to think that I am not the lone architect of this sorry mess

[fluffforbrains]

I am not snow white in this story, but I think there are also others at fault.

We have a few hours of help from PIL every week with our DC. Usually ranges between 4-7 hours. This is the only completely child free time I get and is usually spent trying to keep on top of the housework.

PIL have another GC who lives about 100miles away. GCs parents are really high fliers and both have amazing careers. GC is in nursery full time, so PILs go down every few weeks to spend time with GC over a few days.

In the past year the GCs parents have enjoyed 2 adult holidays away where childcare was provided by PILs (they actually had 3 hols in total). PILs have also generously provided emergency sickness care as and when required, taking GC for a number of days at a time, sometimes this has meant that we have gone without our usual childcare. Recently GC required 5 days of care, shortly after they had had GC for sickness cover. I was asked to bring DC round to play with GC on usual day which was fine. I realised PIL would be tired so I would probably get a shorter time than normal, and was asked to fetch DC back in 2 hours.

We have never had more than one night away from our DC, a holiday as a couple seems unobtainable both financially and from a childcare perspective.

At this point I got a bit fed up and sent quite an angry ranting text to a close friend about how unbalanced the situation was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, heaven only knows I need it, I was fed up with having a few hours here, a few hours there when they were getting several days at a time. Trouble is, it went to the wrong person. It went to the GCs parent. Stupid I know. This has caused a big problem. SIL understandibly got very upset and sent me some very emotionally charged messages. I tried to apologise. I confronted MIL about the situation. She could tell I was quite stressed and took it reasonably better than anticipated and we appeared to leave on good terms. That was until DH went mad at me saying that she'd been crying down the phone at him and is devastated. Apparently she believes we get equal amounts. DH believes I have caused a family rift and is livid with me. We are meant to be spending Christmas with them and now I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea.

I realise it was a terrible thing to send the message, and really feel bad about it as I genuinely do like all parties involved. But part of me can't help but think its a situation which has come from months of what felt like priority treatment towards other GC. AIBU?

Agree with everyone else in that you need to apologise profusely regarding this.

I have two DC 13 months apart and am a SAHM. My parents are wonderful, but, thinking about it, my sister has had significantly more childcare than me as she works (out of the home) and has the eldest grandchild.

I just wouldn't occur to me to be cross about this or think things need "levelled up". I'm sorry to say, but this reminds me of working with someone who moaned about how much time her parents we're spending with her sister, so selfish etc. we then found out that this sister had terminal cancer.....

OP - I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. I can sympathise. Im in almost the exact same situation except I get no childcare at all but siblings get lots. I understand your
need to vent. I agree with whoever it was who said to text "I was having a hard day. I made a huge mistake". Short simple and to the point. They already know your main issues so don't bring it up again.
I do think your mil and dh are both overreacting a bit. If they let a very obvious mistake cause a 'rift' then they need to get over themselves.

I agree with the poster up thread a bit who said to say

I do think your mil and dh are both overreacting a bit. If they let a very obvious mistake cause a 'rift' then they need to get over themselves.

It's not the mistake that's going to cause a rift.

It's the content of the text.

The fact the OP feels her PILs aren't doing enough for her, when they're already doing so much.

To suggest they need to get over themselves with regards to the text going to the wrong person, is missing the point here entirely.

Plead tired insanity. I was a bit off (insane) with sleep deprivation after ds2. I'm afraid it can be hard to get pil to take two young children. It will get a bit easier. From my own experience pil were much better when dc got to 3+. Tbh wouldn't expect my own parents or pil to have a baby and toddler for more than an hour. Build some bridges with pil, perhaps some days out. Think u compounded situation by confronting mil but again plead tired insanity.

It's not the 'mistake' that's caused the rift though, is it? It's the discovery that while these GPs were providing the OP with many hours of child care each week, it turns out she was secretly resentful over a (real or perceived) imbalance and opted to discuss this in unpleasant terms with someone outside the situation (but wasn't careful enough when sending the message, thereby creating this 'mess')

It's the attitude, not the mistake, that has created bad feeling. And the OP doesn't want to accept that she is the sole architect of this mess, she seems determined that some of the other parties involved are also responsible for what happened.

Apologise, apologise, apologise!

