowing it is going to happen sooner than you would ever have chosen. But that also means you have the chance to try and put in place as much as possible for the future.

Talk to DH when you can - talk about how you feel, how he feels, and what you would like him to do to keep your memory alive for your DD.

MillionToOneChances · 15/12/2014 13:23

Make sure there are photos of the two of you together, even if you don't feel you look your best.

Flowers
diaimchlo · 15/12/2014 13:41

I cannot begin to comprehend how you are feeling and my thoughts go out to you.

Take your time to deal with the thoughts that you are having. When you are ready, write your letters, make a memory box, video or whatever you think you want to do for your little one and family. This may also help you deal with your own grief.

She will always have you in her heart and remember you.

Flowers
ChillySundays · 15/12/2014 14:18

I am sure some people will not like what throckenholt has written but she makes a good point. Use this time to spend as much time with your DD and write future letters and cards.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I imagine your family want you to enjoy your birthday as it helps them deal with the cancer as Chaz has said. It is your birthday so you get to choose. No point in pretending everything is normal unless it is you who wants to pretend.

I agree with others that a memory box is a great idea.

Sending you big hugs.

Bibasbottom · 15/12/2014 16:30

So sorry to hear your news. Take time for yourself to process this so you can plan what you want to do for your daughter and family.

You are in my thoughts.

Xx

Hurr1cane · 15/12/2014 16:50

She won't grow up calling someone else mum. You're her mum and she will know how much you love her. I'm so sorry I don't have the words for you but I didn't want to read and run

MyrnaLoy · 15/12/2014 17:57

I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to face this.

I agree with everyone who has talked about a memory box and letters. Keeping an ongoing diary is a nice thing to do for your daughter too. Tell her things that you have been thinking, or describe things she did or said that day that made you smile. You can do this any way that works for you - film, written, blog. It doesn't all need to be positive and you can ask your husband to keep it back until she is of an age where he thinks it is right for her to have it. It's another way of sharing part of yourself with her when she is older.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 20:41

Thank you everybody for the support, you all have such lovely ideas and I feel stronger all ready. I am going to cling on for as long as I can for my dd. You never know I might be a medical marvel and beat this awful disease. I had a really traumatic life, up until I met my DH a few years ago. It's so cruel that just as I started to smile and enjoy my life it's time to say goodbye to everything. I want to do something for my husband as well because he is struggling so much. My heart is breaking for him and myself and our little girl. Someone hold my hand please.

OP posts:
Mereguemeringue · 15/12/2014 21:01

Holding your hand tightly dear Lost, we are all here with you xxxxx

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 21:23

Another hand to hold.

TaytoCrisp · 15/12/2014 21:38

Another one here to hold your hand...

niddy · 15/12/2014 21:54

Hi Jenny, I work as a counsellor in this field. You are not alone and what you are experiencing is normal. So much going on for you at the moment, it sounds awful and overwhelming.
I am fairly sure there will be an experienced counsellor attached to your treatment center. It might be helpful for you to make contact and have a safe place for you to take what is going on for you. They will help you support your family as best as you can and help you find some peace within it all.
Please pm me if you would like me to find support local to you.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/12/2014 22:06

Why not arrange your own funeral, I feel awful suggesting this as its a seems final.

fir your DH I would write a parent manual. How you would like dd being brought up.

Is dd christen, if not then do it and have a female you really trust to oversee dd growing up, someone she can go to talk to and take her for her 1st bra and that sort of thing where it may be embarrassing to talk to her dad about.

Chillyegg · 15/12/2014 22:19

Hears some hugs and a hand hold from me darling.Flowers
My dad died when I was 5 and I just remember it If I can give you any advice it would be to leave as many photos of you and your dd together doing loads of different stuff! So she can look back and go wow mum lived me so much! Because I can promise you she'll always regard you as her mum! I've never lost that bond and love for my dad ! Do as the others said leave a memory box,write letters and photo graphs and gifts.
I understand you must feel so heartbroken but I believe you'll be watching over your daughter in spirit like my dad Is me all her life.
Cxxx

Chillyegg · 15/12/2014 22:20

Loves not lived!

