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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

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Sapph1e · 16/12/2014 02:37

Why not plan your own funeral? Jesus. That'll cheer you up Shock

Enjoy every day Jenny; it's all any of us can do. Don't give one more day to illness than you have to.

And Happy Birthday!! xx

throckenholt · 16/12/2014 08:31

If you can record your voice - reading a favourite of yours maybe, that would be lovely. One of the things I miss most from my dad (died when I was 18 almost 30 years ago now) is never hearing his voice again.

throckenholt · 16/12/2014 08:34

Why not plan your own funeral? Jesus. That'll cheer you up shock

It is a very hard thing to contemplate, at least in a normal situation. But I honestly think the best funeral I ever went to was one where the person had organised it all as he wanted - it really reflected him as a person and made us all laugh (totally unexpectedly).

LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 08:52

I am going to make a happy box for my husband and daughter. Whoever suggested the dear mum journal thank you. I will record all the silly made up songs I sing to her each night and a message telling her how much I love her. You hear of people with cancer who are always brave and positive and strong. I want to be that person but I'm so angry and scared. I called the Samaritans early this morning I just couldn't cope. She won't be proud of me when she hears how I fell apart as soon as things got hard. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories with me, they really help. I'm so sorry everyone who has lost someone close to them. I know how hard it is.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2014 09:05

Most of us fall apart when faced by difficult times. The real courage comes it getting up again and carrying on. I'm proud of you.

cabbageandgravy · 16/12/2014 09:08

Jenny, I would be proud of someone proactive enough to seek help when they need it. Please don't worry about 'brave, noble, blah blah' stories about other people with cancer, they are nothing really to do with you (and if they don't feel totally wrecked inside some of the time then surely they are just plain odd). I have gone to pieces over much less, as have many if not most people on here I am certain

Please take what help you need without asking yourself 'should I?' - and see if you can help people to help you if you can?

I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you fully. FlowersFlowersFlowers

TwentyTinyToes · 16/12/2014 09:39

I am so sorry to read of your diagnosis, I really hope the prognosis is better than you think. Flowers

I wonder if this blog will help, the author writes beautifully about love, being a mum and her experiences with cancer. The link is below.

kateelizabethgross.wordpress.com/

Much love X

lilachickory · 16/12/2014 09:54

Jenny you are not failing anyone. You came here asking for help, you rang samaritans, you are still trying to find ways through this and your thoughts are still for others not yourself. That is brave. You are obviously a lovely person and that will be remembered by your daughter and by everyone who talks to her about you.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 10:09

I am going to make a happy box for my husband and daughter. Whoever suggested the dear mum journal thank you. I will record all the silly made up songs I sing to her each night and a message telling her how much I love her
That is absolutely beautiful and they will treasure everything you do.

I'm sorry. So sorry. There's nothing we can do to make it right. Sending you positive thoughts. May there be many precious moments in the 'now'.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 10:12

Why not plan your own funeral? Jesus. That'll cheer you up
I taught in a school where from time to time we had pupils with terminal conditions. Many of them planned their funerals as a way to lead their friends and families in the celebration of their lives. Its a lovely thing to do but you might need a counsellor or good friend to do it with you.

BigSister1989 · 16/12/2014 11:27

What you are feeling is normal - what is happening to you is horrible and it's okay to be scared and sad. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have no idea how much love I am sending right now - I'm your age and I wish I could be there to hold your hand.

Can I buy you the Dear Mum book as a birthday present?

LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 11:34

i don't think I could plan my own funeral.

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AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 11:54

What would you like to say to them, LostJennyWren? Its a way of sharing you with them, and helping them cope with their loss.

I want to have them play Lou Reed's 'I love you' for my daughter. There's a line 'at least for now, I love you' which is a bit off-putting but it reminds me of human frailty, so the song stays.
www.lyricsfreak.com/l/lou+reed/i+love+you_20085168.html

At my mum's funeral, we had 'Lily Marlene' because she used to sing it, 'When I fall in love (it will be forever)' for her and my dad and a beautiful piece called 'Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled'. My dad remembered the night they met, when he gave her a red rose and forgot it, and he had to take her back to collect it; he had a single red rose put into the coffin with her.

I'll drop the subject now because I don't want to upset you, but there might be a day when you feel like doing it.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 11:56

she forgot the rose. I did preview before posting but missed that error.

evmil · 16/12/2014 13:09

Flowers OP, I'm so sorry.

I have only skim read the thread, but wanted to give some ideas so apologies if has already been said.

One of my DSS's best friends (he's just turned 15) lost his mum to cancer when he was 2. She left him behind a box full of letters she wrote to him, songs she used to sing to him and what they had enjoyed doing together (making cakes, swimming). She also wrote him birthday cards up until his 18th birthday

She also made him a book and filled in a few pages at the front - photos of the two of them, info about his birth and what happened, a bit about the two birthdays she had been there for and also lots of quotes a little notes to tell him how much she loved him. The rest is left for him to fill it in with whatever he wants to; photos, postcards, drawings he done, memories ect. Its sort of a way of him 'sharing' with her what he is like, what he does ect

He also likes the (very few) videos he has of her. Obviously technology is more available now so perhaps you could record yourself singing a song to her or telling her you lover her.

ChillySundays · 16/12/2014 13:40

Jenny

'You hear of people with cancer who are always brave and positive and strong'. - People seem strong but I imagine most aren't so strong when they are on their own. You need to be you. We all deal with things differently. It's not to say you are any less of a person.

