To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

OP I'm another one agreeing that it might have been better to reply to her initial requests rather than ignore them, and say that you wished her DH luck but you could not afford to sponsor him.

I'm not agreeing that you should have sent her "even just £5" or whatever though.

And the fact that so many people on here have suggested that you could have or should have handed over £5, despite you being clear in your OP that you couldn't afford to donate anything, makes me think that your friend would not have accepted such a 'small' donation either. Not everyone can spare £5, sometimes "I have nothing to give" really does mean nothing at all.

As she then went on to name and shame those who hadn't yet donated and went so far as to ban a two year old from a party just to spite the one parent who didn't give in to her bullying messages, I really don't think you could have done anything to please her other than give to her idea of generously, and I doubt £5 would have cut it for her.

I don't blame you for not wanting her at the party. It's not just that she might ignore you, she might do the same to your DD.

She's already treated your DD badly and the party is an opportunity for her to do it again, making a fuss of the other birthday child and turning up with just one card or gift, which she could hand over in front of your DD. Presumably your DD knows her reasonably well, so what might she do if your DD speaks to her or her child? Ignore her as well? Keep her DS away from your DD?

I wouldn't want to take the risk of an adult treating my child that way, and I don't blame you for not wanting her there.

The harassment by the friend & the naming & shaming are outrageous & inexcusable, no matter how stressed she was (& I've no doubt she was). No one is compelled to respond to requests for sponsorship & the OP's finances are her own business. Well done OP for being the better person here, I'm sure the DCs will have a wonderful party & really won't be aware of any undercurrents.

Yes, I was indeed talking about compassion for someone who has had to face a life-changing situation. Because I think that context matters. In another situation, if this person had been sending insistent messages about, say, her upcoming wedding, my response would likely have been different. I don't think one-size-fits-all responses make much sense.

But you are not the OP, Mary and she made it quite clear in her post that she did not want to go into her financial affairs. And that is her absolute right. What is meat for you is another woman's poison and it is pretty insensitive not to be able to imagine how admitting financial hardship might be something many people wish not to go into with anyone.

I do not equate sending a few texts with your picture of someone who is "trying quite hard" to raise funds.

Neither do I see how asking for money for a charity which supports x, y or z equates to asking for help. It is asking for money which the OP did not wish to provide.

YANBU OP.

I would say she is uninvited or I would not share the party and would pull out.

Gosh, I never suggested that the diagnosis caused the mother to be "a bitch." I just thought a bit of kindness wouldn't come amiss. The OP has said that the mother somehow equated donating to the event as being supportive of her child. As illogical as that may be, I know that at times I have made similar leaps of logic under emotional circumstances.

But I'm more than happy to agree to disagree. Pax?

(And now I feel that I have to add a disclaimer that the smilie is not intended in a passive aggressive way!)

The thing is, Elk, taking the whole picture into context, there is not just the issue of the friend having stress in her life, but also the financial stress OP was under at the time and which the friend was aware of.

It was incredibly insensitive of the friend to hassle her in that way, regardless of what else was going on in her life.

Compassion and consideration are two-way concepts. Many would struggle to feel compassion for someone who only ever considered their own needs and expected the world to dance to their tune.

Well OP if you have a time machine perhaps sending a text or possibly making a small donation might and I do stress the might have avoid the estrangement.

If your time machine doesn't go back that far - not agreeing to a joint party with another mother in the group would be your option.

The mother badgering for donation and threatening and withdrawing invites was very rude - no idea why you caught that as it seems a massive over reaction to your none response and later attempt to patch things up.

Otherwise - your options are rearrange the party. However the mother who doesn't want to get involved might be put out about that. I image she didn't want to get involved in something that could be interpreted as taking a side against a person who has form for behaving vindictively and OTT - she doesn't want to be on receiving end either.

So best thing - invite this woman child - hope they don't attend but don't rely on it - so have other adults family members there if possible to give you support - and ignore the woman or be very polite in any avoidable interactions.

Then hope that as the DC start school and nursery and social groups expand or change this group becomes less a group and you get to keep any particular friendship but also moving on from this group.

Everyone including OP has conceded that had the sodding text been dealt with this would not be happening
that Other Mother should not be a coercing manipulative cow
that she did have an problem agenda, & probably construed this as lack of "friendly" support, has seen OP drink a coffee for £5 & thinks, just a bit would be supportive.
OP has NO obligation to give, or explain why she was unable then got pissed off understandably by this OM haranguing.
OM should never have uninvited Ops DC....
Have I missed anything ? So that taken
From my humble standpoint, in view of it being a large circle of mothers & kids, I would not want to set off an unstoppable aggro situation, where I could be wrongly seen as having done something & end up being black sheep of this group...
Life is too short, I am old enough to know that she will never be a bosom buddy, but in the best interests of DC & myself, suck it up.
If however OM doesn't come to party, starts poisoning the other Mums etc. I would enjoy shooting her down in flames with Gods own bazooka

(grin)

All you need to know that a two-year old child was uninvited to the party. Two.Year.Old.Child. I'm speechless.

OP, you took this thread with a lot of grace. Rest assured, you've done nothing wrong. Your heart is in the right place.

Yanbu
To be honest I think I would have ignored her texts too. You shouldn't have to explain why you aren't going to donate - there could be many reasons, none of which are any of her business. She was aggressive and just nasty.
I can't imagine any text saying 'no' to her would have been acceptable.

I suspect if the OP had responded to one of the texts she would have received the nasty text sooner rather than later.

YANBU

OP for your own wellbeing get out of this party - and get away from this toxic woman .

Life is too short.

Have a party with DD that you will both enjoy and not worry about.

All these OMs are not relevant or significant to your life -you and your family my lovely are your priority.

Please don't waste any more time on this . Be brave and strong - you have acted with grace - you owe nobody - you have done no wrong.