to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

How on earth can you say it's unbalanced when they're looking after your TWO children once a week, versus one child every few weeks in the other family.

And how can you resent them not doing childcare for holidays you can't afford to take?

And why isn't your DH giving you child free time on the weekends?

I can totally understand why you are resentful at your situation but you are unhappy with the wrong people and really getting this one wrong, I'm sorry.

YABU - they live 100 miles away, it's not like your ILs can just pop there for 4-7 hours and rush back to make sure it's even. You need to do some MAJOR sucking up.

YABU. Even 4 hours a week childcare for you to have as free time is a luxury. You don't know how lucky you are.

Not that it's a competition but I've not had 4 hours this YEAR - and I'm sure that's the case for many people. When do you think I get to clean the house??

I don't think you answered the question about whether you've actually asked for the time off?

OP, how are you coping generally with looking after 2 very young DCs full time at home? It is very hard and relentless. It can become gruelling at times.

You might be a little bit fed up of life at the moment, which can make you naturally look towards other people you think have it better.

This can lead to feelings of jealousy, which I think is the root cause of this.

once you go back to work and as your kids get a bit older, life will hopefully be easier and you'll look back at this and wonder why on earth you ever thought such a thing.

As for dealing with the aftermath of the text, I agree with other posters that you need to profusely apology to PILs and SIL .

As others have said, you seem to be receiving similar amounts of free child care albeit the child care is structured differently.

So my question is what free child care arrangements would you find fairer?

One of your complaints seems to be that you don’t have any time to yourself. Why don't you speak to your husband and your parents and ask for help with childcare so that you can have time to do something just for yourself?

As for not being able to go away, hotels frequently offer one night deals during quiet times in the season so why don’t you search for such a deal and see if your PIL will have the children for one night?

Oh my OP, I dont think that you could have made this worse if you had worked on it for a fortnight.

You need to get out of your 'woe is me' mindset and think of this from your SiL and MiL's perspectives:

For your SiL
She received a complete snotagram. Quite possibly she will have quickly worked out that it wasnt meant for her eyes but in a way that makes it worse. These are the things you are thinking about her.

Re-read your text and imagine what it would be like to have those types of things said about you.

For your MiL
She has believed that she was giving you much needed help. Instead you have thrown it back in her face saying it wasnt good enough.

You are not going to get over this easily. This is not something where a bunch of flowers will make it all better. Sometimes saying 'sorry' isnt enough. You are going to have to go through a period where your DH, SiL & Mil really dont like you very much. You are going to have to not just say sorry but also be sorry.

I've been here op, grimacing politely whilst bro in law and gf swan of very expensive holidays which DN is never taken, the only time theyve ever taken my ds for a week is when I was in labour with DS 2. .....I think personally the attempt to treat gc equally is the most vital thing a grandparent has to do, so i understand your annoyance...if they cant do much so be it, but if more is lavished on other gc I wouldn't ignore it either.

i will clarify though you get a lot more child free time than me, and could have been handled better, have you ever had this conversation before i.e asking for holiday childcare?

It sounds pretty equal to me. It also sounds like you have amazing inlaws who are doing everything they can for their grandchildren. I think this will only be sorted out when you admit this is all your own doing and apologise.

Blimey, do you know how many regular free childcare hours I get each week with a healthy retired mother living ten minutes away ..zero.
She has never had my DC overnight and DS1 is 12.
Housework etc. is done as and when around the kids.

My SIL lives next door to PIL and her DC have free childcare on tap, week in week out. Would I swap with her to meet the caring expectations of PIL as they get old and frail, no way!
Be thankful for what you have, and careful what you wish for.

I have to say yabu! You sent a horrible text to your sil.you are solely responsible.

I know you don't think it's the point but my god you are so lucky !! I have 3 dc and none of their grandparents have ever provided me with any significant help, even when I was in the hozzy having subsequent dc the grandparents didn't provide childcare!

I pay for a day off a week nursery now ( well I suppose dh does as I don't work! ) and I can tell you I never use it for cleaning.. I find I am much less resentful in general if I use the time to treat myself even if only to a walk, a quiet coffee with a friend or an exercise class.

With 3 dc I manage to get the cleaning done mostly during nap times( I don't deep clean but our house always looks clean as I keep it tidy so go quickly wipe Hoover and mop when I get 45 mins peace and stick to doing it the same day each week so it doesn't get left. ) If I were you I would look at how you use your time off and reorganise so that you fit household tasks into everyday routine and don't then build them up into something massive. Most people manage to do it all without 4 or 7 hours child free time. Internet grocery shopping would be my first suggestion

Yabu. You have caused this. You need to eat a huge slice of humble pie. Apologise all round.
Do u understand how hard it must be for mil to have a gc 100s of miles away. I'm sure all you had to do was ask pil if u wanted to have your dc stay over or go for a wkend away.

I think you know you are completely wrong and posted here to try and make yourself feel better

Its frustrating if you feel hard done by (altho others have eloquently shown that you aren't really, but if you feel you are then you no-one else can change your feelings) but, accidentally or not, you have caused a rift in your DH's family and should be hugely apologetic to everyone - including your DH.

If you can't clean your house in the 4-7 hours pw childcare then you have problems and should maybe get a cleaner/look on the Good Housekeeping topic for help.

How tiring do you think your 'D'PiLs feel providing care for your baby & toddler, compared with your (presumably older, or at least singleton) child?

How much childcare do you think you'll get now?

How resentful do you think your 'D'PiLs will feel if they provide any childcare in future? If I was them I'd worry each time that it wasn't good enough/long enough etc etc and this worry will turn into frustration and anger.