Firedemon · 15/12/2014 22:33

I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling and it's heartbreaking to read your story. I hope you can find the strength to do all of the lovely suggestions that have been made.

Perhaps putting together some of your favourite things for her to enjoy as she grows up? Your favourite books, favourite films on DVDs, favourite music. Some recipes of things you like to cook perhaps.
You are in my thoughts and I'm sending you love, courage and strength!

Topseyt · 15/12/2014 22:52

Another hand to hold from me.

I really cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I can't add anything to the lovely ideas which have been suggested on this thread, except to say that I hope you will feel able to make a lovely memory book / box for your daughter.That will be so special to her, and help her to feel as though you really are still there with her.

Newlywed2013 · 15/12/2014 23:32

My mum died when I was 3, my family kept her memory alive and I feel as if I know her!
Make sure you get your husband to keep your memory alive, tell stories about you etc!
Write letters to give to her on key events, 13-becoming a teen, 18- becoming an adult..... One for when she finds out she's pregnant, one for heartache, one for her wedding day so it's like you are living life with her, just your body is not there!
My heart goes out to you xx

crazykat · 15/12/2014 23:47

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're dd will always remember you, you're her mum.

When we found out that my mum was terminal I bought her a lifetime journal. It's called 'from you to me dear mum' and is filled with questions for you to answer as though your dd is asking.

A memory box with things that are special to you and with lots of photos of you with dd and dh would also be good for your dd to have. Birthday cards with anecdotes or advice for your dd, also cards for other things like finishing school.

For your dh a parenting manual as pp have suggested, with advice about how you'd like your dd to be raised.

If you want to spend your birthday alone/at home then do it. Your family wanting to make it special is coming from a good place even though it's not what you want.

It's okay to be angry at life, it isn't fair and you don't have to be strong all the time either. Spend as much time as you can with your family, make memories and take lots of photos. Above all else be good to you.

WheresMrMonkey · 15/12/2014 23:49

Thinking of you. And so wish a Christmas miracle. Just leave notes and videos everywhere telling her how much she is loved. At the end of the day it's all that matters

Toofat2BtheFly · 15/12/2014 23:52

My mum died when I was little ...I have never called anyone else mum .
I don't remember much but I do know her , I have her pictures up , my kids know all about her , she is very much with me at all times and I talk to her everyday ... I'm now 33 btw ..

I know she would have never of left if she didn't have too and ur DD will know the same ...

Write her letters , make some video's but most of all teach ur DH how to do her hair ( my DF was rubbish at this and it's the thing I remember most , the thing that set me apart from my friends)

You are perfectly within your rights to feel shit right now but your not dead yet .. Please make the most of living , your DD needs you and that will never change .

You can do this , have some faith In Yourself ... Sending lots of love and hope your way .. My heart goes out to all of you Flowers

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 00:08

You know that anything you write for your daughter, or put away for her like the cards/charms idea, she will cherish and be grateful for because through that you show her your love. And while you're with her, every moment, every kiss or smile is 'one in the bank' for later.

You might want to leave messages with people, for her when she's older.

Quite accidentally, when I was teaching, I received a 'message' from a parent. He said to me (of his a 'little bit disruptive in class' daughter) "She's our baby and we love her." I remembered it because it seemed special and meaningful. He was an older man, not in good health, and shortly afterwards, he died. A few years later his daughter was in one of my lessons, and mentioned the loss of her father. I was able to tell her what he had told me. She cried and we had a good talk about death and loss, and her anger that he had left her when she still needed him, and how she had known he loved her. I felt that I'd been entrusted with something precious and that she needed to hear. So I think words left with people, as well as notes and cards, can be important.

Ludoole · 16/12/2014 00:18

My partner has terminal cancer and has made me a wooden memory box for xmas (we call it our happy box). He is filling it with happy memories (which we will add to as long as possible).
He has included a dvd of himself which im not allowed to watch until hes gone but he assures me i will be able to hear him say he loves me).

Maybe you could build your own happy box with your daughter?
Im looking forward to adding as many happy memories as we can to ours.

Take care.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 00:24

My dad listens every night to an audio tape of my mum, singing. Ludoole's dvd reminded me. Those things can be very comforting. And photographs of you and your daughter together.