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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2014 16:31

You are entitled to grieve for the future you thought you had together. That doesn't mean that you want your DH to be unhappy for the rest of his life; just that you wish things could have worked out differently.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 20:37

AskMeAnother I want to tell them that I'm sorry. Sorry for leaving them. Sorry for every minute I have ever wasted with petty stupid arguments. Sorry that sometimes I have been pretty unlovable and thankful that they have loved me anyway. I want to tell them it's ok to miss me and feel sad when I've gone but I don't want it to ruin there whole lives
And I want to send you so much love and concern that it bolsters you up for a short while so that you can do that. Or just print it out from here. Its beautiful.

TaytoCrisp · 17/12/2014 00:24

Good point from chaz - you are probably also grieving for the future you thought you had with DH. Though you sound brave and courageous despite also feeling so understandably sad and anxious.. I guess all these feelings will come and go. I think you are amazing. Holding your hand my dear xxx

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 08:44

I only have a few months left on this earth. I should be making the most of it. Im not. The calm has left. The panic is back. I have sat my daughter in front of the tv so I can quietly but uncontrollably sob. All that is running through my head is life is not fair. Yesterday I was given some more bad news about my cancer. I didnt think it could get worse. Please God help. Somebody help me. I cant cope anymore. I dont want to die. What even happens to you when you die??

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Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 08:48

Im sorry. Im not even sure mumsnet is the right place for this topic of conversation. I just needed to talk to other mothers. Its all of our worse fears isnt it? Us leaving our children too young. In some ways I am thankful my dd is so young. It wont be too hard for her if its all she has ever known.

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Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 08:52

Probably tmi here but last night DH and I attempted to be some what intimate. It failed. Both of our minds too full of death and hopelesness. Already our marriage has changed from lovers to dying woman and her carer. I expect it will be a relief for him when I do die.

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Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 08:55

Wow sorry I see I have just had the worlds biggest self pity party. If anyone is there more hand holding required please. Dd switched tv off and wants her breakfast. Time to smile.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 17/12/2014 09:04

Lots of sympathy from me. Flowers

You're in a heartbreaking situation and you're absolutely allowed a pity party. It is so sad and YES MN is exactly the right place for you and your thoughts - there have been many brave women with serious illnesses who posted here and received support from kind MNers.

Do your DH and DD have love and support from other friends/family? Is there anything you could do now to make sure that's there for the future?

thegreylady · 17/12/2014 09:05

There is a charity called Winston's Wish which is for bereaved children and their parents. They have wonderful memory boxes and lots of ideas of memories to include (like a bottle of your favourite perfume and photos of you together). They will recommend books and will help ypur dd and dh afterwards too.
No one can change what will happen but there are miracles and a prognosis is only an average. If 2 in 100 survive 5+ years with your cancer then you could be one of the two. Hold tight sweetheart and enjoy as many days as you can.

ohtheholidays · 17/12/2014 09:06

Haven't read all the posts.I would make a video/DVD of yourself,read some children's stories on it(I think that would be lovely for your DD to be able to hear you reading a story to her)If it was me I'd do lots of different stories for different ages as she grows up.

You could record you reading favorite poems.

For when she's older I'd record myself talking about what it was like when I was growing up,about my children's grandparents and aunties and uncles.What I did on the weekend,who my friends were,what my favorite sweets were,how much pocket money I got,what I spent it on,what music I listened to,about school and any hobbies I had.

I have 5DC and as they've got older these are all things they've wanted to know about me and my life.

I'd buy a gift for every birthday she'll have and wrap it.Write a tag and attach it with a special little message on.Put her age for each birthday for each present to make sure she gets them in order.

Have lots of pictures taken of you together and put them into albums for her so she can look at them when she wants.

Get someone to record you together when your playing,out and about,when you just lazing around and having a cuddle together.It will be a real connection something tangible for her.

If someone has any old report cards,pictures you did as a child,stories,exam results ect I'd put them all into a box that she can keep and look at when she's older when ever she wants to.

If it was me,I know this will be one of the hardest parts but I would write a letter to her for her wedding day just in case,if she does get married when she's older I think it would mean the world to her.

It's awful and completely unfair what your having to go through.I hope you get all the support you need and that people listen to you and follow your lead.I'll be praying for you.xx

thegreylady · 17/12/2014 09:10

Have you had a second opinion? Have you been seen at the Marsden?
As for what happens when we die no one knows. I believe we go on in some way but I don't understand. If you want to read a work of fiction (there are no facts) try The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. You could also talk to someone in your local church, you don't need to be a member.

londonrach · 17/12/2014 09:13

Nothing to add just giving you my hand. Mn is the right place for you. There will be others along soon who will support you better but till then my hand is holding yours. Xxxxxx

Meechimoo · 17/12/2014 09:14

I lost my Dad when I was a child and a day doesn't go by when I don't think of him.
Not a day.
She won't ever forget you xx

ohtheholidays · 17/12/2014 09:19

I believe when we die we go to heaven.No pain,no fear,no judgement.We get to be with all the one's that we love and have lost whilst getting to watch over the one's we love on earth without any sadness or guilt or jealousy.

