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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bloody cruel thing to do to a 3 year old?

305 replies

MincePieOfDoom · 14/12/2014 10:55

I know it's none of my business but I had to get it out somewhere!

Visited PILs yesterday. SIL and BIL were there. They have a DD who is 3 nearly 4, and another DD who is 3 months old.

We were talking about Christmas, what the kids were getting, as you do. During the course of the conversation BIL said they'd had to go back to the toyshop to return one of their DD1's toys.

Long story short, Dniece1 has been quite difficult since Dniece2 arrived. She has been getting up during the night, wanting to come into her parent's bed, throwing tantrums. To be frank, it's all behaviour that I would consider par for the course when a new sibling arrives.

Anyway, DN1 asked for two things from Father Christmas this year- crayons, and a Snow Glow Elsa. She REALLY wants that Elsa doll- we took her for a day out a week ago, and she was chattering on about it then.

SIL and BIL have decided that her 'awful behaviour' over the last few months has to stop. So they've taken the doll back to the shop, and in its place, on Christmas morning, they are going to leave a letter 'from Father Christmas', telling DN1 that she is not getting the doll, because her behaviour has made FC feel she doesn't deserve it, she has to be a good girl etc etc etc.

I know lots of parents threaten FC at this time of year, but to actually do it! Especially when the child is only 3, and the behaviour is, IMO, quite natural! Surely she needs reassured, not told she is a bad girl??

SIL and BIL aren't too happy with me, because I was so shocked when they told us, I said 'isn't that a bit extreme?' before I made myself shut up.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't always agree with SIL and BIL's parenting techniques as it is, though obviously I don't say anything as it's none of my business. They are members of a very (imo) right wing evangelical church, and it all seems to be about 'sparing the rod and spoiling the child', submission of women etc, and they are big believers in smacking/harsh punishments for children.

OP posts:
shoofly · 14/12/2014 10:58

That's horrible. Poor kid Sad

comedycentral · 14/12/2014 10:58

I would buy her the doll Wink

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/12/2014 10:59

Of course she needs reassurance - what a mean spirited thing to do. Actually, it's pretty fucking evil to be honest. That poor kid.

EssexMummy123 · 14/12/2014 10:59

"they are big believers in smacking/harsh punishments for children." - how hard, enough to leave a mark?

RollTheBallRollTheBall · 14/12/2014 10:59

I wouldn't do it myself and YANBU to think that it is cruel but as you said in your OP it isn't anyone else's business but the parents.

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/12/2014 10:59

Very cruel and actually abusive, this child is going to need you. that's all really.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 14/12/2014 11:00

Horrible :(

NatJon · 14/12/2014 11:00

The poor little mite :( I feel so sad reading this. Yanbu children need time to adjust to a new sibling.

Your sil and bil sound like horrible shits Angry

hankyspanky · 14/12/2014 11:01

That is bordering on spiteful.

I too, would buy her the doll Grin

Marcipex · 14/12/2014 11:01

I agree, how horrible .
You buy the doll, if you think they'll let her keep it.

magpieginglebells · 14/12/2014 11:01

That sounds horrible. Poor child :-( I'd be tempted to buy one and give it to her after Christmas.

wonderingsoul · 14/12/2014 11:01

you buy her the doll!

i wouldnt have been able to keep my mouth shut.

i would have told her its normal for her to act out and she need more reasurance then crushing her.
what horrid parents

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/12/2014 11:02

That is horrible!

Id buy her the doll too.

MinnieM1 · 14/12/2014 11:02

Oh my that is awful that poor little girl Sad
I think you should buy her the doll, if for no other reason but to see the parents faces! Do it do it do it Grin

insancerre · 14/12/2014 11:02

Yanbu
That's emotional abuse

travailtotravel · 14/12/2014 11:02

Can you afford the doll at all? You shouldn't have to, but that poor kid.

Icimoi · 14/12/2014 11:02

That poor little girl. I'm not sure you're right to say that their parenting is none of your business - certainly when it involves a lot of smacking.

Sn00p4d · 14/12/2014 11:02

Oh god that's awful.

Do they actually have the doll in their possession?

Just I know those things are like gold dust and selling for hundreds on eBay. Is it possible they couldn't get the doll and are doing this to shift blame for the lack of doll on Xmas morning onto dn and her behaviour to relieve their guilt? Which is also totally unacceptable if it is the case, just a thought!

FaintlyMacabre · 14/12/2014 11:03

That's really horrible and cruel, the poor girl. What do your DH and PIL think about this?

Doobigetta · 14/12/2014 11:03

Buy it and give it to her on her birthday so it doesn't look as though you're undermining them.

ChristmasDawndonnaagain · 14/12/2014 11:04

Many years ago ds1 went to school for a short while with a family like this. It was for a short while because upon being reported to social services for the beatings of the child (they used a wooden spoon ffs), the church concerned started their own school.
This is your niece, are you're not happy for her regarding a Christmas Present then you can't be happy with her being 'smacked'. I don't understand why people don't report when it's family members. I would, but then again, I used to pray somebody would report my Mother, and when she was reported, I'd pray somebody believed her. Nobody did.
What I'm saying, in a stupidly convuluted manner is please keep an eye on DN and make sure she's not being beaten, and yes, buy the bloody doll yourself for her to play with at yours.

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 11:04

Whaaat? That's so mean...

Greencurtain · 14/12/2014 11:05

Cruel.

And that doll is the one that's in the paper as completely unavailable isn't it? So nobody else can get it for her and it can't be rebought by the parents. Poor little girl - not really just over the doll but for the way they must treat her generally. Much too harsh for a 3yo with a new sibling. Wouldn't even do it to my 8yo or 6yo even without the new sibling.

WingsofNylon · 14/12/2014 11:05

I would be so tempted to buy her the doll myself!
Poor thing, can you help by ignoring the whole present thing and passing on behaviour advice to the parents?
In a little light hearted 'I was thinking about her recent behaviour and recalled when a friend had the same issues they found that X really helped'

Nancy66 · 14/12/2014 11:05

it's a fucking horrible thing - and, actually, it IS your business. can't your husband say something? Presumably it's his brother or sister?

And hitting the kid too? they just sound like nasty cunts to be honest.