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MNHQ have commented on this thread

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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

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Shakey1500 · 19/12/2014 18:21

Another hand across the airways to hold here

Some really lovely words and suggestions already.

I think what I would like to do is have myself videoed and speak for each occasion on each of them. So for example (for 13th birthday) I'd say how I was when I was that age, mention puberty (if your that way inclined etc), boys, etc

Wedding day, how proud you are, she looks beautiful, marriage tips. You get the general gist. Then make sure all the family friends know about them to be given to her at each chosen milestone. There can be as many as you want, 10th birthday (double figures) 13th (teenager) 18th etc etc

Wishing and sending you lots of strength

deadduck · 19/12/2014 19:10

I haven't read the whole thread (because I just can't). I just want to say this: YOU WILL MATTER. if you don't want her to call another woman mum, make sure to tell your husband, he will make sure she remembers you and nobody takes your place.

All the best.

LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 10:07

Hello everyone after talking to MNHQ I have realised that some of the details of my posts that I changed may be unfair to all of you. You see my young dd is actually my young DS. I changed this detail to protect my family, I didn't want them finding this, identifying me and realising how much I am struggling to cope. I am trying so hard to be brave for them. I know I have the easy job, once I have died it is them who will have to deal with the grief and fall out not me. I am so sorry if by trying to protect myself and my family I have hurt other people. I did not consider the fact people were posting about the very special mother-daughter relationship and the pain of a daughter losing a mother.

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AskMeAnother · 20/12/2014 11:19

Mother-son is very special, too, Jenny, isn't it? I don't think anyone would blame you for taking whatever steps you need to cope at this time.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs and positive thoughts.

Izzy24 · 20/12/2014 11:32

No apology needed IMO Jenny.

I'm going slightly against the tide here: I think it takes a vast amount of emotional energy to write letters, prepare gifts for future events. If that's what you choose to do, then great. But don't feel burdened by it.

ChillySundays · 20/12/2014 17:14

Understand why you changed details.

Mother-son relationships are just as special as mother-daughters. I have one of each.

If you are going to write letters there will still be the same milestones (mostly) whether son or daughter.

LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 19:10

Thank you all for being so understanding. My husband doesn't seem to want me to prepare for the future. He is sure I will survive, even though we have been told thhat my cancer is incurable and not operable, it has spread to too many places. I wish I could believe in miracles, but really I know I only have months left. How do I get him on board? I am too ill to prepare memory boxes by myself. He thinks I should take it day by day and enjoy the time I have without wasting my energies on an uncertain future. I don't have the energy to argue.

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Goldmandra · 20/12/2014 19:29

Perhaps the truth is too hard for him to face at the moment.

Is there anyone else who could help you prepare the memory boxes and anything else you would like to leave for your loved ones?

I know this might feel like a big thing to ask someone who isn't close family but, if one of my friends asked me to help them do this, I would consider it a privilege.

I also wonder if Macmillan or Marie Curie could help you.

kohl · 20/12/2014 19:36

Oh Jenny. I am so sorry. Do you have any friends that could speak to your husband for you to explain what you need him to do? Do you have access to Macmillan nurses that could help you/ help him?
You might like to look at kateelizabethgross.wordpress.com/
as she's another young mum dying of cancer.
You know, if you need some time by yourself to cry, to process what's happening-that's ok. Be kind to yourself. I can't imagine how it is for you right now, but please know that you will always be your DS's mummy, and he will always know your love down to his bones. I wish you every peace, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hippychick73 · 20/12/2014 19:45

So so sorry to read this
You can buy a star that is named after you
So you could buy your DD a star and it's you looking down on her at night
This could be for a special birthday like 16th or 18th

Like others have said memory box , videos, photos ,
Letters birthday card and special occasion cards like weddings, exams so that she knows your always thinking of her

You might not be there physically but you will be there in your DD heart for ever and she won't forget you - your her mum and always will be forever

Hippychick73 · 20/12/2014 19:47

Sorry DS

LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 19:54

I need my DH on my side. False hope doesn't help. It only makes me feel more alone. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I am hurting him enough. Life can be so awfully cruel.

