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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

216 replies

Jomato · 28/11/2014 22:36

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

OP posts:
SnowSpot · 28/11/2014 22:59

And agree with SaucyJack, if this woman is having to cope with a child with serious developmental difficulties, then her behaviour may not have always been entirely rational. This was obviously a charity close to her heart.

Fairenuff · 28/11/2014 23:01

She was probably more annoyed by the fact that you ignored her, rather than that you didn't sponsor someone. It's pretty rude to fail to respond to repeated texts, she probably thought you were giving her the cold shoulder and had enough of your silliness.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2014 23:01

"I'm sorry, I'm not in a position to donate. Good luck with the fundraising".

That's probably all it would have taken to be fair.

Either way, none of this is the kids fault or your friend.

HumblePieMonster · 28/11/2014 23:01

You were right she was wrong. Ignore if you want to go ahead with the shared party.

chickenmadcat · 28/11/2014 23:01

Loving the way so many people on this thread are glossing over and/or justifying the OP's ex friend's behaviour!

LadyLuck10 · 28/11/2014 23:02

You say if you have a problem you resolve it. Your actions completely contradict that.
You blanked her repeatedly because you just didn't want to deal with her.
Now you would rather let your dd bear the brunt of it because you would rather avoid her.

chickenmadcat · 28/11/2014 23:02

She was probably more annoyed by the fact that you ignored her, rather than that you didn't sponsor someone. It's pretty rude to fail to respond to repeated texts, she probably thought you were giving her the cold shoulder and had enough of your silliness.

As opposed to her own silliness in constantly hounding the OP and demanding money, Fairnuff?

Hassled · 28/11/2014 23:04

What OnlyOne Scoop said. You not responding at all probably looked pretty rude, and she presumably took it that you just didn't care. She was extremely rude to persist, though.

Let her be invited and hopefully it will just all go away.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/11/2014 23:04

Oh good grief be a grown up about this. You behaved badly by not saying "sorry no, we won't be donating" and she behaved appallingly by chasing you for an optional, charity donation.

You need to put his behind you and excluding a child from a birthday party is deeply, deeply petty and it's really quite off to even suggest it to your friend.

Buck up love.

ninaprettyballerina · 28/11/2014 23:05

It's a tough one and I sympathise having recently had to invite a girl to DSs party although I had MASSIVE fallout with her mum. But I say you just suck it up and let her have the invite. And ignore on the day

AgentZigzag · 28/11/2014 23:06

I see my phone just like I do my door, that as an adult it's my decision whether I answer it or not.

But the woman seems to have gone beyond 'Oh, Jomato hasn't answered, I wonder why/if she's OK', and has taken it to the point of obsession trying to get her to answer.

That would make me much less likely to answer, who does she think she fucking is?

Most people would think about it in passing then not give it another thought, not 'She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited).' Totally OTT on top of all the other bollocks.

paperlace · 28/11/2014 23:06

I'm with those who cannot understand why you didn't send some kind of polite, supportive text or email when she was asking for a donation.

Some are saying she's obviously a nightmare, my take on it was that she was increasingly hurt and incensed that you didn't acknowledge her pleas for help hence her ill advised series of emails.

Sometimes we get fixated on a so-called friend when they are not doing what you feel is the right thing.

I bet is was not actually about the money/donation.

I think you were rude and hardly showed much empathy.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/11/2014 23:07

Whilst her hassling of you was not acceptable, did you really not have a single penny spare to sponsor them?

Bulbasaur · 28/11/2014 23:08

For starters, she's most likely sensitive about her child's condition, and sees you not donating as personally not supporting her.

On top of that, you ignored her. You could have sent a text or well wishes for the event.

Is she over invested in the donations? Sure. But given that it's her child, I'm sure emotions are running high and that this event was her way of coping with it.

She wasn't right in how she got overbearing about donations, but this isn't a one is right so the other must be wrong type of situation. You were both wrong, and there's equal blame on both sides.

Have your own party if you must. But you've already been childish enough by ignoring her, no need to get petty about a birthday party.

You need to grow up. She needs to take a chill pill.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 28/11/2014 23:08

How childish are you both...!!!??? why couldn't you have the common decency to reply to a text saying why you couldn't donate...??? Bizarre, bizarre and even more bizarre!

saoirse31 · 28/11/2014 23:08

agent z .. I'm not saying she had to sponsor her. I do wonder why she wouldn't tho in circs where woman was in closish circle of friends... just seems odd.

as I said I think sponsoring mother was unreasonable.

chickenmadcat · 28/11/2014 23:10

Bulbasaur, don't forget that the OP's friend disinvited OP's child from a party! Why is the OP childish but the friend not childish??

elliejjtiny · 28/11/2014 23:10

Well, the right thing to do at the time would have been to sponsor him £1 or say that you couldn't afford to sponsor and offer to help out in another way. It's a bit late for that now though.

I think you need to be the bigger person and invite the child and mum to the party, especially as it's a joint one. She was out of order to keep hassling you though and for the nasty text.

Original poster
Jomato · 28/11/2014 23:10

LadyLuck you may be right, I didn't deal with it and I should have done. Like i said it coincided with lots of other things happening and i buried my head. I should have recognised that she was equating financial support with support for her son, I didn't until it was too late. It wouldn't have changed my response but I would have dealt with it more sensitively.

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/11/2014 23:13

Bear in mind the sponsorship was for a charity to do with something her child is affected by - so it would have been deeply personal to her. The text hounding was way, way too much but the OP's silence (in texting woman's head) meant "I don't care about your child's problems".

Hassled · 28/11/2014 23:13

Xpost - sorry.

Bulbasaur · 28/11/2014 23:16

Bulbasaur, don't forget that the OP's friend disinvited OP's child from a party! Why is the OP childish but the friend not childish??

I said she needed to take a chill pill for over reacting like she did. Over reacting is generally seen as a childish and immature action

But, I'm going to say that over reacting and uninviting someone in the heat of anger and hurt is a bit different than what the OP is doing. OP is having petty revenge and sticking her friend in the middle of it. At least ex-friend was direct about it and had good reason to be hurt, childish as she was.

chickenmadcat · 28/11/2014 23:18

I still think that regardless of the OP's lack of reply and sponsorship, and regardless of her friend's child's problems, the friend started the fall out and the bad feeling by acting like a demanding diva and then throwing a tantrum when OP didn't meet her demands.

I sometimes forget to reply to texts and messages. I don't often sponsor people. I live my life for me, not to tip toe around keeping other people happy. If someone sent me a nasty message like that I'd cut them out and never have anything further to do with them.

I hate the way that in the world of Mumsnet we are constantly expected to make allowances for this and that, and basically excuse bad behaviour from other people towards us.

SnowSpot · 28/11/2014 23:18

Jomato - have you thought about writing her a letter saying that exact thing? Not a crappy text, not an email, but a proper letter just explaining in those simple terms that you just put above? Even a £5 donation to the charity this late in the day might go some way to mending the rift.

I agree that she had absolutely no right to be so persistent and punishing about you donating, but seeing how my friend was after her DS was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and knowing how much support she needed, I expect that she did equate your silence with a lack of support.

I know you've already apologised, but perhaps as this is affecting you, your kids and your social circle, it might be good to try again at mending things.

Only1scoop · 28/11/2014 23:19

'I didn't text her back to be honest it was least of my worries at the time'

It was clearly a huge deal to her at the time.

I think she was shocked and found you dismissive by your silence. She reacted angrily which was wrong.

You really can't expect the other mother to not invite her friend. I wouldn't want to get involved either.

I hope you sort it.