to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

As others have said you have massively fucked up.
Get a cleaner and look after your own children.

The situation doesn't sound unfair at all. Your pil sound like saints. They must be so hurt. You really need to acknowledge your role I. This an make so.e very heart felt apologies.
On a seperate note, how much support are you getting from your Dh with the kids and around the house? I suspect he could be at the root of your exhaustion, rather than the lack of extra support from your pil.

Best not to post in AIBU if you're not prepared to be told you are, OP.

how about paying for childcare from someone else? I have only just managed to get 2 hours childfree hours a week after 2 years by paying for it. You sound so entitled and moany. No wonder you mil was in tears. And as for no childfree holidays???? you have kids - get over it. Major apologies by you required.

No-one's saying being a SAHM is a walk in the park (I know - I used to be one).

But the point is, everyone's house needs a good clean. You're right, it's hardly a break...but it is a break from having to do those chores with children disturbing you.

It's lovely that your PILs enable you to do that, child free every week.

Unfortunately you are the lone architect here. Not because of your views on the fairness, or otherwise, of what seems like a lot of free childcare being willingly given by grandparents but because you sent the text to the wrong person. Thus unleashing the shitstorm that you are currently trying to shelter from.

I honestly think that all you can do is grovel. Plead tiredness, plead the distraction of small dcs but don't get defensive with your PIL. Hopefully they will be sympathetic but be prepared to eat a slice of humble pie alongside the Christmas pudding.

Shit - I'd be mortified if I were you. Dmil does a day of free childcare for us and we are so grateful. Honestly op - you need to acknowledge to them that you were bang out of order before Christmas if you're meant to be spending it with them.

I really don't get the appeal of going away on holiday without the kids. A night or 2 is fun but after that I'd just miss them. (slightly off topic I know)

You sound like my SIL, who has just about caused a huge family rift with her jealousy over how much childcare my sister gets.

I feel so sorry for grandparents. How can they possibly make things 100% equal when life circumstances are so different?? There is always going to be one set of parents who live closer, work longer hours, etc. My parents are in the same situation as your PIL, and it makes me so angry.

Different families have different needs, and most grandparents bend over backwards to split their time fairly. Your reaction must have felt like a slap in the face, and I think you have screwed up big-time here.

I'm really not getting the logic behind wanting childcare for a holiday that you can't afford to take.

OP, you really need to take responsibility and get this sorted. I'm going to presume that your DC have a good relationship with the GP, and you have had a decent relationship with them up till now, so it would be beneficial to everybody to apologise.

OP - I so feel for you, it's not easy, I can tell you feel horrible about the email. It sounds like you like them so they must be decent people so as others have said eat humble pie apologize a lot and just try to move on. I would suggest you don't try to justify your reason - just apologize.

It will be OK I'm sure

My sister is also a high flyer and my parents have looked after her children for all of every school holidays, the majority of weekends and every time they were sick since they were born. They have had my children for perhaps one day two or three times a year, often in order to entertain my DNs and occasionally when I've been desperate. Any arrangements I make with them go out of the window if DSis decides she needs them.

This happens because my DSis has an "important"job that makes them very proud. I hate it being shoved down my throat like this and it does bug me that she takes priority 100% of the time. However, I would never think of raising it with them and, if I did have a bit of a rant at a friend and they found out I would be mortified and very contrite.

It is their business what they do with their time and they get to choose who benefits from their help. I don't have a say.

I do get irritated by being second best but that's more about them harping on non-stop about her earnings, her first class flights, her foreign holidays, her bonuses, etc. The childcare thing really isn't a major issue for me.

Stop imagining that you have a right to equal hours of childcare. You don't.

Someone else has done the maths, but i agree that you get around the same, just in different chunks. Be the bigger person, say youve now done the maths and were completely in the wrong, and send both a bunch of flowers to say sorry. And offer to bring some humble pie for christmas day.