I think it's often easy to feel hard done by & I don't think you should be judged on that, however you really are incredibly lucky to get any free childcare or time to yourself (even if it is to do the housework). I get absolutely none, am a single mum, work full time & am a carer.

As others have said, send flowers, apologise & hopefully you can all move on from this.

P.s. I feel very sorry for you over the text! Ouch! I've done similar in the past & it is genuinely the worst gut wrenching feeling ever when you realise what you've done

MIL and DH are over reacting?

I think MIL has been incredibly kind, gracious and generous. She seems to have done nothing but be there for her grandkids and has then been told (in a nasty underhand way) that she is not doing enough. When the OP 'confronted' her about it, she reacted very calmly but got upset afterwards - i really feel for her

I also agree with the sentiment that your parent in laws are saints for taking two ! When mine were a baby and a toddler I never expected anyone to take them as far too much hard work!

The fact that there are two of yours more than makes up for any percieved indifference. 4-7 hours a week taking a baby and a toddler is is amazing !

Yy to what Worra said.

If op had accidentally texted "had an arse of a day, kids driving me mad", there would be no issue. It's what the text actually said which is the problem.

And op's attitude following it.

I was all set to type yabu and agree with everyone else that you need to apologise massively. It really does sound to me that you have the better deal child care wise. I actually thought you had more tbh with a regular every week thing until I saw the maths and it looks pretty even.
I'm now thinking that you do sound stressed and not thinking straight. You sound like you are struggling a bit and looking for something/someone to blame. If you just had more help from gps then you'd feel more in control type thing. I too am wondering about pnd. Could you have a chat to your husband about how you are feeling and see if he can support you more until you feel more in control? Maybe go see the doctor if you think you need more help?

I agree with most previous posters. YABU. I recently put my two yr old in paid childcare for three hours per week because I realised I had not been out without a child with me since ds1 was born (4.5yrs ago), I also haven't had a full nights sleep since ds2 was born. I have no family near by. We have never been on holiday at all. I'm not complaining just pointing out that you have it better than some. Be grateful for what you do get.
I do sympathise, that first year with a high needs baby and a toddler (and having just moved to new area so had no friends) was really really tough. I couldn't go through it again but it gets easier and you learn how to cope.
I actually don't think it sounds unbalanced either, your sil/bil are paying for most of their childcare and live 100 miles away!
You need to apologise.

I really feel for the grandparents. They have been helping you out to have it thrown in their face. I have read and reread your OP and can only see it as your fault. Grovel and then grovel some more.

Your PIL sound wonderful by the way. I'm not surprised mil is upset.

If you're on maternity leave your youngest must be quite small still. You were/are out of line, but you also come across a little frazzled. Are you struggling a bit?

Sorry OP but YABVU. Your IL's do not owe you "free time", but they are providing it regularly so the real benefit as I would see it is that your DC are seeing them regularly and building solid relationships with them, which is a wonderful thing. You only have to read threads on here to see how many would love GP's to be involved with the DC.

Your DC are the responsibility of you and your DP, not your IL's. Half an hour a week to drink a cup of tea in peace is a bonus when you have young children, let alone 4-7 hours! If you are resentful for not getting "me" time take that issue up with your DP, not IL's/SIL.

I can see why everyone is horrified. You need to apologize to both your IL/PIL's and tell them how grateful you are for their help and support. I can imagine your SIL posting a thread about how entitled her non-working (at the moment) SIL feels for her parents time!

And it does seem that you have a lot of resentment towards B/SIL for their "success".

Oh and please don't blame it on PND as suggested, unless you actually are dealing with PND.

I do feel really sorry for you OP because you did not mean to discuss this with your inlaws at all, it was a mistake.
I have done the same thing, ranting about inlaws to a friend via email...

Except I accidentally emailed it to my inlaws!
So I know how you feel.
Major grovelling is required and flowers I am afraid.

I agree that your PIL sound amazing. They do childcare regularly for all their grandchildren.

I think you have been very unreasonable, but I'm sure you know that by now.

It sounds like you need to get a cleaner to help you with the housework. Your children are still very small and it sounds like you are struggling a bit. That said, 4-7 hours a week - really? Does your dh do his fair share at weekends and in the evenings?

