Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

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My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

lunar1
Yanbu, my sil has been around for 12 years. She is not interchangeable with a new girlfriend. If my brother left her she would still be family and my children's auntie

This is exactly what I tried to say upthread but lunar was much more succinct.

My SIL is part of my family now. She's not a brother's gf that I tolerate - she is someone I love and care for.

Lunar is absolutely right. The aunt of your children's cousins, that means a lot to any sensitive, sensible person. Her feelings deserve to be acknowledged and I wouldn't want to be rolling over them IN A BIG TANK just to prove that I'm loyal to a brother.

I really do think that it would be good for you to meet her, to keep the peace with your brother-don't burn any bridges. But you can meet her and him for a drink one evening without children around. Having her meet your kids should come a lot later. For starters he may think he's madly in love, but what if this is just the rebound relationship/way out of his marriage and doesn't last?

but, having been through this, have to advise the OP that she's more likely to burn bridges with her SIL if she does something unnecessaryy that adds to her SILs pain. Brothers are always brothers and when they emerge out of their lust-induced fugue state won't hold it against you forever that you didn't invite a woman to your home (because afterall i it's not compulsary to invite her to your home). Unless your brother is a total doosh and then well, refer to original inclination to be mindful of sil's feelings.

I wonder reading these posts would posters really not care if their hs announced a decade+ marriage was over and their in laws barely noticed the switcheroo. like an aussie soap opera

Why is it the OP's responsibility to keep the peace with her brother? It is he who's behaving badly at the moment.

I really feel for you all. I was in exactly this situation 2 years ago. I have nephews/ nieces similar ages to my children and felt very strongly that my children could not be put in a position to lie to their cousins. I also felt that I had a responsibility long term towards my nephews/ nieces as I was unclear what effect all this would have on their lives. I felt I needed to be a support to my sil and also maintain contact with their children. I felt my brother had chosen to be with the new GF - and I wish him happiness in that relationship - but that he had a duty to his children and the rest of the family to introduce her gradually and sensitively to their lives.
Sadly this has not happened . It has become apparent that she was on the scene for some months before the split. He has lied to his wife and me about this . He , despite what I thought was careful counsel from myself, has rushed into his children meeting her and having her stay over when they are with him. This has had the expected emotional effect on at least one of them who now refuses to stay with him as they feel she was foisted on them. They are at that delicate teenage time. I have tried to be supportive to both my brother and Sil ( as I wish to stay in my niece/ nephews lives) - for their and my own childrens sake. They need their cousins.
As a consequence I feel I have ( I hope only temporarily) lost my brother. He is an adult. I hope in time our relationship will mend however I feel my nieces / nephews had no choice in this and needed to have an aunt and cousins they could talk to if they needed. It causes me great sadness and I wish my brother had not been so blinded by his new love at the beginning that he lost sight of the impact on his own children and the rest of the family.

YANBU. It's your brother who is being insensitive. He and his ex may have known for ages beforehand that they were going to split but you've only known about it for a couple of months and he needs to give the rest of his family time to grieve the demise of the relationship. Moreover, if it wasn't planned for ages and it came as a complete shock to your ex-SIL I think it's also really important that she does not feel his family accept her replacement at family functions too quickly. Good luck.

Reading this thread struck so many chords with me. Previously to being with me, my husband left his partner of 20 years, at that time their son was 4. I was in no way involved in their break up and I met him 6 months after they had split up.

I met my SIL and BIL at BIL's 40th birthday dinner (I'm not sure of my husband asked if he could bring me or if I was invited) and everyone was very welcoming to me, I had no inkling of how they related to his ex partner or how they felt about the split. Indeed I met his parents, his sister and her husband and their children before I had met his son

Perhaps people wondered if I was the OW or how he could suddenly decide that he wanted to be married especially as he had steadfastly refused to marry his ex partner. Maybe people were horrified at how my husband could move on so quickly. Possibly they felt awkward having me around at family occasions or had conflicted loyalties to his ex partner.

If his family did feel any of those things, they kept it to themselves and welcomed me into their life. I am hugely grateful for it.

But you leave out the pertinent info. Whether they were in fact fond of the ex-DP, how early in your relationship you met them?

What if they did feel really uncomfortable, but managed to hide it well. Is that OK? Or would it have been more sensitive of your DH to wait until they were a bit more used to things?

If you pitched up uninvited and unexpected to your DBIL's 40th and no-one blinked an eye then I can certainly confirm that you have the most polite in-laws in the world

I think I would say something like

"I'm glad you have found someone that you are so happy with and we would love to meet her at some point but we are not ready for it yet. Please let us have some time to adjust to your new situation. Hope you both have a wonderful Christmas."

or something similar so you don't slight your brother but let him know that your head is still spinning.

my brother left his wife recently. He has a new gf. I have met her, but i haven't allowed the kids to meet her yet. I'm sure they will in time, but i'd rather my DB and this new GF were together long term (6mo+) before i bring the kids into it.

I also agree his own children should meet her before anyone else (ie my kids)

Thefowlandthepussycat I do have very polite in laws but I have checked and my SIL did invite me. It was very early in the relationship that I met them but my husband and I knew it was going to be a serious relationship.
I think we all take different amounts of time to get to know people and warm to them and it's much easier to be polite than not so I am glad that they were polite & welcoming as had they been hostile it would be much more difficult seeing each other at all the family occasions now 4 years on. Every wife has been the new girlfriend in the beginning.

