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AIBU?

Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

204 replies

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 19:43

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

OP posts:

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Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 21:50

That's how I feel, womanscorned. Just because he is totally in love with this new lady, does that mean everyone has to be happy too? I can't help but feel sorry for my sil and nephews.

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CrispyFern · 09/12/2014 21:53

You aren't over invested!
Some people are idiots. Or maybe they are very young and have only had / can only imagine their siblings having relationships of a few short years.

It is hard, your brother shouldn't rush you all.

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:00

Yes maybe people haven't got the experience so it may come across as over involved. But I can't erase years of history with someone and just slot a new person into our lives that quickly!

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lunar1 · 09/12/2014 22:02

Yanbu, my sil has been around for 12 years. She is not interchangeable with a new girlfriend. If my brother left her she would still be family and my children's auntie, no way would my boys be meeting a new girlfriend so soon.

Reekypear · 09/12/2014 22:07

No YANBU at all.

Firstly you don't know details.

Secondly your brother is on the rebound. I doubt it will end well.

People don't marry, families marry. It's ok to feel sad, and it's ok for you to grieve the changes. It's his life, but it's also your life.

Seriously people have no respect for marriage anymore.

WomanScorned · 09/12/2014 22:12

Do people really think OP should be pleased that her db is the happiest he's ever been, while his children are the unhappiest they've ever been?
I know that when I fell in love, it was all consuming. I thought about him all the time, spent hours on the phone to him, texting, anticipating spending time with him, actually spending time with him and so on.

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:14

Seems like the majority think it's not unreasonable to say not yet to my brother. I think after his own DC meet her then it will be time for us to meet her.
Thank you for all the comments, I have apprciated seeing things from everyone's point of view.

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Reekypear · 09/12/2014 22:14

Yes woman. My family is experiencing similar.

He's so happy, it's just a pity it's crushing his kids to bits. Fucker.

Shit, kids don't bounce back, they fucking break....and it fucks you up forever.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 09/12/2014 22:15

I do think YABU but I can also see why you feel the way you do

I do think you need to be a little careful if you want a good relationship with your brother going forward, refusing to meet the woman he loves could be seen as taking sides. Of course taking sides is totally your choice and if you decide that your relationship with your exsil is more important then that's fine, but it could cause lasting problems if your brother does settle down with his new DP

CariadsDarling · 09/12/2014 22:20

But its not taking sides, its just saying to her brother that as a family they need more time to take it all on board.

BruthasTortoise · 09/12/2014 22:21

If she's not the OW (and there doesn't seem to be any suggestion from any of the parties involved that she was) then I'd assume that he was very unhappy in his marriage. It has been my experience that it takes an extended period of real misery for someone to end a marriage especially with children involved without the involvement of a third party. Under these circumstances I would be pleased to see my brother happy and, yes, I would meet his new partner while still continuing to support my ex-SiL if possible.

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:21

Yes I understand that it may be taken the wrong by them. I have nothing against this lady as I know nothing about her. But is it right my DC meet her before his own?

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TopazRocks · 09/12/2014 22:22

You are not over-invested, OP. You have clear reservations about this situation for all the reasons you have outlined. Just be firm with your brother and explain (or try to!) how you feel. Meeting the new gf somewhere away from your home for the time being seems like a good compromise. I hope it goes okay for all of you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/12/2014 22:24

YANBU - It's totally unfair to expect you to welcome the new gf so soon. I would say he is welcome to visit on his own but you're not ready to meet her yet. Say you'll reconsider in the new year but even then it won't involve the DCs yet.

LapsedTwentysomething · 09/12/2014 22:25

I actually wouldn't want much of a relationship with my brother if he treated his recently ex-wife and DCs like this. Your SIL is bound to your family through their DCs. The entire situation has to be dealt with carefully - your brother and his GF aren't the priority here as they seem to have plenty of support from one another.

livvagterne · 09/12/2014 22:25

don't want to put up too much detail but it's possible this woman isn't his 'new love' but his mistress or his freedom fling.

In six months you could be very glad you'd shown your sil loyalty. It's not just a case of loyalty, it's respecting the person in the most pain. the lovers will skip merilly on. united against the cynical world.

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:25

Thank you, TopazRocks. I've got a feeling this is all going to be very messy. I will try to be neutral and support everyone.

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Purplepoodle · 09/12/2014 22:27

I think your right to say his own dc first. It's awful he is introducing his gf to family members before his own children. Could you meet them just yourself and your Dh or you and your mum in a coffee shop or over lunch before Christmas. It would show him your willing to move on but keep initial contact short and light.

livvagterne · 09/12/2014 22:27

yy to reekypear. rebound relationship. if they're still together in a year, then revisit.

flipchart · 09/12/2014 22:32

I've been in exactly the same position with my brother about 3 years ago.

I took the view that it was Colin's life, I wanted to be part of it and I was welcoming.
I've stayed friendly with EX SIL and she too has since moved on. I've never got to the bottom of what went on but it was never my business.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 09/12/2014 22:36

Cariad, I'd didn't say the op would be taking sides just that it could be seen that way. If you had a new partner and his family refused to meet you because they were close to his ex then that could be seen as choosing sides and could easily cause ongoing problems- especially if you felt you'd done nothing wrong. If this relationship does go the distance then things that happen now could well influence future family relationships, and yes that is unfair because the timing is bad but the start of a relationship sets the tone and emotions are heightened

From the new partners point of view she wants to meet the family of the (single, available) man she had fallen in love with and they don't want anything to do with her

Of course it is more complicated than that, and ilove I really can understand why this is hard for you, and really if you never want to meet her then that is your call. How do you think your brother will react if you say no? Is he very defensive of her and their relationship? Are you normally close to him?

comingintomyown · 09/12/2014 22:36

YANBU I wish I'd had a SIL like you when my DH OF 17 years left

You don't have to keep it up forever but at least until your SIL has come through the worst

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WomanScorned · 09/12/2014 22:37

Gah, only half my post appeared :/
I think db and new gf are being massively insensitive and have put op in an awkward position.

clam · 09/12/2014 22:39

"but it could cause lasting problems if your brother does settle down with his new DP"

If there are lasting problems, then I think that would be down to the brother, for handling this whole business badly. I would also think he has more to lose than the OP, to be honest. If he wants his gf accepted, then he should tread carefully.

Ilovechocspread · 09/12/2014 22:40

I wouldn't say we are really close but we have become closer since he left his wife. I think this is because he hasn't been happy for years and was angry with the world. Now he has met someone new he is like a new person. It is nice to see him happy but at what expense?

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