to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

Yabu. You are the sole architect of this sorry mess. You need to apologise profusely to your mil pronto.

I don't think the fact Sil and bil are high fliers who can afford holidays and nursery means their children should miss out on a realistic with their GP!

Who exactly are the others you think are also at fault?

I'm not surprised your DH is livid. This is the type of thing that causes huge family rifts.

Drop the attitude, apologise to everyone concerned and be fucking grateful for the help you get. Your PIL are doing the best they can for both of their children given the circumstances.

Where do your parents figure in all of this, are they falling over themselves to help you out?

Knee, where does it say OP apologised? And, IMO, if OP had then she obviously didn't mean it.

There is a bit of a disconnect between the apology and 'confronting' MIL. I expect you went in defensively, which is why your apology sounded false OP.

Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms

gobbynorthernbird.

She said so in her OP.

I am curious who 'the others' who are to blame might be, and in what way ...

Do you think you are in the wrong, really?

GPs can never, however much they try and however much they want to, get an even, equal, fair balance between their DC when it comes to help and grandchildren. They just do their best to go where the perceived 'need' is.

And I am a little tempted to tell you that you're being entitled as I had no help from parents or in-laws at all.

I think you need to apologise big-time. Bottom line is, it's up to them who they help and how much and I should think they feel that all they've done for you has just been thrown back in their faces.

BTW who has the children when you go to work?

It's also clear the op isn't really sorry and thinks she has a point or she wouldn't have posted what she did.

My 5yo does this. Blames everyone else for something that is entirely his own fault and the excuses usually come down to petty jealousy or some perceived slight. We make allowances because he is 5 but if a grown adult behaved in a similar fashion... wow, I don't know how one would react to that.

Well, it was obviously a pretty insincere apology, judging by this thread.

It's nobody's fault, except the OP's, and only she can sort this out.

It seems to me that the OP is sorry for sending the text to the wrong person and the ensuing upset it caused, but that she still feels the same about the situation and that is what is coming across here.

Her upsetting her MIL/SIL doesn't mean she should suddenly stop feeling the way she does about the percieved inbalance and her not doing that doesn't mean she isn't sorry for upsetting them.

NannyOgg, the OP is a SAHM.

I'm sure IM not the only one thinking back to toddler and baby days, and wistfully thinking how lovely 4-7 hours of help a week would have been.

She is not a SAHM.

She is on maternity leave with two small children!

She is hardly a lady that lunches.

I had 2 with 16 months between them. I had no help. Ever. From my parents, my inlaws, the man in the moon. No one. Not even my husband, hence him being an ex

If someone had offered me 4-7 hours per week reliable childcare I would have kissed their shitty arse.

She is hardly a lady that lunches.

But with that amount of free childcare, she could be!

I'm afraid I'm another person who thinks that actually, you have little to complain about OP. I had two children in 18 months. I have no complaints about not having additional childcare nor even that it was, of course, hard work having two such small dcs. But if anyone had come along and offered me 7 hours of free childcare I'd have kissed their arses too.

Just want to point out that whoever did the sums got it wrong as they assumed OP gets the childcare 52 weeks of the year - they forgot to deduct the weeks the GPs aren't available because they're visiting their other grandchild.

It doesn't make that much difference to the sums, but it isn't every week.

Whilst she's on maternity leave she is a SAHM. She's not working.

But you chose to have a toddler and a baby, OP. They are your responsibility and yours alone. Your PILs are doing you a huge favour by taking them off you at all. And this text - which you should have kept to yourself, but we all make mistakes - is how you feel? Instead of being grateful that your PILs are helping you, you are complaining that they don't help you enough?

Sending the text was rude, ungrateful and misguided, but it was a mistake.But why on earth did you confront the poor MIL.Poor woman ! Trying to do her best by everybody.Just as they say-No good deed goes unpunished!

Probably more important than that Muddling is the fact that the op has two children and the other household only has one. So while a couple of weeks makes no odds, the fact it is double the work makes a huge difference and the op gets much, much more than the other family.

Looking after two children is really hard work. You need eyes in the back of your head and lightening reactions!

There is something wrong with the maths calculation, I think.

*You get:-
52 * 5.5 = 286 hours a year.

They get (assuming kids sleep for 10 hours a night and are ill for 10 days a year):-

2 98 + 10 10 = 296 hours a year*.

Doesn't OP get childcare for 2 children whereas SIL is getting it only for one.So Op is getting twice the free childcare

If it had gone to your friend like it was planned to (I've done that before, totally messed up a couple of texts and dropped myself in it) she would have taken it how it was meant, just a rant. No one would be any wiser and no one would be thinking you're ungrateful which you're probably not when you're not feeling frustrated.

I know what it's like to see parents prioritising your DNs, I had both sides doing it with XP working away and totally desperate for a break, Mum said she could fit me in about 4 or 5 weeks away next time she hadn't promised to my SIL. I wasn't one to want to send my children away, it was very unusual for me to not have them, especially to beg for someone to give me a break but those times when I needed help I felt abandoned.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're going to have to do a lot of grovelling now and everyone else will be being hard on you so don't do it yourself too.

Knee, I read that as she'd tried to apologise to SIL, then confronted (odd word to use) MIL.

I agree with PP who said you are a SAHM whilst on mat leave. I'd give anything for a 'free' hour a month, let alone seven a week. You're only sorry you got caught out by sending the text to the wrong person. If you had sent it to the right person you would still be in your resentful little bubble. Yabu and are lucky PILs haven't withdrawn all fixed childcare arrangements. Your poor MIL sounds lovely and must be so gutted to think she's letting you down because you've told someone you're being hard done by. But it's your MIL that's been doing all the running trying to help two families stay afloat. Sorry for the long post but your OP just stinks of selfishness.