To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

Ah yes, give the friend her own way even though OP has said she cannot afford it!

I have to say I agree. It was deeply insensitive to just ignore her. Yes, you had a lot on, yes, money was tight for you but unless you've had a child with developmental needs you cannot even begin to understand how crippling lonely and awful it is. The uncertainty and hopelessness is overwhelming and latching on to something like a charity venture is understandable when everything else is so awful and out of control.

Your problems will have seemed very petty and insignificant by comparison... because they are.

I think you should hold an olive branch and thank goodness you're not walking in her shoes.

I don't think it's fair MovingOnUp for you to take it upon yourself to triage whether the OP's problems are insignificant.

Presumably the OP's ex friend shares the same attitude as you.

Bulbassaur it's not about petty revenge at all, it's about not wanting to feel upset and uncomfortable at my own child's birthday party by being blanked by a party guest. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that, not to figure out how to hurt her feelings.

I agree I'm going to have to find a way to suck it up, I'm just worried about my capacity to do that, particularly since I will have just given birth which is not a time best known for managing emotions in a rational way!

Ah but Jomato, apparently as you've not got a child with difficulties any feelings or upset that you feel isn't valid, so you just have to let your ex friend behave as she wishes and put up with it. According to the majority on here...

Ah look, just be the bigger person. Have the poor child at the party. Sounds like they have enough on their plate at the moment.

However, the hounding would have pissed me off too.

And maybe say to mom that sorry you didn't contribute, wasn't comfortable mentioning it at the time but that you weren't in a position to at the time but no hard feelings, eh?

At a double party for two 3yr olds, you'll be lucky to find the time to take a shit....let alone find time to notice you're being blanked by one parent.

Honestly, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Don't let this overshadow the kids special day.

I wouldn't ask the other Mum not to invite the child and his Mum.

Just enjoy the party and say look, I saw the initial message as a generic group message. I wasn't in a position to donate at the time, and your later texts made me feel awkward and I didn't really know how to respond.

Oh, and then stay clear of her for rest of party... Unless she apologizes profoundly.

Bit PA, but WTF.

I don't want this to turn into a thread about disabilities, i recognise the points being made about her emotional investment and I've acknowledged that I should have recognised this more quickly and dealt with it. I have supported her in lots of ways i just didn't realise how important this event was to her.

I would have had no problem with her raising it with me.

I think she thought she was raising it with you by contacting you about the lack of donation repeatedly. I don't deny that her behaviour was inappropriate, but given that she was dealing with a life-changing diagnosis at the time and hoping for her friends to rally round, I think it might have been kinder to cut her a little slack and at least respond to say that you hoped the event went well, even if you couldn't donate. She probably did take your lack of response as a lack of interest and a lack of support, and I can understand feeling that she didn't want you and your daughter around at an event so close (timewise) to the original fall-out.

A year on, when you still have a (presumably) healthy daughter and she is still probably coming to terms with her son's developmental needs, I think you could afford to extend an olive branch. Invite her son (because from what I have read on MN, he may not have that many invitations to parties if other parents aren't sympathetic or feel confident hosting him) and maybe use this opportunity to see if you can repair your relationship. Having a child with significant needs can be isolating enough, and if you got on well before this whole thing blew up, could you not put her haranguing down to a reaction to the news about her son and see if you can make amends, even if it is just to the point where you are civil to each other and considerate of each other's children?

It does sound that way for some people chickenmadcat.

I'd hate to see how the mum would have behaved if the OP had sent a text saying she can't cough up but good luck anyway.

It would have gone down the same way as OP not answering, but would have created a shit storm that would have involved the OP (rather than it just being about the other mum).

