Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

[Ilovechocspread]

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

[Zebrasandpapayas]

Oneearedrabbit has it spot on.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Yes I agree with you.

[Hoppinggreen]

Do you suspect the " new " girlfriend is actually the ow?
It's tough because if you don't accept this women you will be jeopardising your relationship with your brother.
If I was your SIL and friend and you welcomed the ow into your home I think I would feel betrayed ( however irrational that might be)
It's not fair you are in the middle but it looks like you are

[Mrsstarlord]

'Those who say the OP can be friends with both, are maybe dis-counting the fact that the SIL, aka OP's dear friend, may well be very hurt to think the family are welcoming this new woman with open arms. I wouldn't be happy doing that.'

The SIL may well be hurting but it is possible to be grown up about it, to explain that you love her but your loyalties are torn. That you intend to maintain a relationship with both and support both.

[pictish]

Just what I said down there - we don't get a say in our sibling's choice of partner, so it's as well to accept the situation as it now is, and get along.

Think of it this way...if in the future your child splits from his or her dw or dh and then meets someone new, would you refuse to meet their new partner because you preferred the old one?
Only if you were a loon!

[CariadsDarling]

I dont think you are over invested, and to be frank it all sounds very quick. I think you're quite within you're right to say - its all a bit early sorry and for now we need some time to get used to you and SIL being separated.

[LittleDonkeyLeftie]

I think YABU. How would you feel if it were you and your brother was treating your new partner like a second class citizen?

You do sound over invested to me - almost like you are determined not to like the new partner. I have lost count of the number of girlfriends/fiances/wives my siblings have introduced me to - you seem to be making it all about you and your feelings. I can't imagine the kids will be that bothered unless you make a huge drama of it.

[Ilovechocspread]

He has promised she was not the OW so I have to believe him. It just seems that he has moved on very quickly and I am expected to keep up.

I just feel so much loyalty with my sil. We have been through years together so I would not want her to know the new gf came to my house. That just seems as though I have no regard of her feelings at all. I hate this situation and wish that my bother didn't feel the need to rush things.

[usualsuspectsparkly3]

It does put you in an awkward position, OP.

I'm not sure why some posters can't see that.

[CariadsDarling]

Just to say OP that I totally get you and this business of out with the old and in with the new in the blink of an eye doesnt have to be the done thing for everyone.

[pictish]

And I agree - why is this being kept from your kids like they're going to care either way?
You are too involved.

[Zebrasandpapayas]

It's so funny. As always with mn it's horses for courses. Some think you are being precious and bu others say you're right to feel apprehensive. Go with what's right by you!

[Purpleroxy]

His promise that she isn't the OW - about as valid as the promises he made on his wedding day.

[pictish]

I'd agree with that zebra.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Your brother is essentially trying to force you to 'take sides'. I would not be happy with that.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

'He has promised she was not the OW so I have to believe him.'

I wouldn't. I'd tell him, too. Liar.

[palmerpigweed]

I don't think your over involved at all.
Your sil has been part of your family for a long time. I would find it hard to accept this new girlfriend so quickly. Just becauce hes moved on doesn't mean the rest of the family are so quick to cast aside your sil.
I would just say you haven't told the kids yet and are waiting for the right time to tell them. You could offer to maybe go for a drink and meal with them.

[clam]

Of course she's bloody involved! Her brother is forcing her to be.

And those who really think it's OK to say to a friend of many years that your loyalties are torn and you're going to play happy families with the woman who has, effectively, replaced her are showing a marked lack of insight and empathy.

[clam]

He's hardly likely to admit she's the OW, is he? And no, you don't have to believe him.
Nor do you have to meet her yet. It doesn't need to be a massive family rift, either. If he has an ounce of decency or empathy, he'd understand you're all in shock and, just because he's moved on very quickly doesn't mean that you have. He cannot expect to force his feelings on you.

[TheFowlAndThePussycat]

What clam said.

It's not about being 'over-invested' in DB's relationship, it's about being invested in a friendship with a longstanding family member.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

If it wasn't for Christmas, would your brother be in such a rush for you to meet the OW his new girlfriend so soon after the split? It's very insensitive of him to ask.

[pictish]

Bollocks we are - we're being adults and accepting that life sometimes throws stuff at us we wouldn't choose but have to accommodate. Like a sibling's change of partner.

They have been split for a few months and her db is a free agent. All the wishing in the world will not put him and his ex back together or make him any less loved up with his new gf.

Like I say - compare it with your child leaving his or her marriage and meeting someone new. You'd suck it up for their sake.

[atticusclaw]

I think you need to be careful here. For all you know she will end up being your next SIL. If she is aware that your brother has raised this meeting and that you've said no, this could impact on your relationship with her forever. I speak as one who has been in this position. DH's parents could not get over the fact that he was no longer with his lovely wife and wouldn't meet me for ages. My relationship with them will never be entirely comfortable (and we've now been married for ten years)

[BestZebbie]

I agree that having them round to your home might feel more disloyal to your SIL when she hears about it - could you meet on neutral ground, like in a pub, if you do feel pressured into meeting the new gf this soon?

[LittleRedRidingHoodie]

This is tricky for you but your brother has met someone he's in love with and wants you to meet her and like her. I think you should explain it to your children in advance and get in with meeting her. My dad has recently split with my mum and we have to meet dad's new girlfriend and, in an ideal world, I'd say I'm not ready but I know how happy it would make dad and how unhappy he's been for a while. So strap on a smile and be prepared to like her.