To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

Ah, just hold your head high and even if she does turn up you will be too busy to notice. No more shared parties from now on. It sounds like she's a bit of a nightmare anyway.

People choose which charity to donate to, yes it might be a good cause but the op does not have to not even 3 pounds to avoid conflict it is a free society

I don't think you should be pressurised to donate to this charity if you can't or don't want to and it is appalling that she kept hassling you.

I really don't see why anyone should be expected to respond to a donation request with a statement of their financial position. And I don't understand why anyone would hound their friends for a donation. I did a sponsored run last year for a charity related to one of my kids; I sent out a message to everyone I've ever met a bunch of friends, and some people donated. Others didn't. It didn't cross my mind to question the motives or finances of those who didn't donate: it's their choice. No one contacted me to say why they weren't donating, and I wouldn't have expected them to. I certainly didn't think that the lack of a donation was any kind of reflection of how much they cared about me or my child.

I don't believe the theory that the OP's ex-friend was acting out of character because she was distressed about her child's disability. My theory is that she's a very competitive person and was trying to ensure that her husband's sponsorship was sufficiently impressive (maybe as compensation for her child's disability, but I'll admit that I'm a raving Freudian).

But I do agree that the best course of action is to go ahead with the joint party, invite the ex-friend's child, and be polite if the mother shows up. In my view there's a LOT to be said for being the bigger person.

Because a good friend was trying to raise funds for a cause close to her heart.

And?

Why does her cause and her heart trump everyone else's? It is bullying, pure and simple.

Wow! Can't believe anyone would hassle someone to donate to a charity.

I agree with those who say that the initial text was merely information and you were then free to donate or not donate and that should have been the end of it. If I failed to donate due to my financial situation - or any other reason - and then got a naming and shaming follow up they could write off any chance of receiving anything from me, including practical help. I'd be seriously hacked off.

The joint party is a really unfortunate situation. However, much as you'd like your friend to support you she is still friends with your ex-friend and as a friend should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I suspect, however, that if this is the ex-friend's general attitude you may well be the first to be on the receiving end of it but probably won't be the last, so it might be that your ex-friend ultimately pushes herself out of the friendship group.

Op should have replied to the individual text, and told her no not right now, to acknowledge it and wish her good luck, op knows this. But friend hasselling is going against the spirit if giving to charity, she sounds like a blooming chugger.

I'm with MrsDeVere, I have a disabled child and this woman was just being a bitch, please don't assume it was because of her child's disability.

If anyone wants to paint a stereotype, the parent of a disabled child would be the last to uninvite a child! We know what it's like!

This woman is simply not a nice person who happens to have a disabled son. Parents of disabled children don't have halos, some are just bloody horrid like some of the parents of NT children are horrid.

I don't think you should have to explain why you are not donating either. Nor do I think you should have given anything if you don't want to do so.

A reply and acknowledgement is still possible without doing either of those things. It is also fine not to donate even if you are a millionaire and you shit actual gold coins.

All this give a fiver stuff is ridiculous.

"This entire thing could have been avoided by a £5 donation and a text explaining why it was so low."

In my friendship group a £5 wouldn't be considered low at all.

I don't think you need to discuss your finances, but ignoring texts and requests is a bit rude IMO. I would have texted back to say I wasn't in a position to donate, but would support the charity when I was able to.

Having said that I think the hounding was very rude and OTT indeed.

I think this "friend" was bang out of line. Don't stoop to her level by not inviting her child, but I would avoid her at your party (prob won't be difficult to as you'll be busy). Although if she has any morals, she won't attend anyway. I don't see why she should think she can attend one of your events (albeit shared) if she's banned you from hers.

Redhead, I totally get it - I have been in a similar position before now. People who are fundraising tend to really try quite hard to raise money. Asking once - or even twice - when someone fails to reply is not "bullying". If one can't afford or prefer not to donate its better to say so, it prevents the feeling (or in this case actuality) of being chased. I also agree with the poster who said that no-one should ever be embarrassed to say they can't afford to do things.

Of course (third time of saying) the so-called friend's subsequent behaviour - the naming and shaming and tirade etc - has been utterly ridiculous, but a polite no might have prevented it.

Only on MN would the notion of showing compassion for someone be derided as insulting. LOL. And actually I think the OP has been very reasonable in her responses to this thread and IMO has chosen to do the right thing by not involving other friends in a private quarrel.

"This entire thing could have been avoided by a £5 donation and a text explaining why it was so low."

Jesus Christ Bunbaker please don't tell me that's a quote from someone on this thread I despair! £5 in my peer group is also prefectlying adequate, and would be gratefully received. And nobody would EVER hound someone!

Only on MN would the notion of showing compassion for someone be derided as insulting. LOL. And actually I think the OP has been very reasonable in her responses to this thread and IMO has chosen to do the right thing by not involving other friends in a private quarrel. I hope your child has a lovely birthday party, Jomato.

Oops. Sorry for the double post.

The friend was not fund raising though. She wasn't actually doing anything except sending out increasingly aggressive texts. So it's not the same situation as someone spending time and money baking cakes fir a charity event or doing a sponsored litter pick up. Friend could have been doing nothing more than sitting on her sofa firing off text messages, which isn't exactly a strain.
I would feel harassed if I'd received those texts.
And I would never expect anyone to have to come out with "I cannot afford that" although I personally can and will say that. However, I recognise that for many people this is incredibly embarrassing. It doesn't take much empathy to understand that many people feel ashamed when they are in this position.
OP was asked to give money. She remained silent. Which was in itself a complete answer. It is always rude to chase people and effectivly demand they support your pet charity and can actively discourage them from ever supporting it in the future.

Fund raising is one thing, but this friend over-stepped the mark. Texts every few days, naming the people who did not sponsor her husband? Hello? How is this ever all right, regardless of what you are trying to raise money for? Perhaps she has taken a leaf out of Bob Geldof's book regarding the naming. I don't see why the OP had to reply at all. Of course, this woman might be thick unable to grasp the notion that not replying means that the recipient does not want to get involved. OP was still under no obligation to respond or donate.

For someone who has been in a similar position, you seem remarkably short of empathy, Mary. OP has said that she didn't know how to respond and thereafter felt that she was being hounded. I would hate to be in her position. I have the feeling that a 'polite no' would not have stopped the texts.

If OP had said no thanks after the first, or second or third requests it probably would not have escalated to this miserable situation. (though I agree with your analysis that the former friend was perhaps not inclined to take no for an answer)

Yes she was fundraising, what else is a seeking sponsorship?

Of course she was under no obligation to donate, of course the former friends naming and shaming behaviour is not right (4th time said that now). Not suggesting for a moment it was. But in that situation I would rather bear whatever embarrassment I felt at saying no than ignore a friend's request for help (because that is how she has seen it).

The OP is doing the right thing about the party,and I'm not having a go at her!

If OP had said no thanks after the first, or second or third requests it probably would not have escalated to this miserable situation.

She had already been named and shamed by then. Why respond to a bully?

Treated like a halfwit? Um, O.K. I thought we were talking about inviting a child to a birthday party.

If I am not going to donate to something I don't usually say so or give reasons - do people really do this? And if the person in question were trying to shame me into doing it I think, rightly or wrongly, I'd be even more inclined to ignore the texts. Yes, I prioritise giving to this sort of cause as it is nice to support friends, but there are times when you just don't have anything to give...