To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

Some quick responses before i go to sleep. I could change the joint party, they are turning 3, they won't know the difference. However having thought further about it i don't want to change it so I'll just have to rise above it as i accept it's unfair to ask friend to choose.

I do have the texts but I won't be doing anything with them (and definitely won't be posting them on here!)

If she comes she'll do nothing worse than blank me, I'm not worried about that. I also don't think that sending a text at the time would have made much difference. I don't think she would have shunned me but I think she would have been upset with me. She just would have felt less justified in raising it. My impression from what she has said is that she has equated giving a big donation to this charity as evidence of support. If I did not contribute i would not be seen as a supporter of her son. Regardless though I agree (and have said so several times) that I should have responded.

There isn't a neat way out of this. If you do separate parties, your DC will be invited to the other child's one and your ex-friend will be there. It'll happen at the 9 or so other parties too. I know it'll feel different when you are hosting, but it's less socially awkward when you are busy with that.

I think the least stressful route is to invite her child, from both birthday children equally. Separate parties won't avoid seeing her, and sending a invitation just from the other child will only add fuel to the fire. Then, she turns up with one present, hands it to the other child, blanks you and your DC potentially... It almost forces her down the route of returning the snub (again). Whereas a joint invitation puts the ball back in her court. I understand why you don't want her there but she isn't going to stop your DC enjoying their own party. Or at least, she won't if you defuse things a bit rather than snubbing her further.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, whereas I definitely think 'donation woman' was being unreasonable. I don't think you owed her a response to any of her increasingly bizarre demands for your money, and it seems that ultimately she has placed a cash value on your friendship. It's unfortunate (if not unusual) that the mother-in-the-middle is unwilling to take a stand; I'd have thought that uninviting your small daughter to donation woman's child's party is the sort of action that requires a response from mutual friends. It's disappointing when so-called friends don't exhibit the loyalty we wish for... sometimes it's an indication that they're not really such good friends...

OP I agree that you shouldn't do anything with the texts but I'd keep hold of them just in case. I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully she won't even come to the party.

Good luck with the party I'm sure it will be fine even if she blanks you - you will have lots of other things to do.

It's like you're saying just because the woman has had a shit fit that the OP owes her and should do as she's told.

Show me where I said that and we'll talk.

The woman was wrong to bombard you with messages, and she was childish and petty to exclude your child from a birthday party. A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss, though, given that she was coping with life-changing news about her child. She clearly feels deeply emotionally invested in this situation. She did overreact and should certainly offer you an apology, but under the circumstances I'd be more inclined to cut her some slack.

But I think you were also wrong not to respond to her increasingly insistent messages. And it would be absolutely wrong to try to involve other friends in a private squabble (I can see that you have taken that on board, as per your last message). The tit-for-tat, she-started-it sort of stuff should be left on the primary school playground.

Just suck it up and invite her. It's too hard when two people who are part of a big group fall out.

I completely agree that the other mum was very rude and she shouldn't have harassed you for sponsorship or a donation. But by the sound of it she is struggling with her child's diagnosis and has found the charity to be lifeline for her grief. She probably can't imagine why raising money for it isn't as important to you as it is to her and has taken it as a personal slight and a sign that you don't care about her child.

None of this means she wasn't very rude but she is clearly in a very difficult place emotionally. I do think you should have texted her back to say you couldn't sponsor her DH but was there anything else you could do to help.

For the party I would just suck it up and be the bigger person tbh. You can't dictate to your friend who she does and doesn't invite. It may be very awkward but on the other hand it might be the start of the two of you finding common ground again.

Thank goodness KoalaDownUnder and MrsDeVere were here to say what I wanted to say.

Good luck, OP, with this person.

I have done various fundraisers connected to 2 charities related to my sons genetic condition. Never, would I guilt trip someone or 'name and shame' someone who didn't donate. Charity is not about conspicuous giving, if I donate to Just Giving I often don't put my name.

The op's friend behaved appallingly by hounding people for money, having a child who has disabilities is no reason to act in such a way.

Friend was VU to keep contacting you by text - this was in effect badgering you to donate.
Donation is voluntary. You had chosen not to donate and a reasonable person would have accepted your silence as being evidence you did not wish to donate for whatever reason.
You were under no obligation to sponsor her husband and her actions, while understandably linked to her child's condition, were verging on harassment.
Given her actions after the event, it's likely this woman would have reacted equally badly to a text saying "Sorry, can't make a donation, wish you all the best." Uninviting a child from a party is unexcusably nasty no matter what else is going on in your life. It is deliberately cruel behaviour directed at an innocent party.
Rise above this. Do not lower yourself to her behaviour. Let her child come to the party and smile pleasantly at her. She decided the friendship was over - and from her subsequent behaviour that's probably just as well because she's shown a very nasty side to her personality.

