To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

I agree with MrsDeVere, requests for donations for fun runs etc. are just that, a request. No reason whatsoever to give if you can't (I could give, by going further into my overdraft I already live on, is that reasonable for 'charity'?) No reason to explain when a generic 'Pete is doing the marathon, please sponsor' message comes about.

As for then harassing the person if they don't give, I have never ever heard of anyone doing anything like this and find it totally socially unacceptable.

My advice, I'm sure already given, do your own party, have your own friends, withdraw from this group.

You have nothing to feel bad about- as you say, you were offering non-material support and that wasn't what was wanted, their choice.

You could have been honest about your situation and her bombarding requests but it sounds like you're making mountains out of mole hills and everyone is caught in the middle

Talk to her face to face NO texts and explain then you might be able to be civil with each other at least

You are both YABU

I'm not sure why posters who are trying to explain how this particular woman in this particular situation may have felt at the diagnosis of her child with a condition (based on our own or observed experiences) and how she latched onto the charity stuff as a way to identify support for her child are getting such a hard time? To be able to see a possible reason is not to say the behaviour was right or justified or that it is how everyone in a similar situation would behave. I don't see how it can be extrapolated to that at all

My first post on this said to grow up(!) and having read your subsequent posts op I really think you have. It takes bottle to try to see the other person's point of view and see how your own behaviour could have made the situation worse because you have taken on board how she must have felt. It doesn't mean you weren't treated horribly and deserve to be upset. Of course you do. By not joining in the nasty behaviour and inviting her child to the party hopefully you can draw a line under the whole thing in your head. Not to forgive her but to just move on.

Sponsoring or not sponsoring someone has no reflection on how well you support on a day to day basis. They are two separate things.

I've read most of the thread but Jomato she told you that you wouldn't be welcome to any events at her home and your DD wasn't welcome to her DS birthday when she'd already been invited .

Did your DD go to his birthday?
If not , then you are being much more adult in your invitation to her chil. Maybe she won't bring him, possibly her DH will.

then ignore her completely 100% from now on, she sounds like a pathetic childish control freak

His party hasn't happened yet but no of course DD won't be going as it's been made clear she is no longer welcome. Feels a bit ridiculous even saying that, she is only 2!

Having read the entire thread I'm of the option, as OP is now, that she should have replied at the time.

This entire thing could have been avoided by a £5 donation and a text explaining why it was so low.

She shouldn't have harassed you, but was probably, irrationally very hurt that you didn't bother to reply.

I think we've all gone a little OTT where our children are concerned. I remember crying to DH that both my sisters and his godparents had forgotten DS's first birthday. I realise in the grand scheme of things it's not important, but I was hurt as it seemed they didn't care.

I think anyone that uninvites a two year old, because they didn't get what they wanted after bullying their mother, needs removing from the mother's social circles immediately.

Hopefully the party situation will resolve itself and they will be "unable to attend" so you can get on with enjoying your DD day ( you really don't need the stress of getting the Silent Treatment or Daggers from the mum)

But what about the rest of the group - do they not see how unreasonable she's been ?

We have collections at work and one of my collegues refuses to contribute (for their own reasons, I don't ask) . I just sign the card, put my £ in and say wryly "we'll remember this when you retire" but no-one thinks any worse.

What she did was pushy in extreme.

She behaved very badly imo, and she shouldn't have harassed you. Neither should she have taken a complete strop with you. Nonetheless, a bit of communication from you and even a £5 donation could have averted it.

So IMO not having RTentireT, I'd say, suck it up, have her at the party and get on with it without dragging the friendship group into it If you were to exclude her from the party IMO you would be reaching a whole new low.

Why are people still going on about donating £5 or £10 when the OP said that she was not in a financial position to be able to make a donation?
Five pounds is still money,and for some people it's quite a lot of money. That amount can make the difference to some between eating or going hungry.

Nobody has any obligation to respond to a request to donate to a charity. It doesn't matter what the charity is, what the persons connection with the charity is or what your financial situation is: it is an unsolicited request to give your money away.
To ask got money by group text is very impersonal, so I don't see the OP was rude or inconsiderate to not reply. I'd have done the same thing. If the friend had felt that strongly she would have spoken to OP directly.
Yes, having a child with additional needs us stressful. So is having financial worries and being hassled to sponsor someone. Friend was selfish then and has since showed herself to be an arse. You're better off without her.
I only donate to certain charities. I don't have unlimited funds and can't afford to donate to every good cause. That isn't a reflection on the charity on me, it's just a fact of life.

People choose not to donate for ahold variety of reasons, no one should feel that have to subscribe to a charity, I think the suggestions of making a donation to avoid a situation is irelevant

This thread really has re-enforced to me why bullies get away with their behaviour; because so many people are willing to accept their behaviour, make excuses for it, and to do anything to appease them!

Its the communication, or lack of it, that is a problem. The friend was totally unreasonable to hound the OP but the OP should have just bloody well said so if she couldn't afford it.