I don't think my in laws were particularly fond of the ex partner but have made every effort to be pleasant and helpful to her after the split so maybe that colours their attitude. Had my SIL, BIL & PIL not wanted to meet me my husband wouldn't have pushed it but would have felt hurt by their reaction.

YANBU

I'd bet my boots that they were 'friends' prior to him leaving his wife.

I understand why you feel uncomfortable.

I think I would go with you not feeling it is right that your child meets her before his own do.

You sound lovely OP. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my exBIL shortly after my XH walked out on me and our two young DC. He was very loved up and driving round the country inviting himself and his new girlfriend into all our friends and families houses. It felt like getting return hospitality for all that I'd provided them over the years.

My XBil rang me out the blue, we got on well but weren't close, to tell me that they (parents, SIL) didn't approve of how he was behaving and what he'd done. It meant so much, still does.

Through the conversation we talked about the years that we'd been family (3 years together and then 11 married) and that it was hard just because XH walked out for the rest of us to move on as though we were no longer family when it wasn't through our choice. I did say I didn't have any objections to OW but hoped that we through the children could all still be a part of each others lives. We are. The children are a blood tie that didn't end with our divorce.

You need to do whats in your heart but sometimes words do mean a lot to people and if its appropriate your SIL may gain strength and reassurance from being told you don't approve that he's moved on so quickly.

I don't think its fair on the girlfriend to meet if you're not ready yet. Regarding the children could there be a half way house of you meeting brother and girlfriend for a drink informally rather than a whole family thing? Sort of a half way house so as not to snub, but to allow time for your children to see your brother without his family and adjust to that before seeing him with new girlfriend.

Because its a subject a bit close to home I hate the idea of normalising walking out on one relationship with children and happily straight into another, particularly to children.

from her perspective she's probably terrified given the length of your brother's previous relationship and your friendship with your SIL. be nice!

i was on the receiving end of something similar from dp's parents....he'd split with his ex about 6 months before i met him, and although his sister was lovely, his parents kept their distance for quite a while, saying they didn't want to meet me as they felt it was disloyal to his ex. when i did meet them they told his sister afterwards that they 'didn't want to like me but actually they thought i was quite nice'. i was really hurt actually. i've now been with dp for 5 years and never really developed much of a relationship with them because of that. it's not her fault that your brother and his ex split!!

wifeandmother your in-laws sound lovely. I'm glad it worked out for you.

Thank you so much for the great comments. Some people really understanding my situation.
I will make sure I'm nice when I meet new gf! But I'm also looking at the bigger picture. I've told him the boys need to come first and that we have decided to say no about Christmas. But we can meet up and get to know each other another time.
Not sure he was happy about this and I wouldn't be surprised if he now doesn't come over to give my DC presents. This is fine and I am prepared to loose my brother over this lady. I just can't slot a new person into our lives even though he has moved on so quickly. He is making her the priority nd it just feels very wrong to me.
There is no way I can plays happy families while I know sil and boys are unhappy. They need my support at the moment more than my brother does. They will not stop being my family just because he has left them.

I don't think you're be unreasonable. But I do see how refusing to see her could make your brother uncomfortable. Having a good, open chat with him about this could work if you are close enough and he isn't so totally infatuated as to be oblivious to everything else.

I think that maybe saying you're happy to meet them both for a drink/out of the house to meet her, but that maybe meeting for the first time over Xmas present sis bit too full on for DC might be a good way to avoid causing offence if you think the heart to heart isn't a good option.

To be clear, this means you and DH met them, not your DC too! I think it's pretty reasonable to want to meet another adult first before inviting them into your home or introducing them to your children.

I think my brother is too infatuated so he is oblivious to the bigger picture at the moment RojaGato. He is puting the new lady above anybody else.
As much as I know it's not her fault, I just cannot meet her at Christmas when I know there are other people so deverstated. He just hasn't got any thought for his own Dc and his wife, who a short while ago were a massive part of our family. For me nothing has changed and they will continue to be part of my family.

You are doing the right thing, OP.
I couldn't meet with a brother's new partner, in those circumstances, knowing that my SILs and my nieces/ nephews (in my case) were devastated, and within such a short timeframe of the marriage breaking down.

Well done OP. I admire your stance I the situation. I agree with it too. Christmas is such an emotive time to start with never mind adding other things into it!

Best wishes and good luck to your poor sil from me.

Are you certain this woman is new? How long have your brother and sil been apart?

I can completely see where you're coming from. I dont think you seem over-invested at all.

If this new lady hasn't been on the scene for very long, she may not be a permanent fixture. I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you meet her to satisfy your DB, but delay introducing your DC until the dust has settled.

I hope your brother doesn't decide to be spiteful and not bring the kids pressies over.

I have been in a very similar situation....only my brothers new girlfriend was a woman he had been having an affair with. I foolishly sided with SIL which caused a lot of bad blood between me and my brother.

Do not take sides, meet her. Don't go back and talk about it to SIL. keep things neutral.

My SIL only kept in contact with me to find out dirt on my brother.