Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

[Ilovechocspread]

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

[clam]

Over-invested? Why? How?

She's been very close to her SIL for years. Now her brother has moved on, very quickly, and wants the family to airbrush someone they're very fond of out of the picture and replace her with someone else.

Well, fine, he may want to do that for himself, but he can't expect everyone else to be happy about it. I wouldn't be. I'll meet new people, in my house, when I want to do so, not according to someone else's over-quick agenda. You can't force these things. If he wants to pave a smooth path for his new girlfriend into his family, he needs to tread slowly and carefully whilst feelings are still running understandably high.

Those who say the OP can be friends with both, are maybe dis-counting the fact that the SIL, aka OP's dear friend, may well be very hurt to think the family are welcoming this new woman with open arms. I wouldn't be happy doing that.

[Ilovechocspread]

Yes I will tell them, I haven't told them yet just incase he changed his mind. But I know that won't be happening now.

[clam]

And yes, OP, I would find it weird and very uncomfortable.

[HarlotOTara]

Yes I would find it hard, it is not being over invested, your cb and sil were/are family and it is hard to adjust, particularly if your sil and children are devastated. Are you sure he wasn't having an affair with the new woman

[clam]

Do you think he might have had this gf before the split?

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

I don't think he should be introducing a new girlfriend to your dcs so soon after the break up. I'd say no and maybe meet up with them myself. I understand why you aren't wanting to meet her yet. I wouldn't either. He was living with his wife and children a couple of months ago, now he isn't and wants to parade his new girlfriend around. He is your dc's cousins father and he should give it some time (ime).

[Sn00p4d]

I don't think YABU op. I also don't think you're over involved. If you have a close relationship with your family then this obviously impacts on you too. I don't think you're doing anything unreasonable to say you're not ready yet. It's a very sensitive issue for all involved.

[loaderloader]

I don't get the over invested comments. My brothers ex-wife was a much loved part of our family and it took me much longer than this to deal with their split. I stayed friends with her for a couple of years but eventually my loyalty had to be with my brother and his new partner. Staying friends wasnt really fair on my brother.

Its tough though. And experiencing divorce is sad for children, even if its their cousins parents.

I think you all need a little time. Christmas doesn't sound like the right time for the new partner to meet the family. I hope your brother understands.

[pictish]

No. The only thing permanent in this life, is change. Our sibling's choice of partner is not within our jurisdiction, so therefore it is not an issue we need to make peace with or get ready for.
Staying good friends with your db's ex is totally cool, but I think refuting the new gf out of your own heartbreak over their split is too much.

Come back down to earth.

[planetrees]

If you don't know the reason for the split, how do you know that the new girlfriend wasn't the OW. If she's that new then your DB should show a bit more sensitivity.

[usualsuspectsparkly3]

If your SiL is still devastated by the split I can understand you being reluctant to meet your brothers new GF. Does your SiL know about his new GF?

I would feel a bit off about it too TBH.

[Ilovechocspread]

That's is exactly how I feel Clam. You have summed up the situation perfectly. It's not that I don't like the new lady, I don't know her. But how would I feel if I was in my Sil situation?

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

Married for 14 years, recent split, wife devastated & DB already besotted with new gf - sound suspiciously like OW who's been hidden away until an appropriate moment. (& for that reason alone I wouldn't want to meet gf this soon or introduce to dc).

OTOH, if you 100% certain she's genuinely new on the scene, the the sooner you all get used to the idea the better

[londonrach]

Too soon if you not told dc. Ask him to come on his own.

[oneearedrabbit]

I suspect people on here who think you are "over invested" or "over involved" have not been in your position. Of course you are being reasonable to feel the way you do. It is part of the "new thing" for people in your brother's situation to want to show off the new partner. You do not have to indulge him in this till YOU are ready. I would suggest you meet him and the new partner in a neutral place, have a coffee or drink, exchange presents, and wait and see how things transpire as the weeks and months progress. Perfectly friendly. Don't muddle up your children yet. Whether you mention this to SIL is up to you and your relationship with her; even tho new GF may not be the cause of the split, be prepared for SIL to feel sad/squeezed out by new GF and worried that you will cast her off too. Which I am sure you will not.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Serious question to all those saying OP is overinvolved/overinvested in this - what do you mean by that? The terms aren't clear to me.

So, he leaves his wife of 14 years, she and their children are devastated by this. Within a few months he "already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with" .

Well, he may have moved on at high speed, but that doesn't mean everyone can (or should). You are still getting your head around your brother and your SIL being separate family units, and that's fine. It's a form of grieving. Take it at your own speed. Let him know that Christmas is too soon for you and your DC. If he can't understand that, more fool him.

[Purpleroxy]

I can see your loyalty to your SIL.

Perhaps say to your brother that you haven't told the kids about the split yet and could he please come alone this time. Soften it by saying you'd like to meet his new GF over dinner, without the kids since it's such a "new" relationship. (Bullshit).

Is this really a new relationship of only a few months or has he been seeing her behind SIL's back?

[Zebrasandpapayas]

Of course yanbu! Your db is being a bit insensitive and thoughtless imo. Does he have any dc?

And if your dc don't even know yet that their aunt and uncle have split up it's only understandable that you wait till you have told them before the new gf comes around. Could you tell your db that you'd love to meet the new gf but maybe after xmas when things have settled a bit?

[TheFowlAndThePussycat]

YANBU at all. This happened to my DB and DSIL about 18 months ago. My DC adored my DSIL, she was one of the first people to hold them as babies and they were very attached to her. Unfortunately the split was horribly messy and she hasn't wanted contact with us since.

My DB has had a new partner since around the time of the split. I have not wanted to meet her because I had no idea whether the relationship would last, but me and my DC have seen my DB a number of times. It has nothing to do with his parter herself, my parents have met her and she is apparently lovely, more that I felt it wasn't appropriate.

Anyway, we are going to meet her at Christmas, this feels right & I am looking forward to it. You need to do things in your own time.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

I'd tell him the truth. Suspiciously quick, too. Bet you London to a brick she isn't 'new' at all.

I don't think you are over-invested at all. I'd tell my sibling exactly what I thought of him/her getting involved with someone so quickly after a split like that when he/she had kids involved.

[TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire]

I'm sorry but I don't think the new lady is as new as you may think. It would explain the end of a marriage with no reason (and it sounds like it was a shock to his DW too), plus the fact he moved on v. quickly.. I'd think affair.

You shouldn't refuse a meet but suggest another date, which will be less emotionally charged than Christmas. Maybe after Christmas you and your DH could meet her first?

Then slowly introduce the children to her, that way you are still showing loyalty to your DBro without welcoming her with open arms.

You don't sound overly invested at all btw, you sound like any normal family member would in this situation I think.

[clam]

Actually, it doesn't matter if YABU or what anyone else thinks. The bottom line is you feel uncomfortable about it, and your feelings are what they are, so therefore you're well within your rights to ask him to take things more slowly where meeting you and your kids is concerned.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

'My DB has had a new partner since around the time of the split.'

Sure he did.

[TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire]

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