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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

204 replies

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 19:43

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

OP posts:
midgeymum2 · 09/12/2014 22:45

Could you maybe arrange to meet them for lunch somewhere, without the children? Somewhere neutral where you can maintain a little distance if you feel you need it. You can always make an excuse and leave early if you need to.

clam · 09/12/2014 22:45

My friend's husband left her for another woman, and it was less than three weeks before he was sitting on the sofa in his sister's house, inbetween her and his ow, cosying up to both of them saying how nice it was to have his two favourite girls getting together!

Original poster
Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:48

So you completly understand my situation Clam! That's awful, how could he do that after just 3 weeks?!

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 22:49

Yep, she's an OW. Just tell him it's too soon for you, you need time to process all this.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 09/12/2014 22:52

If your priority is your relationship with your exsil then that is fine, there is nothing wrong with that- sometimes family is more than who you share blood with

If you feel your brother has been very cruel (though I don't think leaving an unhappy marriage is ever a bad thing) then you don't have to support him or be happy for him

I just think that if you do want a good relationship with your brother and his DP things that happen now are going to have a lasting effect

You did ask if this would start you off on a bad foot with the new gf and I really think it would but obviously that is not the only consideration

BruthasTortoise · 09/12/2014 22:57

I think the fact that the SiL know about the new GF and hasn't mentioned the possibility that she's an OW to the OP means that the new GF most likely wasn't involved in the end of the marriage.

travailtotravel · 09/12/2014 23:03

I am sorry if someone has already suggested this, but could you explain to your brother that the kids don't know yet etc etc, but as a gesture of concilation, agree to meet him and the new gf for a coffee or a mulled wine.

She's not then in your space so you can feel better about your SIL. i think you'd have to tell your SIL though too, so its not a surprise if she finds out. She must know that you care for each other, and that while you don't agree with your brothers actions, he's your brother.

ladygracie · 09/12/2014 23:05

I think the fact that his own children haven't met his gf yet gives you a simple way out without it turning into a big deal. You have my sympathy as it must be tricky for you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/12/2014 23:08

Or Brutha maybe the SIL is doing the decent thing and not stirring up trouble between her ex and his sister?

I think you should say to him, look what's the hurry. If you genuinely love this woman and want to be with her then there is tons of time to introduce her to the family when things aren't so raw. His own children shouldn't even be introduced to her for several months, so he needs to get real with the wanting to play happy families with her.

BruthasTortoise · 09/12/2014 23:12

Or maybe the SiL was having an affair which gave the OPs brother a reason to leave and move on quickly with no guilt and now she regrets it? Hmm
There's absolutely no suggestion from anyone involved that the new GF is an OW so I think it's unfair to base opinion on the assumption she was / is.

KeatsieMincePie · 09/12/2014 23:13

Totally agree with oneearedrabbit and SoftDay and travail* and a lot of other people! It's really fast for this and of course you are not overinvolved. I hope he'll take it well if you put it nicely. Good luck.

Tistheseasontobepissy · 09/12/2014 23:16

I don't think your over involved either Hmm

I would say 'no, it's too soon' let the dust settle before he starts replacing SIL.

Although the urgency for you meeting her would suggest he has 'known' her a little longer OW

defineme · 09/12/2014 23:27

I would say to my brother that I want to support him so I will meet just adults on neutral ground like pub and I would be honest with sil about it. Say not with kids as his haven't met her.
I would not risk offending someone who could potentially be your new sil one day by refusing to meet altogether.

Blu · 09/12/2014 23:27

"But is it right my DC meet her before his own?"

No, it isn't. Tell your brother that you're sure it would be nice to meet up and have a drink as adults, but leave the kids out of it until he is more settled and his own kids have met her and got to know her.

TortillasAndChocolate · 09/12/2014 23:46

YANBU - I would feel exactly the same. Do what's right for you. If you're not ready, just tell him that.

You're not over-involved as people are saying either - it's your brother and your sister in law.

ZenNudist · 09/12/2014 23:52

Totally agree with your post of 22:14.

My dbil has been long term single and had a slew of gfs who whilst lovely I got cynical that any of them would last. I found it annoying that these gfs would get brought along to really important 'just family' occasions. Well, mainly I was annoyed at random strangers turning up when both my dc were born. It's annoying to have wedding and christening and such likes where a gf is being treated like a family member in all the photos and subsequently these girls turn out to be (in one case a trollop from hell) a passing thing. I wouldn't mind him having a date. It's just the date was always introduced as a long term fixture and we couldn't question it. They had to be in the centre of all the photos and any suggestion that we get a pic of say him and his new nephew was ignored. As it stands he has now settled with someone and long may that last.

