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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bloody cruel thing to do to a 3 year old?

305 replies

MincePieOfDoom · 14/12/2014 10:55

I know it's none of my business but I had to get it out somewhere!

Visited PILs yesterday. SIL and BIL were there. They have a DD who is 3 nearly 4, and another DD who is 3 months old.

We were talking about Christmas, what the kids were getting, as you do. During the course of the conversation BIL said they'd had to go back to the toyshop to return one of their DD1's toys.

Long story short, Dniece1 has been quite difficult since Dniece2 arrived. She has been getting up during the night, wanting to come into her parent's bed, throwing tantrums. To be frank, it's all behaviour that I would consider par for the course when a new sibling arrives.

Anyway, DN1 asked for two things from Father Christmas this year- crayons, and a Snow Glow Elsa. She REALLY wants that Elsa doll- we took her for a day out a week ago, and she was chattering on about it then.

SIL and BIL have decided that her 'awful behaviour' over the last few months has to stop. So they've taken the doll back to the shop, and in its place, on Christmas morning, they are going to leave a letter 'from Father Christmas', telling DN1 that she is not getting the doll, because her behaviour has made FC feel she doesn't deserve it, she has to be a good girl etc etc etc.

I know lots of parents threaten FC at this time of year, but to actually do it! Especially when the child is only 3, and the behaviour is, IMO, quite natural! Surely she needs reassured, not told she is a bad girl??

SIL and BIL aren't too happy with me, because I was so shocked when they told us, I said 'isn't that a bit extreme?' before I made myself shut up.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't always agree with SIL and BIL's parenting techniques as it is, though obviously I don't say anything as it's none of my business. They are members of a very (imo) right wing evangelical church, and it all seems to be about 'sparing the rod and spoiling the child', submission of women etc, and they are big believers in smacking/harsh punishments for children.

OP posts:
fuctifino · 14/12/2014 11:05

I'm with everbody else, poor kid Sad.
I too would buy the doll (at the expense of BiL/SiL if necessary)

fuctifino · 14/12/2014 11:06

Meant to say BiL/SiL present if necessary Grin

dementedma · 14/12/2014 11:06

If you get her the doll they might take it off her which would be worse. Can you speak to them about the situation at all?

pictish · 14/12/2014 11:06

Oh yuck - what a pair of cunts. I have no doubt however, that they are jolly pleased with themselves and their taking-the-hard-line approach to parenting, and most likely won't listen to anyone telling them it's too harsh.
It takes a special sort of self satisfied set of wankers to do that. I can't relate to them at all.
Poor wee lassie.

SweetsForMySweet · 14/12/2014 11:07

YANBU. I can't believe anyone would be so mean and spiteful to a 3 year old. They are going to ruin Christmas for their little girl Sad

londonrach · 14/12/2014 11:07

Thats awful. She three. Please if you can buy the doll. Any chance you get destroy that letter. Its so cruel. The thought of a little three year old being read that letter instead of getting that doll...please can you talk to someone who can influence your sil and bil.

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 11:07

Good idea Wings. She is little, she has a new sibling, acting up a bit is to be expected. It is fine to be firm about what is and what isn't acceptable, but for pity's sake don't make her feel unloved and rejected. Cruel and counter-productive on the behaviour front.

magpieginglebells · 14/12/2014 11:08

Do they visit often. Could you buy one to keep at your house if they visit regularly?

wrapsuperstar · 14/12/2014 11:08

Absolutely frightful.

If the behaviour you describe is the limit of how she's responded to having a new sibling, that little girl is actually coping brilliantly -- it's a goddamn enormous adjustment going from being an only to being a big sibling. We went through it all here with my 2.5 year old when her sister was born in June. No recriminations, no anger, just lots of cuddles and positive reinforcement and more than a few treats. That's the way to help little ones settle into the new order... Not by spoiling Christmas Sad

Get her the doll.

thewomaninwhite · 14/12/2014 11:08

I am shocked. I think that it so utterly cruel. DD3 here is 3 and it's par for the course. I won't even go there with hitting.

