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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

209 replies

fluffforbrains · 05/12/2014 21:52

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 05/12/2014 22:29

Maybe if the OP had sick child care at the drop of a hat, she could WORk full time?

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2014 22:29

Hey! Why so hard on the Op? It is very hard to be grateful for crumbs when you see how much a sibling is getting

Crumbs? She's hardly getting crumbs from her PIL.

Also, it's not the OP's sibling that is getting more childcare.

It shouldn't be hard to be grateful at all imo.

KneeQuestion · 05/12/2014 22:31

Also, it's not the OP's sibling that is getting more childcare

No, its her husbands sibling, what difference does that make?

theHowlatWooooooCorner · 05/12/2014 22:32

I can't see why you believe that anyone other than yourself could be responsible for this 'mess'.
Your PIL help you to have child free time. They do the same for their other GC's parents. They provide sickness cover, which they would probably do for you if you needed.
You've been ungrateful for the help your PIL give you and cone across as jealous and resentful to your SIL.
I'm not surprised your DH is angry and I think you need to face up to what you've done.
How did you send such a long text to the very worst person possible?

missorinoco · 05/12/2014 22:35

You have my sympathy. This is a situation where you feel hard done by, and you composed a text to a friend saying how you felt, warts and all, and sent it to the wrong person. Bollocks.

Feeling resentful that you are missing out to someone who already received more than you isn't unreasonable; you aren't saying you're not grateful for what you had, you are saying you feel that it is less.

On the flip, however you spend your child free time, it is child free time, and whatever you need or choose to do with that time is up to you. I say this as it sounds a little like you resent you have to spend your free time cleaning whilst they SIL does other things with hers.

My post will get boringly long, so in short, SIL will be upset, both due to your resentment and possibly due to guilt that she gets more time.

MIL will be upset, that what she is doing isnt enough, snd maybe because she didn't help more as she thought you were managing fine vas you were.

Send them both a bunch of flowers and a card saying sorry. It will pass. Xmas will come and go, in a whirl of children mayhem, and there is bound to be someone on hete who has accidently sent their MIL and Sil a text stating how much they hate them.

Best apologise to DH too for causing a ruckus, then go to meet your mate and have a large glass of wine.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2014 22:35

The OP has up to 7 hours of childcare provided every week

Her SIL lives 100 miles away so the PILs only get to see that GC every few weeks.

They covered 2 holidays and some sickness days, that's all.

They are clearly trying to be as even as they can, given the distance their other GC lives, but actually the OP is getting more childcare (and regular).

No wonder her poor MIL was in tears, although if I was her I'd be bloody angry at the ingratitude.

Gawjushun · 05/12/2014 22:35

You are so, so lucky to have PIL nearby who will give you regular, free childcare. Yes, your other in-laws are getting this and that, but that's life. It's up to PIL to decide how they spend their time and who they give their free time to. Suck it up, and hope that your sincere apologies will be enough for them to continue the arrangement.

scarletforya · 05/12/2014 22:38

You get 4-7 childfree hours a week?! A lot of people - - like me - - get none . And as for child free holidays?! What?!

Firstly, why would you want to go on holiday without your children and secondly, lucky you if you can afford on any holiday at all.

Quit whining, really you're being a brat.

TsukuruTazaki · 05/12/2014 22:43

Tbh it sounds like you get more free childcare than SIL as she will be paying out for a full time nursery place whereas you have some regular free childcare.

YABVU and tbh yes the mess is all your fault as far you've explained in the OP.

So ungrateful and grasping.

SnowSpot · 05/12/2014 22:45

Oh dear. I agree with the above posters in that I think 4-7 hours childcare a week sounds an amazing deal and really, you should have just been grateful for that.

Really, what your PILs arrange with their other GCs is not your concern. I can understand being jealous of the holidays etc, but none of us have equal lives. You don't sound like you work - so perhaps your SIL is jealous of you having almost a day worth of 'free time'?

I would do the flowers thing and apologise profusely. People know when others are apologising because they've been caught out, rather than apologising because they know they were in the wrong. That is why your DH and MIL think your apology is a bit whiffy.

I do feel for you, as causing a family rift this close to Xmas must be gutting!

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/12/2014 22:48

It is totally of your making. It really is.

But if not all, then a great many of us have sent a text to wrong person. It's because you're thinking about the person you're talking about in the text rather than who you are sending it to (that is my theory).

