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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bloody cruel thing to do to a 3 year old?

305 replies

MincePieOfDoom · 14/12/2014 10:55

I know it's none of my business but I had to get it out somewhere!

Visited PILs yesterday. SIL and BIL were there. They have a DD who is 3 nearly 4, and another DD who is 3 months old.

We were talking about Christmas, what the kids were getting, as you do. During the course of the conversation BIL said they'd had to go back to the toyshop to return one of their DD1's toys.

Long story short, Dniece1 has been quite difficult since Dniece2 arrived. She has been getting up during the night, wanting to come into her parent's bed, throwing tantrums. To be frank, it's all behaviour that I would consider par for the course when a new sibling arrives.

Anyway, DN1 asked for two things from Father Christmas this year- crayons, and a Snow Glow Elsa. She REALLY wants that Elsa doll- we took her for a day out a week ago, and she was chattering on about it then.

SIL and BIL have decided that her 'awful behaviour' over the last few months has to stop. So they've taken the doll back to the shop, and in its place, on Christmas morning, they are going to leave a letter 'from Father Christmas', telling DN1 that she is not getting the doll, because her behaviour has made FC feel she doesn't deserve it, she has to be a good girl etc etc etc.

I know lots of parents threaten FC at this time of year, but to actually do it! Especially when the child is only 3, and the behaviour is, IMO, quite natural! Surely she needs reassured, not told she is a bad girl??

SIL and BIL aren't too happy with me, because I was so shocked when they told us, I said 'isn't that a bit extreme?' before I made myself shut up.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't always agree with SIL and BIL's parenting techniques as it is, though obviously I don't say anything as it's none of my business. They are members of a very (imo) right wing evangelical church, and it all seems to be about 'sparing the rod and spoiling the child', submission of women etc, and they are big believers in smacking/harsh punishments for children.

OP posts:
GirlWithaPearlEarring · 14/12/2014 11:19

Two Options:

  1. Tell your brother or sister what you think (I'm assuming shes your natural niece?) That you think its going too far and could cause her mental harm. At the very least persuade them not to leave the letter, but tell her what is probably the truth, that the doll is not available just yet. Be as reasonable as possible sort of: "I usually wouldn't interfere and you're doing a great job, but I just feel that this may end up undoing all your previous good work etc" Load of rubbish of course, but if you come on too strong they won't listen.

Buying the doll will put you in the bad category with them and they won't tell you anything in the future.

  1. Buy your niece something else eye-wateringly spectacular that will blow her socks off and make you Auntie of the decadeSmile
AlpacaYourThings · 14/12/2014 11:19

That is horrible!

I'm pregnant with my first DC so I don't know much about sibling rivalry. But, my immediate thought was that they should have given DD1 the doll but say it came from DD2. So that she sees the sibling in a good light.

needaholidaynow · 14/12/2014 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karoliina · 14/12/2014 11:20

I wouldn't give them any presents but would write them a letter from Santa which says that as they've been so mean to their little daughter, they do not deserve any presents this year!

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 11:20

Can you talk to them and explain that the more displaced and unloved she feels, the worse her behaviour is likely to get? Make it sound like it is in their interests, like?

In that kind of situation, I would have thought making some special 1-1 time for DC1 would be in order. Not connected to bad behaviour obvs, otherwise they will see it as a reward. But a bit of reassuring TLC and attention sounds like what she needs to me.

aermingers · 14/12/2014 11:20

Fucking hell. Poor kid. I hope they realise she's going to grow up hating them.

Inertia · 14/12/2014 11:21

I would be watching like a hawk - it sounds very close to physically abusing that poor child.

And I would buy her the doll myself- the thing is, I bet they would immediately take it from her.

Poor little mite.

RollTheBallRollTheBall · 14/12/2014 11:22

Sorry I missed the part where they were smackers and believe in harsh punishments for children so I retract my post that said it isn't anyone else's business, that's abuse in my eyes.

Nancy66 · 14/12/2014 11:24

apologising to god? At 3?

Fuck me, I hate religion.

fluffling · 14/12/2014 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StockingFullOfCoal · 14/12/2014 11:24

I have a 3 almost 4 year old DD who has been a major pain in the bum the last few weeks in terms of refusing to get dressed therefore making me late for appointments, school runs for elder DD, etc.

My DH isn't their Dad but he would go fucking nuclear at the suggestion I take presents back let alone leave a nasty note that is going to crush her emotionally.

Having been subject to emotional abuse via my mother as a child this post has really upset me. I would not be able to hold my tongue at all.

Firedemon · 14/12/2014 11:25

Poor little girl. Seems unnecessarily cruel.

I guess you need to be careful as to how you criticize them should you choose to do so. If they stop you from seeing her then you have no way of keeping an eye on your niece.

I hope you manage to help her in some way.

SoggyOldBiscuit · 14/12/2014 11:25

I also think this is emotional abuse. The little girl is behaving in a way that is natural & entirely appropriate for her age.

She is desperate need of support and reassurance. She is trying to get this from her parents with her behaviour. In response, they are telling her that she is a bad girl and trying to shame her.