In your position, rightly or wrongly, I'd claim PND (apologies to anyone suffering) - explain to all you've been to the Doctor as the situation has made you realise how stressed you are/ how you're not coping, as your text and ingratitude was so out of character and you don't know why you said it as you are grateful and realise what they do for BiL/SiL is none of your concern. ... and you are very, very, very, very sorry.

Its the only way I can see that you'll get out of this with any good relationships left intact.

I don't really understand the mindset here. Grandparents are surely allowed to spend their time however they like. Why do they need to divide their time up evenly, or indeed to provide any childcare at all, let alone on a regular basis? My parents helped us out when we needed it, as they did for my siblings and their children. I never felt the need to add up the hours and compare that just seems enormously ungrateful.

Plus looking after a baby and toddler is yes exhausting, very different to just looking after one nursery aged child. That applies to the PIL too!

So yes OP you are the architect of this mess, and so long as you think that your PIL 'owe you' you will not be able to resolve the situation.

I think YABU sorry. In a situation where one set of parents are both working and in another, only one parent is I don't think it's fair to expect equal amounts of childcare from grandparents. Well, actually, I don't think it's fair to expect childcare from them in either situation (have seen too many wornout GP's who utterly resent it) but I can see why your in-laws might feel that your SiL is more in need of help when GC gets sick etc.

All that said though, my BiL and SiL have received years of free childcare for their 3 children from my mil/fil, including international moves. It's very common in DH's culture as is taking care of the elderly in the family home. I have never minded the unequal childcare but it has been on my mind a bit that I probably would resent it if the bulk of aged care fell by default to me as the wife of the eldest son. I do hope the two of them will do the bulk of any necessary aged care when the time comes ...

You absolutely are the sole architect of this mess, no doubt about that.

I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms.

So you actually told her that you felt hard done by and she appears to have been conciliatory and dignified towards you in return?

They sound like fab GP's trying their best to spread themselves around as evenly as possible and you've been pissy and jealous .

A huge apology is the least you can offer, flowers would be nice and yhe realisation that you are getting a huge favour from them.

Nope, definitely all you being entitled. You need to do some serious apologising.

I think the huge elephant in the room here is that this isn't "childcare" we're talking about, it's some little children's relationship with their grandparents! It shouldn't be about you getting time to yourself, it should be about you facilitating an important relationship and doing the best for your children. I think it's really insulting to the grandparents/ grandchildren when you make this about you. Although you do sound like you need more support, and I sympathise. I found the baby and toddler but the hardest thing I have ever done, and can empathise with the outrage you feel about spending the only time without your kids on housework. It is enough to
Make you depressed. Which is why I think the suggestion up thread of PND isn't wide if the mark. You might benefit from looking at yourself rather than being angry at others and taking some positive steps to combat depression. Can you get more excersize? More fresh air? See more friends? Access some support groups? Eat better food? Drink more water? Do something you like atleast once a week? And if all that sounds impossible then it suggests you really are depressed and a trip to the GP's or health visitor may be in order. You gave behaved unreasonably, this is probably out of character, so you need to look at why and try to help yourself. Good luck x

Well OP, I think you've got every right to feel annoyed. I would be really hurt if my parents offered a disproportionate amount of support to my sibling and to me. Ditto PIL. Why everyone thinks you have no right to expect to be treated equally, I don't know - I notice on here a lot that it is considered wrong to have any expectations of help at all from family members. But in my opinion, if you love someone, you help them. Presumably they love both of their children and all of their grandchildren equally - so why wouldn't they help them all equally?
It's a curious thing about the internet I think, because in real life, everyone I know (as far as I can imagine) would think you had a good point.

Lovely look upthread to see the maths that shows that the OP's PILs do not spread the tome disproportionately. TTFT, why don't you?

Agh - the text thing is grim, it's really bad luck, but try to get on their good side again, no matter what it takes.

I do understand the feeling of resentment - but even if there is a discrepancy it isn't too bad. My sister lives near my parents and they do LOADS of childcare free for her - several days a week, including one overnight shift - and she has always been able to have child free nights out, nights away (eg for anniversaries), also spends lots of the week at their house being cooked for and so on. Because I live further away, my parents have never once looked after my DC without me being there in the room as well. Total of childcare help: zero. It feels ruddy awful that my sister is so indulged and they don't make any effort either to address or even notice the discrepancy. (Sister is the recipient of longstanding favouritism in both financial terms and attention, but the childcare thing is really noticeable.) I have never spent more than a few hours (at work) away from my DC, and DH has always looked after them when I'm not there - since birth DH and I have had the sum total of THREE HOURS on our own without DC. (I had/have serious PND and stressful job; sister has neither.) And my parents' blithe acceptance of the situation (and that I don't deserve any help) gives me so much rage and resentment I can't tell you.

Your situation might at the most be a bit unbalanced. But it isn't too bad an imbalance even so - just suck it up as much as you can so that MIL will continue helping you.

Even if it was unequal, it's none of your business how they choose to help. You're not children sharing a cake, you are grown ups with your own lives, grandparents included.

Hope the grovelling works. :o

Really lovely?!

OP has inlaws who provide a lot of free childcare out of kindness and love rather than necessity, she has a hissy fit because she thinks someone is getting something that she isn't (but is actually wrong), she sends a nasty ranting message to the wrong person, which upsets the other person, she 'confronts' the inlaws about the situation, inlaws hold it together but are actually very upset about it.

Who (with the exception of the op) has done anything wrong here?

Lovely your interpretation of the OP's post is way off kilter with mine and plenty of others , it would seem..