to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

Wow, so you can get on some occasions virtually a full working day off a week courtesy of GPs and that's not enough? Entitled. You chose to have children, you have to look after them.

You are hilariously entitled.

you sound very jealous of the fact that your SIL can afford nice holidays. Have you considered finding a well-paid job so that you can do the same? You'll do long hours, plus possibly a long commute. You won't see your children much but hey! 2 weeks in the sun makes up for that, doesn't it. Give it a try

I'm sorry but your poor PIILs in all this, they give you seven hours a week, they give SIL holidays. They are all round good people helping out, but they get slated for not doing enough for you!

Let's be honest it's not that you think it's unfair, you don't think they should do less for SIL you think they should do MORE for you. What about PIL having sometime for hobbies and enjoying their retirement?

The only child free time you get is when they have the GC, I suggest you speak to your OH about that, perhaps he could give you some time?

You should like a totally discontented mother, you need to understand that you decided to have DCS, you presumably planned to be a SAHM (I would have loved that opportunity), so when you took on the role you must have had an idea of the job spec.

I think you ABVU, your poor PIL in all this.

comparison is the thief of joy, so they say.

Why does there need to be a balance anyway?

What is wrong with a gp looking after for one child more than the other? my mum looks after one of her gc more than mine because the parents both work and sometimes they need her to cover child care. I couldn't care less. She loves them all the same but I am a SAHM and I don't need child care like my brother sometimes does.

Same for my mil. She looks after her bil/sil's children twice a week to help them with child care expenses. I don't get why I should care, she is great with my children, helps out when she can but bil/sil needs her help more.

I don't expect anyone to help with the children I chose to have. As long as they are all loved the same what is the problem?

You get time off, something I rarely get with five children. Be grateful for what you get. You don't need child care, sure it is lovely to get a break but they don't owe you it.

my bil/sil not her* Typos galore.

So in short,

My PIL are great they have my children every week and I get free time..,...,, but they are not great enough!

And everything was alright until she was crying down the phone to my OH,......not without justification.

Just imagine how she feels, it's give give give by them and still it's not enough!

Sorry rant now over, but I suggest that you buy flowers and grovel and be a bit more thankful for what you have.

I know you don't need more people telling you, you fucked up majorly! But I am cringing on your behalf and I hope you now realise how lucky you are. I don't have any in-laws or parents to lookafter my children, and I have to clean the house with them all under my feet most days. You're right, it is hard work. DzfcccccdsswqSs

Don't think OP is coming back.

Epic fail on so many levels.

God only knows what I'd do in your situation. I am cringing for you as we all rant to friends via messages. I'd probably let the dust settle for a few days then visit both sil and mil separately bearing gifts and explain myself.

A full explanation about how you felt and that you were jealous but since then you realise you have thought long & hard and know you were unreasonable in what you wrote.

Let's face it if you didn't like pil and didn't want the kids to see them you wouldn't of been upset in the first place? I think this is jealously towards sil/bil rather than a pil issue but I did give up trying to work out what goes on in peoples heads years ago.

Just going on your op alone; you certainly are the main player in this scenario... Why on earth did you confront your MIL?
Why do you still think the mess is not all of your doing?????

I've not read beyond the first page but if you get 4-7 hours a week and say 47 weeks a year (maybe they don't do every week) divide that by 8 hours for example in a day to signify a day a childcare you're getting 23-41 days a year - far more than your SIL I'm sure even taking into account 2 two-week holidays and maybe sick care for the GC.

Tough that you can't take a similar holiday. Don't blur that with the PIL not being able to give you childcare for a holiday as your SIL/BIL are taking up their time - you can't afford one anyway.

PIL sound like they're trying to meeting the needs of both sets of grandchildren. With them being closer to you long term they'll be more help to your family if you work and can't pick kids up from school.

Just to point out as well that I don't know how old the "other" GC is, but it's likely that looking after one older child is actually far less "work" than a baby and a toddler.

Sorry Amy Mumsnet but I think most of the posters on this thread aresupporting parents in voicing their opinions about this OP; the poor PILs for one!

I think you made a huge mistake and now you need to take responsibility for it and attempt to make amends.

I've been in your SIL's position. Receiving an email about how she needed the childcare more than I did. I asked for 1 days help as I was working and My childminder gave me 6 weeks notice of her day off. SIL had become used to having a free choice and she wanted the one day I needed.

This sort of behaviour led to a no contact for 5 years between me and her and she knows I will withdraw any contact should she overstep the mark again.

You really do need to think carefully before confronting people. Your MIL is upset too and probably managed not to fight with you over it, but has probably spoken to your SIL and is now upset.

You would probably be best sitting down with dh to work out a plan.

OP who's fault do you think it is and why?

If they are both real "high fliers" I would assume they both work longish hours and have only the average amount of holidays. If they have 2 adult only holidays (am guessing a week each?) how much time do they actually spend with their children? Seems a bit odd unless it was just a couple of weekends away.

OP, if you would rather have 2 entirely child free weeks a year (like the BIL and SIL) rather than 4-7 hours a week (as you get) - have you ever suggested this?

I'm leaving out the emergency nursery cover when ILs DC are sick because that's not comparable - it is to enable ILs to work not to give them time off. Once you go back to work, they may do the same for you I'd guess?

I reckon the GPs might happily switch to 2 blocks of a week a year, rather than a regular slot of 4-7 hours a week, if you asked. (once you've apologised and patched things up obv).

but is that what you want?

I had my parents help me for 5 days. Yes days and my sil got cross about it as she perceived it wasn't fair. It was 5 days so I could work overtime as we so so needed the money.

I have never looked at her the same way since. I've tried, but even though it was years ago it riles me.

Suggest you get equal childcare once you're back at work, admit you knew you were being a bit unreasonable (hence text meant to go to friend not SIL) and grovel.

I'm a bit amazed at your childcare tbh. We have no relatives able to provide anything, and DH is the only manager at his place of work, so really cannot take unscheduled time off. Yesterday I was so ill I was worried about dropping newborn DD, and just about managed to look after todder DS (mostly from the sofa, as standing up made me want to pass out/puke/throw my head out of the window). There was no family to call, I couldn't even get DH home from work. If I'd got much worse I'd have had to disrupt a friend's day to ask for help. You're so lucky to have anything at all.

OP - This is exactly the reason why I don't keep my SIL number on my mobile.

It could be worse OP, ten years ago I was a single mum with four kids and working full time in London. Three of my children were in full time school and the smallest was in pre-school/nursery. My narc mother lives a five minute walk away and the school is half-way between our houses.

No childminder could take all four, day nursery (we only have one here) was full so I asked my mum to help me out term time. I used Barracuda clubs in school holidays.

She declined, would not even do one day or just afternoon pick ups. Would not even help me out when they were off sick. I ended up getting a nanny. Outright refused to help me out in anyway.

Roll forward four years, GC Brother and Narc SIL have their first child and she returns to work three months later. Narc Mother had the baby full time,they then had another 2 years later and she child minded again. Eleven years later she still has them three or four times a week.

She has not helped me or even babysat for me ever.

Meh.........

Grandparents can do what they choose with their time. You can choose to feel miffed but that will take more energy over time than you can probably afford to lose...

Suck it up. Apologise. Apologise. Apologise.

And you lost any ground high or otherwise you ever had. Gonna have to work hard to earn it back.

Best of luck Xmas day.....

I don't think you realise how very lucky you were

Apologise