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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

204 replies

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 19:43

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/12/2014 20:35

Absolutely atticus.

pictish · 09/12/2014 20:36

it's about being invested in a friendship with a longstanding family member
which is still the case, so.....

It's not one or the other fgs - they're not kids.

RaisingMen · 09/12/2014 20:37

What a tough position to be in OP.

You need to think very carefully about this, as if you shun his girlfriend you risk your relationship with your brother.

You don't have to take sides, you are clearly very close to ex SIl, could you speak to her and explain that it has gotten to the point where you're going to have to meet the new GF but hope it won't have an impact on your friendship. If you remain impartial and obviously refuse to talk about SIL to new GF she may be understanding.

It's highly likely that SIL will start dating too at some point, are you going to refuse to meet her new partner too?

Unfortunately life goes on, and if this is your brothers choice you have no option but to accept it. If he is as happy as he says he is, it sounds like she may be around for a while.

anothernumberone · 09/12/2014 20:37

I cannot understand the posts telling you that you are over involved OP. This is your family and there is now a massive adjustment to make and the face that there are children makes that an even tougher wrench. I have 2 SILs that I am particularly close too if something altered those relationships I would be very upset too. Time would no doubt help as it will in your situation but no you do not have to jump in with both feet into meeting his new gf.

Ragwort · 09/12/2014 20:37

I was the 'SIL' once (a long time ago) - I had been incredibly close to my MIL and SILs and it was very hard when I was suddenly replaced - with the usual story of 'only meeting OW after DW and I had split up' - exDH later admitted that this was a lie.

My ILs were very kind to me and I could understand that they wanted to be loyal to their DS/DB but they were clearly upset that he had behaved so badly.

Funnily enough the new 'romance' fizzled out pretty quickly and exDH was left on his own .

TopazRocks · 09/12/2014 20:38

You say you are close to SIL, so before making a decision can you just say to her something like 'DB wants me to meet new GF' and see what she says.

But my gut response is, as you do state several times you have reservations, can't you arrange to meet them on neutral territory first, and not have your child/ren with you? In time, she might be someone you get as close to as with current SIL, but you do have to meet her first! There is no harm in saying to your brother it's all too quick and she can meet your DC later. Do you have living parents? Do they have an opinion on this?

It is a compromise of sorts, but it's your life, your child etc.

I've only been in similar situation with a cousin. I keep in touch with ex-wife despite my aunt's great and very vocal dislike of her. My bro keeps in touch with cousin and had met new wife (now ex too!). I'm not sure how many wives/serious GF he's had TBH.

Blu · 09/12/2014 20:41

I think it is tricky: as well as your SIL it is it is your DC's cousins who are devastated. I am that this woman was not the OW or at least the OW-in-waiting!

But in the end he is your brother, and she is your friend and you are close. He can't stop you remaining close, and at the same time you will need to come to terms, and welcome, your DB's new partner.

But it doesn't have to be Christmas and bringing presents. I think I would say that the kids would love to see him, but as they don't know the gf yet it would be a but odd and confusing to have presents from her. I would suggest an adults get together at a 'soon' but not Christmas-orientated occasion to get to know her. And then progress to family get togethers after Christmas.

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 09/12/2014 20:41

It was either or for me pictish because my ex-SIL won't have contact with us anymore. This also happened to one of the PPs and could happen to the OP if she doesn't tread a careful line.

Also, those who are saying this woman could be the new SIL, well yes, she might, or she might be a disastrous rebound relationship that's over in 6 weeks.

No one is saying don't meet her, just that it is ok to do it in your own time.

SnowSpot · 09/12/2014 20:41

@Legoadventcalender - what on earth is that expression "Bet you London to a brick"? It's really quite wonderful.

Sorry, nothing to do with the thread, just appreciating the joy of a new saying.

As to the OP - I can see your dilemma, but if this new GF is making him happy, then does it matter how long it's all been? I would meet her, not necessarily wrap my arms around her, but be as pleasant as I would ever be to a new acquaintance. I think your loyalty is more to your DB here, although I do understand about your mixed feelings.

Infinity8 · 09/12/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 09/12/2014 20:48

I don't think unblinking loyalty has to be shown here. If the brother just showed a bit of tact and diplomacy then it would probably work out OK - in good time.

And pictish, it's nothing to do with being an adult. Feelings are feelings. I would object to being told to feel or act in a certain way, just to please others.

pictish · 09/12/2014 20:50

I agree infinity

If this relationship is born of cheating then I am more sympathetic to your upset over your ex sil OP. I understand the torn loyalties under those circs.

But if not, then it's a suck it up from me - your brother has every right to end his marriage, and every right to fall in love elsewhere.