StockingFullOfCoal · 14/12/2014 11:09

Very cruel. I would definitely buy her the doll myself. What absolute twats, that is normal behaviour for a 3 year old dealing with a huge change in her life. [Sad] I would not be able to keep my temper with them should they actually give her that Santa letter. Spiteful nasty cunts. Your poor niece.

crumblebumblebee · 14/12/2014 11:09

YANBU. They sound horrible. Sad She is three and that's still so little.

munchkinmaster · 14/12/2014 11:09

Aside from the fact it's awful it won't work as:

A. You think the child is acting up because she feels a little pushed out by sibling so this will escalate that.

B.She will be a miserable difficult wee girl all Christmas Day.

C. Where's the incentive to improve her behaviour. She can't be good for a year to get it next year. She might as well be as naughty as hell now.

It's just stupid!

Don't buy her the doll. These two shits will just take it away from her which will be even worse.

burgatroyd · 14/12/2014 11:10

That's really mean!

I guess I would GI so far as giving her doll and other bits from Santa but also put a couple of little potatoes/coalnin with the 'well who knows what presents these could have been...' Therefore she wouldn't lose out on existing presents just fictional ones.

But only for naughty behaviour.

It actually sounds like she needs hugs and reassurance right now. Sibling rivalry is completely normal and she's only young.

Of course she will be so upset on Xmas morning, act up and be punished further. So there will be unpleasantness on the day and shell be blamed for that.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 14/12/2014 11:10

That's awful, I wouldn't do it to a child of any age, let alone one so young.

gruffalosarse · 14/12/2014 11:11

Nasty, nasty folk. I hope someone buys your DN the doll

pictish · 14/12/2014 11:11

Imagine making a 3/4 yr old child think they are not good enough for a present, just because they have displayed normal insecurities over the arrival of a new baby! I mean...what is that going to do to her self esteem?
I just can't understand them. It's a horrible thing to do.
OP if it were me, I'd risk their fire and damnation and tell them straight.

Purplepoodle · 14/12/2014 11:11

What do pil and your dh say?

freezation · 14/12/2014 11:12

YANBU. If they give consequences for behaviour at that age it needs to be immediate, and from them. It's like they're absolving themselves from responsibility. But i think that is normal behaviour anyway they just have to deal with it in a loving way. Not sure what you can do about it though (although I know you're not asking that).

Sleepingbunnies · 14/12/2014 11:13

What utter arseholes. :(

Original poster
MincePieOfDoom · 14/12/2014 11:14

Her birthday is the start of February, so I was thinking of getting her the doll then...it's bound to be back in stock by that time!

They definitely returned it to the shop. I think they bought it back in October, before the crazy rush on Elsa started!

They don't smack hard enough to leave a mark, at least not that I have seen. When DN1 started crawling, they 'tapped her hand' any time she tried to touch something she shouldn't. Now that she is older, they smack her on the hand, unless she's been particularly naughty, when they take her out of the room, smack her on the hand/bum, and make her sit on her own for five minutes or so. Then lots of talk about saying sorry to God

I think it's completely wrong, frankly, but then I am considered very woolly by a lot of people, and have never laid a finger on my DC. I'm very anti-smacking tbh.

I think PILs feel very uncomfortable at the way BIL and SIL discipline DN. They aren't part of the church themselves- BIL is DH's brother, and met SIL (who was part of the church) in early 20's and converted/got born again/whatever it is

OP posts:
sarkymare · 14/12/2014 11:15

Poor mite Sad

I imagine she is feeling rather unimportant at the moment. She has gone from being the single most important and special person in her parents eyes to having to share with her new sibling who will be demanding a lot all of her parents time. That's a big change for such a little person.

I can't believe their solution for that is to punish her and dress is up as 'Santa thinks you don't deserve your present' what utter tosspots.

DisneyDivaWoo · 14/12/2014 11:15

I think this is horrible. The poor bairn. My own DD is getting a new sibling next year and we are expecting a few tantrums. She will be 5 by then!

Tinkerball · 14/12/2014 11:18

If this is a taste of things to come that little girl is going to grow up with some major issues. I see patients affected by all sorts of stuff from their childhood - there us nothing worse than growing up not sure if your parents love you and can affect your attachments your entire life.

pictish · 14/12/2014 11:18

I almost wish I had not read this, as it has made me feel very sad and helpless.
Knowing that a wee girl is going to get up to that letter on Christmas morning....

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