The manual is a good idea. Your DH will be puddle along with or without it but it will be all the little things that you know and do without thinking but that are so important to your DD. My DC are in their late teens but if I was in your situation I know one of the important things would be to show my DH how to make a marmite sandwich/marmite on toast!

If you want to organize your own funeral if you don't want to. My job on occasions has involved me dealing with the terminally ill. It makes you realise that it can happen at any time and for that reason I have spoken of at home about death and funerals. Have to say easy to do when you think you are going to live to 100. How do I know whether I will be going in the fine detail if I was ill.

We are all here to hold your hand. We are here to listen and help as much as we can.

dorasee · 16/12/2014 13:43

Dear Lost Jenny,

What words can anyone say? You are living out what all mothers fear the most. You are young and it's unfair and it's cruel. It's just shit really.

I have a little story about my own father who died 10 years ago. But he was a little boy when he lost his own father.

By rights he should not have had any memories of him really. But because of stories, small keepsakes, photgraphs, this grandfather of mine has become this quiet storm, a large figure in such an understated way. He died in the 1930s in Nazi Germany so not only did they not have a lot of memorabilia to hand down to my dad- this was pre backups and clouds, etc so photos were precious and rare and a lot was lost forever when the family fled.

So if you can believe me, love and legacy remain through word of mouth of those who love you. You will be celebrated, you will be remembered... it's not perhaps the solution you were looking for, but as a fellow human spending time on this glorious blue planet, I can promise you that your little one, who comes from you and is of you, will want to know you and yes, she will love you, this is a promise, a given. She will live a life and this will be her time and this gift of living is hers because of you.

My aunt is 95 years old. My father passed away 10 years ago. When my brother went to see her recently, she handed him a photograph of the father she lost as a little girl. And then tears rolled down her face and she asked if she could please just hang onto it for the short remainer of her life. When she is gone, my brother will have this photograph of a man who, like you,
feared so much that he would be forgotten by his children. If only he could see how much he is talked about and celebrated.

We never forget. We are driven by love and guided by legacies.
Prayers to you for peace, for time, for hope.

LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 13:50

Dorasee thank you for that story. I am sat here now in tears. It has helped me so so much.

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LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 13:57

AskMeAnother I want to tell them that I'm sorry. Sorry for leaving them. Sorry for every minute I have ever wasted with petty stupid arguments. Sorry that sometimes I have been pretty unlovable and thankful that they have loved me anyway. I want to tell them it's ok to miss me and feel sad when I've gone but I don't want it to ruin there whole lives.

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LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 14:00

Evmil do you know if your sons friend feels close to his mother? Does he enjoy reading her letters?

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LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 14:04

My Dh is fantastic dad, a much better parent than I am. It comes naturally to him. I have to work at it more. If this has to happen to one of us it's better for our dd that it is me. I worry that he won't cope after I have gone. He has always struggled with people close to him dying. He suffers with depression when things get stressful. How can I help him? Dying will be easier if I know he will manage.

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MindReader · 16/12/2014 14:06

dorasee - your words are beautiful.

Dear Jenny

I am so very very sorry that you have this diagnosis.
I hope you have some time and health still to come to you.

Please don't think you are any less than brave.
Most of us, with this diagnosis, would find it hard to even open our eyes the next day. Of course it is hard to contemplate 'celebrating' your birthday, atm. Tell your H - he needs to do it in a way you can cope with.

My dad died in an RTA when I was 3m. I have very little of him. A couple of photos, a small medal. That's it.

Leave as many letters/cards/trinkets/photos/silly songs as you can for your dd and dh.
They will NEVER forget you, but those things are very very special.
Your dd is made OF you, you are in her very bones.
She will always always be with you, and you her.

I shall think of you all this Christmas.x

ChillySundays · 16/12/2014 14:12

Your DD loves you both whether it comes naturally or not.

Talk to him and ask him to talk to people be it you, family, doctor, counsellor, anyone so that he is helped to start dealing with it now rather than wait for the depression to sink in.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2014 14:17

My most treasured possession of my DM's who died when I was a teenager isn't what you would expect. Its a scruffy old exercise book where she was writing her research into the family tree. It sort of contains a bit of her, he thoughts, her interests, her handwriting. I feel a greater connection to that than anything else. So let your DD know what you are interested in; what motivates and interests you. Let her know what you like doing.

My DM would be impressed how much further I have got with the research thanks to the digital age.

LostJennyWren · 16/12/2014 16:00

I have ordered the Dear Mum book for my dd it should be here tomorrow. Does anyone know how long it will take to fill in? The last few hours I seem to have found an inner peace with my situation. It probably won't last but I'm enjoying it while it's here. It's thanks to all you lovely wonderful people holding my hand and sharing your stories. You are c omplete strangers and yet you have given me such a precious gift. I have smiled and enjoyed my beautiful dd. In a way it is much easier for me than it is for my husband. I will stop existing and he will have to carry on alone and pick up all the broken pieces of the years we should of had together. I told him this morning that he is my soul mate and given the choice I would spend 5 wonderful years together and then die rather than a whole lifetime with anyone else. I'm joy sure it helped. I want to take his pain away. At the same time I hate to think in a few years time I will only be a memory. He will probably have a whole other family after me. Does that make me a bad person? Should I not want his future to be a happy one?

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