I also think that once you have grovelled appropriately to your MIL and SIL for being judgemental and ungrateful (there's not nice way of saying that to you!), that you need to start using some of your "child-free" time to do something for yourself like a swim, lunch with a friend, have a bath, read a book etc. etc. so that you feel less resentful of the way your SIL's family use their "child-free" time.

I wouldn't care about you sending the message to me.But my God if you then contacted my mother and made her cry,you'd have hell to pay believe me!
I lost my Mum this year and I still don't speak to my oldest so called brother because of the way he treated my Mum and I never will again!

My parents were younger when my brothers had they're children and my parents did loads for them,days out/holidays/collected them from school/cooked they're dinners everything.

My children never got any of this as there's a 15 year age gap between me and the boys(I'm the youngest)I did everything on my own.Even when I was a single Mum to 4DC ill,working,studying and volunteering with a charity.

But my parents had a far closer relationship to my children,my DH and myself because they were appreciated by us and they got to be grandparents to our children not unpaid staff!
I'm so glad I never took my parents for granted and I don't take my MIL and FIL for granted neither.

You never know what's round the corner you really need to apologize to your poor MIl and your SIL and DH.

If your struggling make your DH help more,they're his children as well and it's his house and mess also.

Sympathetic post for you here, OP

Your SIL and BIL need to have a look at the impact their highflying careers are having on their DC. The DC are in nursery full-time all year round which isn't ideal; they're getting sick quite a bit and, instead of having mummy and daddy look after them, the grandparents are having to step in. In addition, they're having to provide post-illness TLC. Fine in genuine emergencies but SIL and BIL seem to be shirking their parental responsibilities quite frequently.

Being a SAHM can be relentless and you do need a break. It can't be compared to working full-time in an interesting job because the latter involves mixing with other people and doing something stimulating whilst someone else does the drudge work of looking after, feeding, entertaining the kids for the vast majority of the day.

I can understand you needing the break your lovely PIL provide and the upset it causes when you lose out. Don't go grovelling to anyone; the text was a genuine mistake. Apologise to your PIL and tell your DH to bloody well back you up and explain the situation to his parents - and help with the housework.

SIL will have to get over it and it might even give her pause for thought and she and BIL might reassess their childcare and scale back on their careers so they can look after their children themselves a bit more. I know - pigs might fly!

You need to send PIL and SIL letters apologising profusely and admitting you are 100% in the wrong.

You messed up and you need to put it right, inorder to restore family harmony.

Basically you have sent your private thoughts about perceived unfairness regarding your PIL's childminding of their GC's to a friend, but you were horrified when it went to the people you were criticising. This is most people's worst nightmare and whilst it is your own fault, I do not think you wanted to hurt them as you concede they are nice people.

You are now on the defensive and the person who would normally be your ally, your DH, is also furious with you. Your SIL is their daughter and you are not.

I am a grandparent carer and two of my grandchildren live with me fulltime. I am still regularly asked to look after my third GS. I do find it hard work but I agree that I am sometimes a little unfair and do not want to have him, keeping him at arms length sort of to protect myself. When I do care for him, I do find it rewarding.

I few weeks ago, one of the young mums at the primary school said to me that she wished her mum did as much as me, that her mum got tired looking after her three children and that at weekends, when she was off work, she felt she was still working because she had another job looking after her own children. She thought she was complimenting me, but just look at how that reads. Her mum is lovely by the way and I have regularly seen her struggling with a tantruming toddler in town.

Do say how sorry you are. A lot of people have absolutely awful PIL's but yours deserve your respect and kindness.

How can you possibly make judgements about the BIL/SIL on the basis of a post which was intended specifically to shift some of the blame away from the OP and onto the parties she has upset?

The SIL's version of this would make for interesting reading

Cate

Being a SAHM is a luxury many can't afford. Can see you share the op's snitty attitude towards working mothers though.

I'd love to know you you think is to blame OP if you don't think its you. I hope your MIL never offers to have the children again for you given how ungrateful you are.

You chose to have two children so close together so now it's down to you and your DH to parent them. It's not your MILs responsibility to do that for you. If you can't fit in the housework when not working without having a day where somebody else provides childcare, how on earth will you do it when you go back to work?

Your SIL having sickness cover every now and again whilst she works simply can't be compared to you wanting several hours to yourself a week.