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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

209 replies

fluffforbrains · 05/12/2014 21:52

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

OP posts:
Chandon · 06/12/2014 19:27

Apologise

Your PiL sound nice.

You sound a bit jealous of Sil and BiL?

chocolatemademefat · 06/12/2014 19:28

I sympathise with you because my kids get very little attention from GPS but I've learned over the years to suck it up. People will do what they think is fair regardless of your feelings and to stay sane its better to shrug it off and be glad for what they do contribute.
All you can do is keep apologizing. Hopefully your DH will calm down soon and be more supportive.

crumblebumblebee · 06/12/2014 19:30

I feel for the PILs who sound like they are trying their best to be as fair as possible in an impossible situation. Not sure the OP is coming back, some posters were very harsh but ILs and 'free babysitting' always gets some people's backs up.

QuietsBatmobileLostAWheel · 06/12/2014 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/12/2014 20:59

Just clicked back onto this thread as it came up in my "I'm On". A bit surprised by everyone's desire to kick a woman when she's down - that people clearly feel so utterly scandalised by someone feeling hard done to with regards to their MIL's level of support, texting a friend about it, and accidentally sending it to someone else by mistake. How is this so heinous?
I also noted a little bit of aggression directed towards me, for posting in support of OP. For example echt, at 8.16, who invited me to "RTFT, why don't you?"
Treat people with dignity and respect, why don't you? Why so rude?
Honestly, there are things that go on worth getting angry and aggressive about, and this isn't one of them. OP obviously feels hard done to, and whatever "maths" anyone has done regarding how much free childcare they think she is getting in relation to her SIL, she is probably in a better position to judge regarding the equity or otherwise of how she is treated.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2014 22:08

People can only go by the facts as presented by the OP, who has decided to post in AIBU.

And it just happens to transpire that the majority on this thread do, in fact, think that the OP is Very U indeed.

Not kicking her when she's down (bet her MiL is feeling pretty down too). Just pointing out that she's been fairly lucky with the help she's received even if she perceives it to be not as good or as much as her SiL.

And if she hadn't been feeling hard done by then she wouldn't have accidently sent the text to the wrong person, would she?

Also, she doesn't sound that sorry about the content, just sorry that MiL and SiL now know how she feels.

DirtyOldTown · 06/12/2014 22:31

I was wondering how angry and ranty the text SIL saw actually was. If it was a bit of an 'oh it's not fair' whine then sincere apologies should clear the air. A full on bitch fest might be harder to forgive. (Not to mention that odd 'confronting MIL').
OP has to decide which is more important - feeling justified and 'right', or avoiding a serious family rift. If it's the latter then apologise, apologise and apologise some more. There is a lot ground to be made up.

CateBlanket · 06/12/2014 22:44

I don't know why you're all still ranting at her when she hasn't come back since her first post!

Neverknowingly · 06/12/2014 23:22

I'm not sure that is true Lovely. I'm thinking that the OP may lack the objectivity needed to judge the situation.

Cate - OP did come back last night at 23.13 clearly unwilling to accept SIBU. Not since then though

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