to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

If you go steaming in saying "oh and by the way, SIL and BIL, you need to reassess your careers"..,. you will sound like an absolute tool.

Wow!

Thats an awful lot of assumptions Cate - shirking their responsibilities!? So now the OP is doing a public service by saving the poor children whilst she struggles with the demands of being a SAHP.

Trying hard not to turn this into a SAHP / working parent debate but I can't read your post without pointing out that it is so twisted and emotionally loaded its unreal.

Cate - your arguments fall on the arse when you re-read the OP and realise she's on maternity leave and therefore the inference in that is that will be going back to work. Just like her SIL goes to work.

I think the problem you have is that you do not get enough time to yourself and have lost your tether. I suggest explaining this to DH and getting some paid for childcare to supplement what PIL provide. Then you can explain this 'breakdown' to PIL in those terms and apologise.

I love these threads. The entitlement of some people blows my mind.

Cate funniest post I've seen in MN in a long time.

You know nothing about the other GC or her parents.

CateBlanket

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Really, words fail me...

cate excellent. just excellent.
Please give us some more words of wisdom as that was the best thing I've read in a long time.

Not interested in SAHP/WOHP debate as I've been both and prefer to be supportive of parents - as is the ethos of MN.

Agree it would be interesting to hear SIL's POV - this might even be a reverse AIBU!

Doesn't really sound that way Cate...maybe worth reflecting if you think you are being supportive of parents.

If the OP needs a break, then the person she needs to ask for that is her children's father. And not expect her PIL to do what he should be doing.

Or lower her housekeeping standards and use the 4-7 hours every week that PIL keep the children to have the break you say she needs.

The appropriate response is not a dog in the manger "she gets more than me" rant.

OP - you are on mat leave now, but you aren't going into the office when your PIL are giving you free childcare, you are just having time off. Your SIL, on the other hand, has free childcare when her child is sick so she can still go to work, she's not getting time off from it.

The 2 holidays are time off for your SIL, but put against the weekly 4-7 hours you get, she's getting a lot less 'childfree' time provided by the PIL than you are. Even if you spend it cleaning, that's only meaningthat you don't have to do it at the weekends/evenings when your DH isn't at work - so 'buying back' that time as free time.

You also have to discount the time they go to visit SIL, that's not childcare, that's hosting your parents - very different, and you can see from the various christmas threads, quite hard work even if you love them very much!

If you are going back to work after mat leave, you need to grovel like mad with both your SIL and PIL - you will need to have a similar deal as your SIL as when your DCs are sick you'll need them to cover care at short notice (assuming you aren't hoping they will provide the regular care).

"I confronted MIL about the situation."

So after the ranty text went to the wrong person, you then "confronted" your MIL.

What with exactly??

I've been both and prefer to be supportive of parents

That REALLY doesn't come across in your post about how the children being in nursery 'isn't ideal' and BIL and SIL are 'shirking their parental responsibilities' by working. Given that all we know about these people are what the OP has told us whilst trying to blame them for her own huge faux pas, I can't see how it is in any way supportive to condemn them.

Cate - genuine question (from a SAHM) if you aren't a single parent, why would being a SAHM be 'relentless'? DH is home to help out in the evenings, he's currently taking my 2 to soft play (god help him!), he's out tomorrow but that's not normal, sundays he normally would take the morning to go for a bike ride then be back for lunch and spend the afternoon as a family. I don't need outsiders to give me a 'break' because DH pulls his weight.

If you're in a marriage where effectively you need the PIL to take on the parenting responsibilities of their son, then the problem is with the DH who doesn't pull his weight, not with the amount the PIL are able to give.

We'll never find out what she confronted her MIL with, or who else is to blame, as I don't think this thread went quite the way the OP thought it would.

Not so much an 'AIBU' as a 'validate my self-righteous sense of indignation'...

Agree that you need to spend those precious few hours doing something for yourself. That is how sil has chosen to spend her allocation. Just in one block rather than spread out.

I think sickness cover should be discounted as that is a necessary emergency evil and is no fun for everyone.

Pils sound lovely. I think they will forgive you eventually if you really are sorry. You need to let them see you are upset about what has happened.

A few tears even, and a confession that you are struggling to cope, but that you know that this will pass as it is just a hard stage the kids are at, and you realise that what you said to sil was unfair and unjust and a result of a really hard day. Then let them know how much you appreciate what they already do. Say that if it wasn't for this, you think you might really have gone under before now. They have probably saved your sanity so to speak. So you are incredibly grateful and so sorry that your struggling has caused all this.

I would say yanbu if pils NEVER looked after your DC or at least very rarely did and still gave SIL and BIL all of this childcare. However the way it works out it is actually pretty equal, just in different measures so there's barely any inequality at all.

