Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

[Ilovechocspread]

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

[Purpleroxy]

You're not over involved. I'd be really upset if my brother ditched my SIL.

My MIL sat on the floor and cried when my DH ditched me for OW!

[planetrees]

I would be more concerned about my SIL, than my DB and his new love.

She really needs a bit of solidarity at the moment, he clearly doesn't, he's never been so happy. yuck!

[Mrsstarlord]

Sanctimonious or able to see the bigger picture?

[CatsClaus]

I'd meet her, but on strictly neutral territory. Lunch/pub/dinner, not at your home, not involving any children or any family occasions.

Everyone knows everyone is likely to move on, but your brother is firmly trying to wedge his new squeeze into the family and people are feeling uncomfortable.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

It's your brother's children I feel sorry for. Their parents have recently split and now dad's parading around a new gf, how bloody insensitive and selfish of him.

I don't think your dc should meet the gf before their cousins either. Imagine how they'd feel if one of your dc let something slip about having met the gf when they hadn't.

Btw another one here who's thinking ow.

[petalunicorn]

The op is right to believe her brother if he says that gf is not the ow. I can imagine it would be very easy to get together with someone else very quickly if you have not loved your spouse for a long time/ever. He could have emotionally split from his wife a long time before.

I would meet the new gf in this scenario, but I'm not sure I'd want my kids to meet her yet as it's too complicated to explain to them all in one go and I wouldn't want to legitimise being married one month and dating someone else the next.

[Ilovechocspread]

I suppose that's why his own Dc haven't met her yet as he knows how unhappy they are. But then is it right for us to play happy families when I know the pain it has caused?

[Mammanat222]

I asked way back on first page is SIL knows about new GF? I'm assuming she does.

I disagree that you are over-invested and I also think the notion that you have to 'support your brother and his happiness' is a load of shit.

A family has just fallen apart and the fallout is bound to effect other relatives too. I see a lot of hatred towards SIL's here on MN so chances are a lot of people replying have no idea what it is actually like to have a strong relationship with your SIL.

I see no reason in indulging your brother. Tell him you are not ready and explain that his kids are unlikely to be ready either.

She may be the OW or she may be a passing fancy or she may be the woman he ends up with for life. If she is around to stay then you have plenty of time to get to know her so no need to rush?

[CocktailQueen]

I don't think you're over-reacting or over invested. I can totally see why you feel like this. Sounds like your dh may have had an affair with her, hence leaving his wife. No wonder she and the dc are devastated.

You don't need to meet her yet if you're not ready. Ask your db to visit alone at Xmas.

[Bogeyface]

I wonder if he is shoehorning the new GF in because he wants it all ways?

He wants to cosy family times he had with his wife and kids but the excitement of his new relationship. What he is forgetting is that it will have taken longer than a few months for the SIL to have become part of the family, he seems to think that GF can just sit in SIL's seat and everyone will be fine!

At worse deluded, at best downright selfish.

How is he being with SIL OP? Is he being decent or is he being a dick to her?

[lem73]

I don't know why people are saying the op is overinvested. I would be reluctant and I don't even like my sil! It's a big change in the family and it takes time to adjust. I think it's way too soon for your kids. That would be weird for them.
Perhaps compromise and meet for coffee or a drink like lots of people are saying.

[Ilovechocspread]

I think he hasn't loved his wife for a very long time, this is why he has moved on so quickly. For this reason I do believe he hasn't been having an affair. But it doesn't mean everyone else moves on at the same speed!

[clam]

Frankly, I would rate the chances of a good future relationship with the gf would be increased if she (and he) showed the foresight and sensitivity not to ram this down people's throats to quickly.

[Bulbasaur]

You're not overly involved. What everyone is saying looks good on paper, but not particularly applicable to real life.

In an ideal world with no feelings or attachments, yes it would be nice to keep an open mind and welcome in new family members with open arms and no judgement since DB is the one that picks out your sister in-law.

Reality is you have kids and DN's to think of right now. Upsetting and confusing them on Christmas day by suddenly throwing in a new woman that will be part of their lives is a terrible idea. DB's being incredibly insensitive to everyone's feelings right now. Just because he's not upset doesn't mean everyone else needs to be happy about it. SIL has been and still is a very big part of your family and life.

First things first though, tell your children what's going on so that when SIL and nephews come over they're not confused why they're upset. Let that shock sink in for a bit. Everyone needs time to adjust to the change.

Then maybe after Christmas, let DB bring his girlfriend around as a friend. Right now, she's either a side dish or a rebound. I wouldn't get the kids upset and emotional that they're getting a new auntie when it may not last. But don't let him introduce her as his new girlfriend until your kids and his kids aren't so shell shocked about the whole thing.

Inviting her over with "open arms" is going to get you off to a much worse start when no one takes to her because they're still reeling from the split up. If she is going to be a part of DB's life, you want to meet her on neutral territory when everyone is in a good place mentally and emotionally.

So no, Christmas is not the appropriate time. But, extend the olive branch since he is your brother, and tell him you'd like to meet her after the holiday chaos.

[Ilovechocspread]

Sorry I missed your question, yes sil does know about gf. I wouldn't say my brother is being that nice to my sil. It's like he can't get rid of her quick enough.

[oneowlgirl]

YANBU - I agree with everything Clam says & don't think you're over involved at all. Not a nice situation & I skis think that likely she's the OW.

[oneowlgirl]

Also not skis - my autocorrect is weird!

[SoftDay]

I think you sound rather lovely, OP, and don't understand all these cries of "over involved".
It is horrible when a couple breaks up, because there is a ripple effect which impacts extended family and friends. It sounds like you are close to both your brother and his former partner. It is perfectly normal to feel sad that their relationship is over and to feel a sense of loyalty to the ex-SIL, who is also your friend.
Perhaps say to your brother that you are very pleased to see him so happy and are looking forward to meeting his new partner. However, you need a little time to get your head around the new situation and explain to your child(ren) what has happened. That is perfectly reasonable.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can maintain some type of relationship with your ex-SIL while also supporting your brother into the future.

[Baliali31]

I don't understand how you are 'over invested', I would feel the same level of loyalty to ex SIL. Take your time and meet your brother's new partner when it is right for you And your children

[Ilovechocspread]

Thank you Softday, your comment really helps me. It's nice that a lot of people understand where I'm coming from. I don't want to be in this situation :(

[Ilovechocspread]

Thank you Baliali31, I don't understand the over involved comments either?

[BruthasTortoise]

If your SiL met a new man would you meet him?

[WomanScorned]

Am I the only one wondering how op's db managed to find the time and the emotional energy to embark on a new relationship/fall head over heels in love, whilst doing right by his newly devastated, confused, upset children - op's nephews
I know that a few months after my marriage ended, I was too busy trying to keep things as normal as possible for my grieving child, whose life had suddenly turned upside down.
I would not be condoning his putting his own happiness above that of my dn's by welcoming them.

[Ilovechocspread]

When the time was right, yes I would meet a her new man.