Bogeyface · 09/12/2014 20:52

Of course she was the other woman! He is as happy as a pig in shit and SIL and the DC are still devastated, there is now way he hadnt at least got her lined up as a potential new woman before he left even if he wasnt shagging her, which I doubt.

I wouldnt want to meet her either. You dont get to slot the new one in in place of the old while leaving a devastated family behind you and pretend everything is hunky dory.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 09/12/2014 20:52

I don't think you're overly invested.

I love my SILs. They've been part of my life for 20 years. Our children have grown up together and we have so many shared memories. My brother was an absolute dick some years ago and I remember the strength of my feelings regarding the pain he'd caused my SIL. I don't think it's over involved to consider the feelings of someone you care for or to feel unsettled yourself.

I understand how conflicted you feel - as if you're siding with your brother and shutting her out through no fault of her own.

On the other hand, relationships do end and if you believe your brother there was no overlap so it'd be harsh to "punish" him. I think I'd meet her, but not in a big deal Christmassy way and probably not with the kids.

clam · 09/12/2014 20:58

"your brother has every right to end his marriage, and every right to fall in love elsewhere."

Maybe, but he doesn't have every right to expect the OP to fall in line with his timings re: meeting the ow gf.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/12/2014 20:58

I would not be happy at all to be welcoming a new woman into my home when my nieces/nephews were still grieving the break up of their family.

Coming to your house at Christmas, which is a family time, bringing gifts for the children and a bribe so that they like her. It is thoughtless at best, insidious at worst.

I would be having a stern word with my brother and pointing out that while he might be skipping through daises, the rest of his family - including his ex and children - are all struggling to come to terms with the new status quo.

I think suggesting a meeting on neutral territory at some point over the Christmas holidays would be fine, but leave the DCs out of it. The last thing you want is him introducing her as 'this is your Auntie X' and confusing the hell out of them.

LayMeDown · 09/12/2014 20:58

YANBU OP. I think it is fairly safe to assume this woman is the OW. Even if she isn't he has moved on very quickly and he can't reasonably expect everyone else to take this change over without batting an eyelid.

The most compelling argument for me would be his own children. If they are devestated by the split and the appearance of the 'new' gf then I think their extended family accepting her presence so easily may add to their distress. I don't have a brother but H does. I am not even very close to his wife but I am fond of her and we have a shared history over the last 15 years and she is a significant person in my childrens lives. If BIL left her and her kids leaving her devestated, I would not be welcoming a new partner in my home at such an early stage. I would not want to be responsible for hurting further a person I cared for.

Your DB is a big boy. He should be able to appreciate the awkward position he is putting everyone in. He is happy it is not to much to ask that he show a bit of consideration and sensitivity to his ex wife and children who are not in such a good place.

clam · 09/12/2014 20:59

That said, if my db ditched my sil and shipped in someone new, I'd be throwing my hat in the air, to be honest!

Original poster

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 21:03

I've spoken to my DH and he feels the same as me. It really does just feel way to quick for me to meet her. But I apprecite that it's not the Gf fault and I don't want to be seen as not accepting her.

Could anyone explain why I'm over involved? It effects me directly when I have my sil crying at my home and I see how upset my nephews are. My mum has met her but only to keep my brother happy.

OP posts:

Blu · 09/12/2014 21:03

Have his own children met this woman?

Very wrong and awkward if your children, their cousins, meet her first.

SlimJiminy · 09/12/2014 21:06

I was your child (teen) in this situation op and I was hugely upset by my aunt and uncle's split - largely due to being close to my cousins and upset for them - so no I wouldn't have wanted to meet ow that quickly. I can confirm she's a knob. How old are your DCs?

I also have a SIL I've known for 15+ years and would be gutted if DB left her and suddenly met someone else. I know I'd have to accept him moving on, but would definitely want to chat to him alone to talk about it first and then meet her in a neutral place the first time and take things slowly - she's not going to walk in and immediately replace your SIL is she? You can't force yourself to be instant friends with someone you've only just met. Drinks and a chat first of all and then maybe a meal or whatever. Of course you can be friends with both of them, but I really don't think you're being unreasonable for not wanting them to pop round to yours with gifts for your DCs.

PS I don't believe she isn't the ow either

Original poster

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 21:07

No they haven't met her yet and I think it's way to soon for them to do so. Your right, should my DC meet her before they do?

OP posts:

livvagterne · 09/12/2014 21:07

totally agree with oneearedrabbit.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 09/12/2014 21:08

If my Brother did this to me, I would be so cross about him putting me in this position: a little thought and the whole stress could have been avoided and the Op given time to makes sense of it all in its new context. Are you close enough to tell him to back off and give you space?

livvagterne · 09/12/2014 21:09

ilovechocspread, you're not over-involved. some people type sanctimoniously with no clue of the pain involved

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