You only know about this because they told you. What else is going on in that home that you do not know about it?

They sound so horrible. I don't know how you can bear to be in their company & stay quiet about their behavior.

Original poster
MincePieOfDoom · 14/12/2014 11:26

Oh and DH thinks his brother and SIL are arseholes. There's a lot of back story, DH and BIL were so close growing up, but then when BIL got converted that obviously started to change. For a long time DH couldn't process what his brother had turned into, and there was always that query of 'is it just us who sees this? Are we being fair?'. I think the change in BIL was just so extreme for DH.

There have been quite a few rows and we were NC with BIL and SIL about five years ago, for about a year. But then the DC came along, and MIL was very ill, and for her sake and the DC, we've tried to keep our mouths shut.

I hate, hate, hate the way they discipline, I think it's dreadful. I personally consider it abusive, but I don't think it would stand up as such if that makes sense? All their friends seem to do the same thing. They all think they are fantastic parents who are raising God-fearing well behaved children in a world full of 11 year old crack addicts getting pregnant Hmm

DN is a lovely child, we've been taking her quite a bit during SIL's pregnancy and the newborn. Also they leave her with MIL and FIL quite a bit too, and because MIL still isn't in great health, I go round 'for a cup of tea' aka to give MIL a break/take DN to the park. SIL isn't too happy about this- she actually threw a bit of a hissy at one point and told MIL to tell me that she didn't want me at PILs when DN was there on her own.

MIL told her to fuck off, and SIL still wants MIL for childcare so she had to suck it up.

I don't want to rock the boat, because I don't think it would do much good in the long run, and in fact may do more harm than good, because as it stands, we have a great r/ship with DN and she can spend a good chunk of time with people who aren't her parents. SIL and BIL, I feel, are just itching for an opportunity to stop all that, they feel we are ungodly heathen influences, and DH thinks SIL is very jealous of me

Sorry for the massive dripfeedy post, gosh I needed to get that out! DH and I have discussed it endlessly of course, but it's so good to get some validation from people who aren't in the midst of it

OP posts:
OddFodd · 14/12/2014 11:27

That is not only cruel but it's also completely stupid. A 3 year old is not going to associate her 'bad' behaviour with the doll. She's just going to end up feeling unloved and behave even more badly.

What a pair of utter cunts

Notgoodwithwords · 14/12/2014 11:27

Horrible thing to do to such a little one.. I agree I'd buy the doll for her too.

I once worked with someone who could be quite spiteful in her punishments to her ds & as he grew up they didn't have a very good relationship at all & in fact he moved many miles away to live with his nan when he was 16...

One of his birthdays approx 7 or 8 he had opened all his presents bar one which was the very thing he wanted after he opened it she grabbed it threw it on the floor & smashed it to pieces as punishment for something he'd done the day before.. How awful that she'd been planning it for 24 hours.. Poor mite cried & cried Hmm

woowoo22 · 14/12/2014 11:28

This is so sad. What will you do OP? That poor wee girl. Will you be with them on Christmas morning?

NancyRaygun · 14/12/2014 11:28

I would buy the doll if you can then wrap it an write the label to DN from all at The CHURCH of blah wherever they attend. Drop it off at the from door anonymously. They would never chuck it if they think it's from the congregation and it will be too late by the time they work it out. Longer term I think you need yo stop worrying about bring seen as wooly, you sound great and you need to speak up for this poor kid do she knows not all adults are nasty bastards.

LIZS · 14/12/2014 11:28

Are you sure they aren't just saying it ? (Surely you'd ebay the doll rather than take it back ! ) Are you visiting on Christmas day , if so cancel now.

Xenadog · 14/12/2014 11:28

The parents are absolute fuckers. I have no idea what is the right thing to do in this situation but I do think you need to keep a close eye on things regarding the smacking.

Do the grandparents not say anything about their treatment of their dgd?

OddFodd · 14/12/2014 11:29

Not that I think she's behaving badly - but she may start to because it will get her some attention.

StockingFullOfCoal · 14/12/2014 11:29

Definitely don't do anything that would make them NC with you. As a child the small amounts of respite I got spending time with normal people made a huge difference to my life as a child.

Tollygunge · 14/12/2014 11:33

This is awful. I actually feel like crying. Poor love. Is text them a link to this post and then they can see what the rest of the world thinks. Sometimes it's hard to get a perspective on parenting and we need our failings pointed out to us x

Tykeisagirl · 14/12/2014 11:35

I don't believe in smacking/physical punishments at all, but I think what they're doing is worse than the smacking. Assuming she's not being hit so hard it leaves her in pain the smacks she'll forget, being a "bad girl" who didn't deserve a present she'll probably never forget. When she sees all her friends with their new toys will just cement her "badness" in her own mind.
Not only would I buy her the doll for her birthday I think is break the ruble about not telling children who are not yours about Santa and tell her that it was her parents who wrote the letter and took her toy away so at least she knows she's only bad in their eyes.

Inertia · 14/12/2014 11:35

Good idea to buy her other Elsa things.

I'd be tempted to get her the Elsa doll from MIL, given what you've said- they won't want to rock the childcare boat.

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