In any case the intimation is that people were giving hundreds, and nothing suggests the OP was on the breadline. It's irrelevant anyway - she should have spoken to her friend at the time and offered the other support she was qualified and able to.

OP your former friend has behaved badly, and probably has some unreasonable tendencies you might prefer to avoid in a friend, but she was going through a bad time, and tbh I think you allowed the fallout to happen through lack of communication. Outside of the emotional heightenedness of birthdays and parties is there any way you can meet, discuss and clear the air. It might make life easier in the long run. I doubt your friendship can be resurrected but the grudge-holding must be exhausting for everyone.

I can't get over the number of people who have said that OP should have given £5! Why should she? She has said that money was tight - have these people who suggested that ever been in a really tight financial situation? One where you wonder how on earth you are going to find the wherewithal to buy your child's meal? i also don't see why she should have responded to the text either. I wouldn't respond to a begging text. The OP does not have to explain why she is not giving - it is her choice. If the so-called friend was demanding that her friends cough up, then that is beyond the pale. I think you're lucky you've seen her true colours and can just walk away.

And just because you are not on the breadline does not mean you have any spare cash!

but the OP should have just bloody well said so if she couldn't afford it.

Erm, why? It is not the friend's business as to what the OP's finances are or are not.

Not to drip feed but in answer to those saying I should have just told her I couldn't afford it I don't think I should have had to. Our financial positions are vastly (I mean vastly) different and she's made some quite insensitive comments about this in the past. Another friend I would probably have felt more comfortable but the principle is the same, I shouldn't be forced to discuss my finances with anyone.

I'm stunned that so many people do not or cannot understand that there are people for whom a £5 donation is out of the question- unless their children don't mind going without tea that night and breakfast the next morning.

Mary - OP said quite clearly that she didn't feel obligated to discuss her finances with this person, so your suggestion that she should have just bloody well said so if she couldn't afford it is out of line.

Nobody has to disclose their finances when approached for cold, hard cash. Remember the sign you used to see in shops "Don't ask for credit, as a refusal often offends"?

Any conversation about the issue should have been instigated by the person asking for money, not by the person who choses not to respond to a request to give money, when it is obvious that a lack of response means "no, I don't want to donate."

I'd say the fallout happened because it's never a good idea to ask your friends for money, far less to do so by the very impersonal method of a group text. Then to badger repeatedly (by text again) and to "name and shame" shows the friend is totally lacking in communication skills. None of her behaviour is excused or explained by the fact she was going through a bad time - and that's actually total conjecture because nowhere has that been said. For all we know, that period could have co-incided with a time when her DC was making great strides and the whole family was feeling very positive.

However, after the OTT behaviour over the money, friend then is deliberately cruel to a small child. That is inexcusable, only a really horrible person would do that, no matter what else is going on in their life.

Because a good friend was trying to raise funds for a cause close to her heart. It wasn't a random person from the office trying to pay for their holiday to the hindu kush. OP didn't have to disclose the full operational budget of her household, just say, I'm sorry for your situation, things are a bit tight for us at the moment, sorry its only three quid, but I can help with advice etc

None of which excuses the friend's subsequently horrible behaviour, at all but it could have averted a situation in which - by the sound of it - no-one is very happy and is a PITA for mutual friends.

Well done OP, for determining to 'do the right thing'.
The chances are that she won't turn up, anyway.

Or be prepared for her to turn up with a gift for your friend's child but not yours. In which case, ignore.

She sounds hysterical and irrational, which is possibly understandable when coming to terms with aspects of her child's condition. of course there will be many parents of disabled children who say 'I managed not to treat my friends like this' but everyone is different. She was clearly being unreasonable and may or may not calm down as time goes on.

Also, there is never a reason to feel embarrassed that you have no spare cash.

That is no reason at all, Mary, far less a reason to disclose your financial situation and certainly not a reason to give money you can't afford.

Most people have charities that are close to their hearts. That doesn't mean they then have to give money they cannot afford to other charities, no matter what their friends involvement with that charity is.

And the friend was not that invested in the charity that she couldn't spare the time to talk about this face to face, rather than just firing off a series of texts. The friend also knew OPs situation, so it was very thoughtless of her to persist in this manner. I personally do not have an issue with saying, "I'm sorry, I can't afford that" but I also know that many people would feel uncomfortable with that and would never see it as reasonable to demand they explain their financial situation to me in any detail whatsoever, because that is incredibly intrusive.

Mary you still don't get it. OP was under no obligation to donate at any point, good friend or not - and given the subsequent behaviour, i hesitate to use the word 'friend' to describe this person. OP did not have to respond to the text and she has already said she was there to give emotional support. For the 'friend' to badger the OP and then be deliberately cruel to a small child is beyond the bounds of decent behaviour. I have many good friends who support different charities than the ones that i support. They may have said on occasion that something was being done to support this charity, but never has it been implied that i 'had' to support it, anymore than i would expect them to support my pet charity. You are being completely unreasonable in your attitude, Mary.