Yabvvvvvu! Much like many other posters I barely get any childcare from my parents and DH's live the other side of the world so we're on our own. 7 hours a week sounds like heaven. It's YOUR choice to spend those seven hours catching up on housework, most of us are pretty capable of doing chores around small children (not that it's a competition or anything but I had three DC in the space of two and a half years, I've always managed to keep up with the housework...) So if I were you (and if Pils actually still want to help you out after this fiasco!) I'd do the chores when DC are there and spend the 4-7 weekly hours doing something for yourself for a change.

Poor PIL's, they're clearly trying their best. I don't think there's any particular favouritism here at all, I bet MIL is feeling utterly gutted. You have some major grovelling to do and yes, you are the sole architect of this. Good luck!

Hi folks,

Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Can we just talk a quick moment to remind you that the aim of Mumsnet is to provide support for parents, and while you might not always agree with an OP, we'd be grateful if you could bear it in mind when posting.

Poor bloody PiL. 200+ hours free childcare a year per set of grandchildren and its still not good enough. Maybe you should insist they clock on/off with you and your SiL so you can ensure parity?

I feel for you, sending a text to the wrong person is awful. That said, you are definitely in the wrong here, and trying to say otherwise is only going to make the situation worse.

I get how hard it is to see your ils getting to work and have nice things and nice holidays when you can't. I really think though, you should think about this a bit more.

Yes, they get more emergency childcare but- your dcs have a regular arrangement which I can assure you is better for them and more stable.

Yes, your ils get time away from them that does not involve housework but- you could do that too, but are choosing to use your time to do things that are making life better for your family, and that it something to be proud of It must be hard to be on ML, having been used to working and getting that chance to socialise without kids, but believe me you will miss those days when you go back to work. You won't miss the chaos and the extra chores, but you are getting the chance to spend some real time with your dcs, something that your ils aren't doing for theirs (and I can tell you, it is very likely that sil is jealous of you in that respect!). Is dh helping you with the housework? If not, why not? It's not just your responsibility, you are doing the childcare to enable him to work but the house is something to be split equally.

Yes, ils get a couple child free holidays but- would you really want to leave your babies for a week? How do you think that would make things better for anyone? Everyone needs a break but you can bet that DN is the one missing out here, not you. Having been that kid with the parents that swanned off regularly, it really isn't that nice. Your pils are lovely to be trying to make that as painless as possible for DN. Seriously.

You really need to clear the air. As it's been explained, you are likely getting just as much childcare as they are, just in a different way. Please don't be jealous of them. Think of your poor DN who is the one that is really losing out here. And read these replies! Some of them are harsh, but if you do a bit of soul searching you will realise how good you've got it, and how actually, your pils are being incredibly supportive and in all honesty I think you need to thank them for that. Think about it, then apologise again and let them know that you understand what you did and take the blame with your head held high. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when dcs are small, and if you are feeling like you need more support then you must tell someone, but honey, make that someone dh or a doctor, your pils are doing their best just like you

I've only got to the end of page 1 but I can see an imbalance. Your PIL give you a day's peace and quiet nearly every week of the year, let's say 50 days a year for rounding purposes. Or 25 days if it's half days. Your SIL has taken 2 child free holidays, i'm assuming a week at a time because people only get 25-30 days if they are lucky and you say they took a 3rd holiday with their child, so 14 days childcare at a push (albeit overnight) and then emergency childcare because GC was ill. Hmmm. You are getting quite a good deal. My DF has only ever had my kids once - overnight from 6pm to 9am. My ILs have been great and occasionally stay at ours to cover school holidays whilst we work - also in demanding full time jobs. You already have a sweet deal a lot of parents would give their riggt arm for. Get a grip!

Ps my kids are 9 and nearly 7 to put my post in context

Yabu, OP, but I do think that you sound under tremendous strain and perhaps that has affected your judgment. You don't say how much your DH does to support you - perhaps he could do the housework or take the DC when he's free so you can do it then. you need to plan regular rest and you time, and your DH needs to support that.

That said, you do need to massively apologise to your PIL who haven't done anything to deserve your anger, and to your SIL who is probably feeling as much strain as you are, albeit differently,

Cate - 'won't somebody think of the children' - Blanket - Whatevs!

OP - you are indeed the only architect of the whole sorry mess I'm afraid.
You need to eat a massive amount of humble pie and apologise to all concerned; explain you were having a bit of a tantrum as you are so fed up with stuff and apologise (and mean it!).

Tomorrow is another day, and it will all blow over - but only if you swallow your pride and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

for you because we all have tantrummy, foot stamping moments at times if we're honest - very few people are truly reasonable angels all the time!