Welcome to the sad world of joint 'friends' taking the easy way out.

No matter how much other people tell you that what the other person did was not fair, they will do sweet FA about it.

It sucks.

Now you have the choice of how to deal with it, because unless this woman calms down and backs down, no matter how unreasonable she has been, you are the one who has to deal with this on your own, without the support of join friends.

With any luck, you are in an area which has enough nurseries and schools that you will make other parent friends over the next few years, and that will make any decision you make easier to make.

And what is it with people who think that simply cutting someone off and ignoring them is the best way to deal with these situations? Seriously childish behaviour.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

In your place I'd try to hang on to two thoughts:

1. It's not your party, it's DD's (so you're not having to invite anyone to an event of yours, IFSWIM).
2. She's not the guest, her DS is.

Take her out of your mental equation entirely.

Unless to add a third thought - that you're the bigger, more magnanimous person.

She won't impress any of the circle of moms by shunning you and your almost three year old because you didn't donate to her cause. Be a good example. She probably will feel abashed when she see's how unreasonable and mean she is being, and apologize to you for loosing her temper.

One would would hope so anyways.

OP, i am completely on your side. You did not have to donate - the reasons why you didn't donate are yours and are entirely correct. You do not have to justify yourself in this. I hate this bullying culture that just because it is someone's pet charity that all their friends 'have' to donate to it. I disagree - donating to charity is a personal thing.

As for the party, that is difficult. If the children already know about the party, then I would go ahead with it, but I would cut this person out of my life afterwards. She sounds horribly entitled and why would you want to be friends with someone who can treat a child so nastily? You don't need someone like that in your life. Having a child with special needs does not mean that you can then act like Queen Bee for the rest of your life.

"I think that the woman was very wrong to hassle you, and that issue is in the past. I can see your friends point re the joint party and I think I would accept that this woman is coming, I would like you find it very upsetting given her rudeness but would be polite,if she is rude she will show herself up."

This is more or less what I think, I would go ahead with joint party, you will see if she decides to come, whether there is any way to defuse this, both for the children, & for the oil on water effect, as this is a situation that will pursue you repeatedly in your large circle of friends, It may become very hurtful for you & your DC if things fall apart. Yes, Everyone can make new friends, but It's not nice to be ostracized, & it could happen. Be the bigger person. If she doesn't come she will have to deal with her own actions.

And for what it's worth, this is what is wrong with texting... people don't talk

Invite her to the party.

Be the perfect host. Smiling and even try and engage with her while others are around.

Let her try and be a twat in full view of the others .

Let her not invite your child to events because she will just look like the big knob head she is.

Why can one of the other mums not bring her child? Or the dad? Then you wouldn't need to have her there. Tbh I don't really see how it would effect you that much having her there anyway. When i host a party there's always so much to do I'm not really hanging around with the guests that much. I'd also like to show her I was the bigger person rather than her thinking I was as petty as she was.

I agree with others - let her show herself up. Be the bigger person.

She's shunned you and your child and you will be seen to be doing neither. She'll look like a twat.

If you make a huge fuss of ensuring she doesn't come, it will be decidedly more murky.

Op knows she could have handled it a lot better, friend should not have hassled her. If you could only afford to give £5 would this have been sufficient for the friend. It dies not sound as though it would be and she might have been hassling for more, which is nit right.

What's going to happen once she starts leaving you out of social events? The others will notice and will question why. She is going to look a complete twat when she gives her reason.

The moment someone named and shamed me, would have been the moment they were crossed off any potential donation list, forever.

Texting a group is like an information service and does not automatically mean a response is necessary. If she had picked up the phone or spoken face to face, then you would have had the opportunity to explain the situation personally. Naming and shaming, like when Bob Geldof named and shamed Adele, is bad form. And for me, draws a line under things.

I suspect if the OP had donated £5, she would have been told everyone else donated much more, and have named and shamed her about that.

Your 'friend' is a bully. Astounded some people seem to think that's ok.

I think you were extremely rude not to reply to the woman's original request. She thought of you as a friend, and I assume you know the child affected? All of this could have been avoided had you replied to the original request, or donated. If a friend of mine had a poorly child and was raising funds to help them, I'm pretty sure I could a scrape a fiver together. She however shouldn't have kept asking after you were blatantly ignoring her.

You are also being unreasonable asking the other woman to become involved, and I think you risk alienating yourself from this group of you continue asking them to chose sides. Be an adult and accept she will be invited to the party. Keep your distance on the day and focus on your child.
This is all a bit pathetic.