YA BOTH U. You for not bothering to answer a friend -not suggesting you donate at all if you didn't want too-but even just to say 'can't at this time, but good luck!'. Her for being pushy and over dramatic.
Being honest, I would be a bit fucked off if a friend completely ignored me. I wouldn't mind if they said no, but not answering is rude. After a 3 year friendship I would expect some form of support, be it just a few words or a sponsor of a few pounds. Nothing would make me think you couldn't care less.
Anyway, it's done now. Let her child come to the party. You will be busy anyway and can ignore or be distantly polite. Be the bigger person and don't punish the child for her mum's tantrum.

We would all do something's differently with benefit of hindsight. Just move in from it.

When I got her text i did respond explaining my reasoning as has been suggested. I was upset by her text but did want to resolve it and tried my best to do that.

This woman treated you like a piece of shit and your expected to throw a party and invite her when she has told you your not welcome at any events she throws.

Nobody should be forced to donate anything to appease bullies.

op I suppose what happens next is how you want to set a precedent for the future.

What if she is invited and make you feel uncomfortable at your own dd party.

What if she is invited, comes and then doesn't invite your dd after you offering 'the olive branch'

She has tried to bully you and posters are urging you to try and make it up to her!

She wouldn't be attending my child's party. I'd speak to your 'friend' again. It seems ok when she is trying to alienate you but your getting no support back.

The thing with 'groups' of friends is that if you fall out with one - you can see yourself pushed right out and if that happens were they ever really your friends in the first place.

I cannot believe you're getting a hard time on here, OP.

The ex-friend behaved outrageously. Texting people repeatedly for money, naming them in group texts for not donating (WTF?!), uninviting children to birthday parties...come on. This is horrendous behaviour.

I have known people with terminally ill children, and they do not carry on like that. There is no excuse for uninviting an innocent child to a party. Yes, I understand that having a seriously ill child is one of the worst things that can happen to you, but the OP's fiver was not the only thing standing between the other woman's child and a cure.

And yes, of course the OP is extremely uncomfortable at having this woman at her child's party. Who wouldn't be?!

OP, I don't think you have put a foot wrong here, up until the point where you involved your other friend (joint-party-hosting mum). For everyone's sake, you need to rise above. Invite the ex-friend's child, be polite but busy on the day of the party, grit your teeth and get through it.

Good luck.

Sorry - massively slow typing on my part and a million cross-posts OP, so please don't think I'm piling in about acknowledging her perceived link between lack of sponsorship and lack of support or interest as I see that you have recognised that this may have been her motivation originally. Do you think there is any chance either of you might be interested in reconciling to a level of civility that would make things easier for your children and other friends?

You should had tried to reason with her op it's non of her business if you can afford it. She sounds like a bully. It's no loss.

But thanks for all the responses, it's given me a lot to think about. I will speak to my friend tomorrow and apologise for putting her in the situation to have to chose.

Nomorepeppapigplease raises some very good points!

I hate the way that in the world of Mumsnet we are constantly expected to make allowances for this and that, and basically excuse bad behaviour from other people towards us.

I don't think anyone is saying make allowances. They're explaining why she had such a massive reaction.

I think everyone is in agreement that she crossed the line with hounding OP. But people are also saying that OP isn't exactly blameless in this either.

I think talking to your friend about the party is a good thing, Jomato. Just to make sure that you aren't putting her in an awkward position.

I do know how you feel, I had a bit of a snarly time with another mum once. And it did make things tricky and was a bit gutting. I guess I always approach things by trying to work out how to make things as peaceful as possible, because the brain-ache involved being angry and having someone angry with you is often just not worth it.
Good luck.

Actually having thought even more about this, OP, I'd just think "Fuck her".

And contrary to what I said earlier I wouldn't have a joint party with this other woman's child. As NoMorePeppa said, it's ok when this other woman is trying to alienate you. Where is the support for you from your friend?

I'd host a party just for your child, and not invite this mum and child. And I wouldn't hold back on telling other friends, factually about why you have not invited this woman's child. "I couldn't afford to sponsor her husband so she sent me a message uninviting my child from her child's party and saying we are no longer welcome at her house so I figured she wouldn't want to come here" should suffice.