You have this opportunity to make things right, dont fuck it up.

I think your expectation of getting 'time off' from your children is weird. Children are permanent you know. 4-7 hours a week to do housework or whatever is pretty luxurious.

I'm at a loss how to explain to you that yabvu. You're luckier than most but you don't seem to get that....

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a moan/rant to a friend, most people do it at some point in life, these boards are evidence of that, sometimes you just need to get it off your chest.

OPs unintentional sending of that text to the wrong person was very unfortunate and has hurt peoples feelings.

She has apologised and will probably have more apologising to do.

She hasn't killed anyone.

OP who else do you think is to blame? And how? I'm genuinely confused !
You get FAR more childcare than your SIL, I'd much prefer it on a regular basis to do housework than only when I'm ill and can't do anything, I would also hate to not see my kids properly all year due to school and work, then have a holiday without them!
You get to spend all of your time with your kids and also get them out from under your feet for a few hours a week while you do housework - for free!! What is your problem?!
If you want a night off you could always say to your in laws, this week instead of having the DC during the day could you have them overnight/during the evening at our house while DH & I go out - simples!
You sound very ungrateful and I feel sorry for your MIL, and SIL actually she's possibly quite envious of your lifestyle and now probably feels you're taking advantage of her parents generosity and are massively ungrateful of them
You've got a lot of work to do making this right

YABU. They are probably jealous of you getting regular, free child care whilst they pay for theirs.

You don't feel entitled to help from grandparents do you? If you removed the idea that they ought to help out from the equation, would this help you on your way to getting on with raising your family YOUr way? Oh and apologise to everyone, grin and bear Xmas with them. Not much more you can do. And stop fretting about how many hols the SIL takes etc Who cares?!

Just grovel op, it's all you can do. We all balls up sometimes, it's not the end of the world, just grovel.

You are right OP - that year of mat leave with two littlies is hard work (still wasn't harder than my job, but I had an insanely hard job then and a really fun bunch of mums to hang out with! I was lucky) but you still had a nicer time than most of us which is why I think most are agog at you feeling hard done by.

Equally, my own DM and PILs were rubbish with mine on a regular basis, and I prob ranted about that a few times.

So pil are actually looking after both your children?

I'm afraid I think you are the sole architect of this mess. You were ungrateful towards someone doing you favour they don't have to do.

You seem very angry with "confronting" your mil and "ranting" but you are in the wrong and until you suck it up and apologise like you mean it instead of whinging about perceived inequalities you're not going to be able to get past this.

They are not obligated to give you any childcare regardless of how much they provide elsewhere. The fact they do so for your two children on a regular basis makes you very, very lucky.

I think there are also others at fault.

No, nobody else is at fault. YABU.

My pil mind my dcs c.4 hours a week, I think they mind my bil's dc 3 or maybe 4 afternoons a week. I would never dream of being resentful or thinking they should do more for us or equal for both. We pay childcare for the other days so if I think about it my BIL doesn't have childcare costs but I am very grateful for what we receive, and would hate to put my pil out.

Be hugely apologetic and hope to be forgiven. Your poor mil, it really isn't up to you to dictate which gcs they spend however much time with. No wonder she's upset

Crumbs?!

What I wouldn't give for 2 hours every week childcare, let alone 4-7!

You still sound ungrateful and entitled.

You're not 'owed' anything. You get a lot of help from your PILs, and you still don't seem to be grasping the fact that you alone ballsed up. You need to apologise unreservedly, and mean it. I'm not surprised your DH is livid.

I'm sure most of us have sent a text to the wrong person at some time, and we are all allowed to vent BUT you made a mistake by sending it to the wrong person and you need to accept your part in this rather than blaming others. It sounds like you are jealous of SIL and her finances/holidays, and I suspect this is the problem here rather than the childcare. You should be delighted that you get some child-free time and more importantly that your DC spend quality time with their GP.