In your case you're being asked to treat this new gf like a close friend or family member and she's just a random who likely helped to break up a marriage. Def not someone to have over for family exchanging gifts.

Castlemilk · 10/12/2014 00:20

I'd bet a considerable sum that she was the OW - or at least on the scene in some way. Probably she was the thing that made him make the break at least - as they say, men rarely jump unless they've got a soft landing lined up...

Your posts are really sad - you're trying hard to be loyal to your brother, but it's clear as day that he's acted, and is continuing to act, like a monster to his now-broken family. 'Can't get rid of her quick enough'? For heaven's sakes, why? He's got what he wanted, can he really not be as caring and civil as possible to the mother of his children, the person currently trying to put them back together while being smashed to pieces herself?

OP, just because he's your brother, does not mean that your own personal integrity has to go by the wayside. Yes, you can spell it out to him that while you respect his right to end the marriage and move on, and are prepared to support his new relationship completely without prejudice, he in return has to be realistic about the situation - and the fact that the people who should come first in this are the children.

People generally say that good parents should wait around six months before introducing children to a new partner after the stress of a breakup. Tell him you don't know how long he plans to wait, you hope it will be a decent amount of time and done in cooperation with your SIL, and he can see why, with all that uppermost, your instinct is to say that no, of course this new woman shouldn't be involved with the family before his own DC have met her. Has he thought for a minute the resentment and trouble that might cause?

The bottom line is, if he wants the new girlfriend accepted wholeheartedly, without resentment, he has to let it happen at a pace other people are happy with. Properly happy, where they can see they aren't causing pain to other loved ones. It just takes time, and he has to suck that up. Force it, try and push it, and the new gf will be the one resented. Probably most of all by his children.

So refuse, tell him why, and make it clear that you are actually genuinely trying to make life smoother in the long run by doing so.

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2014 00:21

I do not think you are overly invested. I think you are sensitive and sensible.

Do not meet her if not ready. Tell DB you are not ready. Or meet her privately without kids away from the home.

There is no way your kids should meet her before his kids IMHO.

Good luck.

MummyBeerest · 10/12/2014 00:39

Yanbu OP.

Yes, relationships end and people move on. But they don't get to dictate when and how everyone else does on their own time.

My own father did this the first Christmas my parents were divorced. Guess what? We never saw Christmas girlfriend again. And Christmas was never the same in our family since then. Going to see family at Christmas and not knowing who or what to expect is not a good feeling.

If this is the love of his life, there will be plenty of time to meet her.

Original poster
Ilovechocspread · 10/12/2014 05:40

Some great advice, thank you. It really helps to know there are people who understand how I feel. Hopefully I will get a chance to speak to him today.

OP posts:
Jill2015 · 10/12/2014 06:30

YANBU, OP, I am fond of all of my SILs and they are so much part of the family, I couldn't imagine being ready to meet a new partner of any of my brothers, within such a short timeframe from a split, and knowing that the SIL and kids are devastated.
He needs to give you time to adjust, in my opinion. I think it also would be hurtful to your SIL to hear that he and his new partner had been to visit, so soon. I think, to her, it could seem as if she has been seamlessly replaced, in all of your lives, not just in her husband's life.
I'd be asking him to give you time to get used to the new setup, before meeting him and his new partner. I agree with people saying, leave it until at least, after Christmas, which is such an emotionally charged time.

Ledkr · 10/12/2014 07:24

Op, my ex sil and I are still best friends despite her brother cheating on me.
She was loyal and supportive when we split up but stil had to maintain a relationship with her brother which included her meeting the ow.
I understood this although of course it was painful but our friendship is still very close 10 yrs later.
If I remember rightly it was a while before she had ow in her house tho, largely as she felt uncomfortable around them knowing I was at home bringing up our 4 dc including one of 8 months Hmm

Sallystyle · 10/12/2014 08:56

I am with you OP.

If I was friends with a couple who recently split and one of them was devastated and the other was all loved up with a new partner I wouldn't want to meet her either. It would make no difference just because it is my brother.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't have his new gf in my house while having to see the devastation his wife is going through.

SlimJiminy · 10/12/2014 09:35

Hope all goes well when you speak to your brother today op - hopefully if you can make him think about how his children are feeling, he'll understand that taking things slowly will help in the long run.

LegoAdventCalendar · 10/12/2014 09:39

I'd tell my brother just how fucking selfish and immature he was being, too. Self-centred twat. All about himself and his happiness, fuck the kids.