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Goldmandra · 20/12/2014 20:09

Oh Jenny, it sounds like you're both desperately trying to find a way to cope. You need to face the truth and he can't do that just now.

Do you have any support from a hospice or Macmillan? You've said you're getting a chance to talk but you also need more practical support to make sure the things that are really important to you can happen.

AlpacaLypse · 20/12/2014 20:18

I wish I had words that were good enough too. But I don't.

My children are nearly grown up now and I know how much they still need me. What's happening to you is extremely unfair. You are allowed to be very very angry indeed.

LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 21:09

Yes, I have other support but I need my husband right now. And he needs to live in the land of hope that I just can't be in.
If one more person tells me to look forward to/ focus on/ enjoy Christmas I will scream. We don't even have the tree up, no presents have been bought, no plans for dinner. I'm failing my son aren't I? Someone give me the kick up the arse I need.

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IamtheZombie · 20/12/2014 21:43

Jenny, you do not need a kick up the arse. You are not failing your son. You are trying to come to terms with the most shocking news anyone could receive.

I imagine your DH is currently in denial because he can't bear the thought of losing you. Macmillan also support families of those who have cancer. Perhaps you could both speak with them.

I do understand what you are going through. I have stage 4 breast cancer and was told by my oncologist earlier this week that I may only have 9 - 12 months. Both he and I are determined to prove the statistics wrong. But I have had to accept that I may not.

Sending you much love, strength and ZombieHugs™.

ChillySundays · 20/12/2014 22:17

Zombie - so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Like I do with Jenny I hope that you can both prove the statistics wrong.

Jenny - your DH does need to speak to someone. His denial is not helping you.

I am sure that none of you are feeling up to Christmas but wouldn't it be nice if your DH could get the tree up and get some presents for your DS. I know he is too young to know if Christmas bypassed your house but to have photos for him to look at. I don't mean look forward to or focus on Christmas but it will be fun for your DS. Make it into a big celebration/party with your DS.

chinam · 20/12/2014 22:17

I'm so sorry that you are having to face this. If you make a memory box, maybe you could add a lock of your hair or a bottle of your perfume. I wish I had wiser words to say.

SunshineBossaNova · 20/12/2014 22:19

You're not failing your son, lovely. You're in an impossible situation and it's okay to feel angry and fed up.

and massive hugs to you.

Goldmandra · 20/12/2014 23:14

Can you separate the support you need to make items to leave behind from the support you need from your DH or is it really important to you that he is involved with those things? If it is, you need to find a way to communicate that need to him. If you can't say it bluntly, which would be understandable, could you write it down for him? You have demonstrated how eloquently you can express yourself on this thread. I have no doubt that you could write something that helps him to change his approach.

Once you have done that, I think you need to sit down together and work out what things are important to you. What do you feel you need to have done? What do you need to leave behind for him and your DS? What do you need your DH to be involved in and what can be done with someone else?

Christmas is only one day. If you can't celebrate it then just don't. It can be just an ordinary day if that's what you want. Your DS won't know any different. You just need to agree a plan with your DH so you can stop feeling guilty. Make the plan fit your reality, not a fairytale you think you should live up to.

LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 23:37

kohl thank you for posting that blog. That lovely, brave, wise woman has inspired me and made me realise I need to concentrate on the love I have in my life right now. Was also the perfect kick up the arse, (this is how I need to think).

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LostJennyWren · 20/12/2014 23:38

Zombie I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, sending you my love and thoughts.

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LostJennyWren · 21/12/2014 20:36

I have started rapidly loosing weight. I now weigh less than 5 stone. Im scared this means I am rapidly approaching the end.

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Wombat22 · 21/12/2014 20:55

I am so sorry to read this jenny and wish I could think of something useful to say. I will be thinking of you and your family. Sending gentle hugs

Harrin · 21/12/2014 21:02

I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say

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