I don't know how long I have with my 5DC and my DH.We lost my Mum this year and my one wish is I don't go before my poor father as I now know he just wouldn't cope.

All you can do is cope in what ever way is right for you.

wishywashywanda · 17/12/2014 09:38

Hi jenny, Just had an idea, if you have one nearby, or someone can get there, build a bear have little voice recording things what go inside a bear, then your little girl will be able to hear your voice and snuggle up to her special bear every night.
Thinking of you xx

formerbabe · 17/12/2014 09:40

Morning op...just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today. I lost both my parents when I was quite young, I have photos of them round my house and tell my children about them...they are not forgotten. I'm not sure what happens when we die but I believe we achieve peace in some way....xx

Izzy24 · 17/12/2014 10:17

Dear OP,

I know a family where the Mum died leaving 3 young children. Her husband loved her very much. He still loves her now, even tho he is very happily married again. His first wife, and all they shared with each other, is inextricably part of him. So he carries her forward with him.

It is hard for his children (who are now adults) that they have no-one who can tell them what their mum was like when she was a little girl, a schoolgirl, a young woman because there were no friends or relatives who could do this. And her husband knew her only as a grien woman. There wasn't enough time together for him to learn all those little details which make the picture past. So if you, or your friends and relatives, can help your children really KNOW you by leaving a memory box of who you are, I think that would be very sustaining for them.

I don't know what happens when we die. I do know that love never ends.

Izzy24 · 17/12/2014 10:18

Sorry , grown woman.

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 10:26

I do know that love never ends
I believe this too.

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 10:29

Im not even sure mumsnet is the right place for this topic of conversation
Yes, it is. Its where you are, where you can speak freely and where other people can offer you love and support.

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 10:51

What even happens to you when you die
I had a brain haemorrhage and a near death experience.
I told God I was ready to go. I didn't think I was good enough for Heaven, I just wanted to curl up somewhere and not suffer too much! So I did that (the image was of the 'walls of heaven', cloudlike) but I was drawn in through the walls. I was amazed and overjoyed, I hadn't expected to be allowed in! Then I was called. I clearly heard my name called. I had to go towards the light. The light was white-gold. It gave of heat that warmed but didn't burn. There was a sense of absolute knowledge, understanding, acceptance and love. I was asked if I had anything more to do. I replied that I didn't think my daughter had finished with me yet, and immediately I was back in the real world. I had an enormous sense of loss and longing but also a great reassurance that after death, there is a place to be, where you are healed, safe, loved and cherished.
That was years ago now. I've been surprised how often I've been called to speak about it or write about it. Its as if I was given a mission, but I don't have to go out and preach, I just go about life and people ask.

I was not facing your situation, I wasn't so young, didn't have tiny dependents, it wasn't so unfair. But I believed what I experienced and I hope and trust that something like it is there for you, and that when you have to go, you go to love and bliss.

My mum, old and ailing, ready to die, died in March. Family members have seen her in dreams, young and healthy. I saw her on a train with her friend, heading off somewhere, having fun. My dad saw her putting on her lipstick ready for a night out!

I don't know. It could be so much superstitious nonsense. But I hope its real. I hope God is, and that He is love, and that He will let you know this so that you can be comforted and reassured. Jesus told his disciples
"Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, also believe in Me. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; I go to prepare a place for you." (John 14).

Whatever your own beliefs and ideas, I hope I have not offended you or caused you any unhappiness. Sending loving thoughts.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/12/2014 10:54

I'm so sorry to hear this what an awful situation

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 11:45

**AskMeAnother thank you your posts are always beautifully insightful, tear inducing and helpful. Im not sure I believe. I told my husband that we are all made of stars and when we die we return to them and that he can look for me there and to tell our daughter that whenever she feels alone that mummy is in the stars always watching over her. Thats probably nonsense though.
Love never dies. I like that.
I will buy her birthday presents but how will I chose what to get her? Same with books I have no idea what she would like.

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Original poster
LostJennyWren · 17/12/2014 11:51

Right now I dont care about 5 more years I just want enough time to sort myself out and make the memory boxes. At a push I'd like 6 more months so I can see her third Birthday. I feel so tired though. Everything aches.

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PoppySausage · 17/12/2014 11:56

Oh op I'm so sorry. Letters sound lovely. Maybe you could do some birthday cards too? Do what you need on your birthday

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