You need to take a deep breath and aplogise profusely. You also need to accept that people can be slow to forget.

Accidental as the text was, it was your fuck up and yours alone.

Apatite1 · 05/12/2014 22:48

I fail to see why you would believe anyone else is an architect of this mess but you!

wildfig · 05/12/2014 22:58

What comes across from your OP is a bit of snippiness about the IL's 'amazing careers' and '3 hols' - but presumably along with their financial success comes a lot of pressure and long working hours. Maybe if you asked SIL how she felt about the situation, she'd say she was knackered from trying to be everything to everyone, and envied you the time you have with your kids, plus the close regular contact your children have with their GPs. SAHM/WOHM is such an emotionally charged balance at the best of times - this might well be a sore point for both the ILs and the GPs, and, even though you sound knackered and stressed out too, I think you've got a lot of apologising and oil-pouring and reassuring to do.

Sorry.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/12/2014 23:02

Doing the maths:-

You get:-
52 * 5.5 = 286 hours a year.

They get (assuming kids sleep for 10 hours a night and are ill for 10 days a year):-

2 98 + 10 10 = 296 hours a year.

Pretty similar really.

Perhaps try and do something for you during your 4 - 7 hours a week so you don't feel so resentful.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2014 23:06

Also OP

If you want more child free time, why not sit down with your DH and discuss it?

See if you can work out a timetable where you give each other some child free time...even if it's only a few times a month.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2014 23:06

You made a huge mistake by sending the text but you didn't mean to send it. It was a mistake and there's not much you can do about it now. I'd just let things settle down and say no more about it. Even if you get only a few hours a week help that's a lot more than many people get. It is massively ungrateful to be always comparing yourself and being envious of your other sil.

Nelehwelly · 05/12/2014 23:07

Whether the arrangements are equally weighted or not is one of those points that could be debated ad infinitum (big chunks of child care vs smaller more frequent amounts of child care), but your question is whether you ABU for thinking you are not the sole architect of this situation.

And basically yes, you ABU to think that you can shift any of the responsibility for the shitstorm onto any one else. It doesn't appear that you've spoken to PIL about how you view the arrangements, so they weren't to know. Instead, you've ranted to a friend and unfortunately not been too careful when checking who you sent the message to.
In that respect the current state of affairs followed directly from your actions.
It seems like you want to shift part of that responsibility onto someone else (PIL for the way they've divided out their child care and for not recognising that you viewed this as unfair; SIL/BIL for having different careers paths/lifestyle choices to you), but you were the one who pressed 'send'.

I'm not sure who else you think is culpable or why?

RoastitBubblyJocks · 05/12/2014 23:08

Yep, YABU and you need to fix it. You benefit far more than they do.

Original poster
fluffforbrains · 05/12/2014 23:13

A lot of you are questioning whether I work or not. I'm actually on maternity leave looking after a baby and a toddler. If you do not think this is work then well done you, quite frankly I find it knackering and will be relieved to get back to work. I actually believe SAHMs get it way harder, its no holiday camp and having a few hours to iron/hoover/clean the loo/weekly shop is hardly a break. 7 hours is on a good week, and boy does my house needs a good clean.

OP posts:
fuctifino · 05/12/2014 23:14

Time to eat some humble pie.

You don't sound that hard done to. More, much more help than many people I know.

Shadow1986 · 05/12/2014 23:15

Oh what an awkward situation...

You are being very unreasonable and should actually be very grateful to them for the help they give you.

They are your children and your responsibility why do you feel like you deserve more time away from them and annoyed at grandparents they are not giving it to you? Madness.

If it was me id be holding my hands up and saying ' I was having a hard day, I made a huge mistake' .

Feel so bad for your DP to be put in this situation. Hopefully he can help you smooth things over.

echt · 05/12/2014 23:15

So what is your husband doing? You have a full-time job looking after the children.

Shadow1986 · 05/12/2014 23:16

Just to add I'm a mother to toddler twins and get NO help so that's why it seems quite ungrateful as id be grateful of any help.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/12/2014 23:16

Oh whatever op.

You still need to apologise.

Nelehwelly · 05/12/2014 23:21

I haven't seen anything on here that suggests that looking after a toddler and a baby isn't hard work - I'd imagine the majority of people here have found themselves in similar circumstances.

But it does seem like you want someone to say that the situation isn't your fault because of extenuating circumstances that excuse what you did.