To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

[Jomato]

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

You need to be the bigger person here and invite her dc. She probably won't come anyway. She was being unreasonable to keep texting you about a donation, you were unreasonable to keep ignoring her. Fair enough if you couldn't afford to, but you should have told her that. By ignoring her you were basically saying you couldn't give a shit about her child. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel? I can rarely afford to donate to such things either so I fundraise in other ways, sponsored bike ride, sponsored toddle etc. you don't sound like much of a friend to be honest.

If she is invited it won't be me offering an olive branch. I may understand where she is coming from but she completely cut me out and uninvited my child in her initial text regardless of any response i made. I don't need friends in my life who respond like that and can't consider that I may have things happening in my life as well.

'But people are also saying that OP isn't exactly blameless in this either.'

I know you're saying what other people have posted, but the OP didn't answer a text.

How is she to blame when she didn't utter a word??

Unless we're under an obligation to answer all forms of communication regardless of when they are/who they're from (in which case I've got a few choice words to say to the labour party who keep emailing me because I once signed a petition against fox hunting a billion years ago )

Don't let it spoil the party either way OP. Like others have said, you haven't done anything wrong, it's just an awkward situation.

I don't think you should go ahead with the shared party under the circumstances. She has treated you badly and shamed you for no good reason. I wouldn't want anything to do with her again unless she gave a grovelling apology. How awful to send a text and say you're no longer welcome and neither is your child. That's really hurtful. I wouldn't have her at any party I was involved in. I totally agree that you don't need people like her in your life.

I think that the woman was very wrong to hassle you, and that issue is in the past. I can see your friends point re the joint party and I think I would accept that this woman is comming, I would like you find it very upsetting given her rudeness but would be polite,if she is rude she will show herself up.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I wasn't suggesting an olive branch for the sake of re-kindling the friendship, but simply to be on civil enough terms that anything like this that comes up in the future will not be as awkward. That benefits you as much as her and means that the children aren't affected.

I'm coming from the same place DoJo.

I don't see that the Op has done anything wrong. The woman sounds like a pain. You don't keep texting people over and over again asking them to donate to a charity whether its close to your heart or not. You also don't uninvited a child to a party just because someone didn't donate to charity.

I can understand that the other friend doesn't want to get involved in who to invite or not to invite but I also wouldn't fancy being part of it if it means inviting the woman in question along. I would most likely be thinking of alternative party arrangements but I suppose it depends on how much your child has their heart set on a joint party and what others will make of it.

I agree with Bulbasaur and Hassled. Your final post shows a different side of you to your initial ones, which if I'm honest gave me an impression of someone vaguely - precious? When I first read your posts, your failure to close the issue frankly with this woman made me think you felt the whole thing was rather sordid. She was certainly over-invested in the fundraising and acted unreasonably, but her final rejection makes it seem she's taken your lack of donation as a personal slight against her and/or her DS and like others have said, she's so emotionally charged/protective in the face of these disabilities that she wants to shut out anyone that might cause her DS upset.

Yes though, just drop the feud for your friend's benefit. Hopefully you can clear the air and move on.

Most people would have the sensitivity to know that if you didn't donate it was because you couldn't afford it especially as she knows your circumstances. And to keep on hounding you and then this other unpleasantness about the uninviting. That's just awful. I agree with greeneggs.

YABU because the party is about the children, not any of the parents and you are dragging a grown up childish squabble into it.And forcing someone else to take sides.

This. A thousand times this. Why should the mother you're sharing the party with be expected to be dragged into your squabbling with another mum?! It's nothing to do with her if you're shooting daggers at the other mum.
She just wants to enjoy her child's birthday party. Not be dragged into adult fights that have nothing to do with the birthday girl and doesn't want to mar her day which is understandable.
Your 'friend' harassing you for donations is bang out of order though so don't blame you there for wanting nothing to do with her. You either want to or are in a position to donate or not. You don't get 'told' to.
When it comes to the party though, just smile and nod and act civilized even if inside you're thinking you want to rip the biatches head off. Not worth ruining your children's birthday over.

Am I right in assuming this is a party for three year olds? Only if this is the case then I very much doubt either child "has their heart set" on a joint party and instead, will enjoy whatever festivities are arranged.

In the circumstances I would decline the joint party arrangement since it is clear that this will put the currently uninvolved friend right in the middle of an unresolvable situation. She currently has no argument with either of you and I'm sure would prefer to avoid having one.

The comments regarding the other parents problems are not enough to excuse the persistent hassling and her behaviour over an extended period. She did/does not know what hassles the op has and this constant approach of making exceptions because ... Indulges

How is she to blame when she didn't utter a word??

You are responsible for both your actions, and your inactions.

I would say the OP doesn't want the mum there because if she's capable of being so unreasonable about a general donation to a charity and thinks it's OK to take it out on a small child, then she's not above being shitty with her in front of other people at the party.

Aside from it being her DDs birthday party, I'm not sure I'd want to put myself in a situation where I'm trapped with someone I know can behave like that.

Have you kept the texts she sent you?

I think she behaved awfully.

I don't like to sponsor certain types of events and I have found that it's best to be upfront about it. I simply say something along the lines of 'thanks for asking but I'm going to give that one a miss. Hope it goes well'.

It all sounds awful.

I just wanted to add, when I was on my knees financially a couple of years ago, I kept getting hassled for donations. The answer that worked for me was
' I'm afraid I am not on a position to donate to good causes financially, so I donate my time instead. I'm afraid I've chosen my charities for this year,but good luck with your fundraising'

Or similar depending on how formal a situation it is. (- and yes, I do actually donate my time to a few causes dear to my heart, but no one need ever know if you don't, OP)

I think if it was Donation Woman posting here, she'd be torn to shreds.

'You are responsible for both your actions, and your inactions.'

I'm not even sure how that'd work, you're responsible for things you didn't do??

That the OP's to blame whatever she did if she'd made the choice not to donate?

Because going on how the woman reacted to not getting a text, I'm guessing the OP telling her directly that she's not going to cough up wouldn't have gone down that well.

You are so not being unreasonable to not want her there and she obviously doesn't want anything to do with you so why invite her?

She has behaved awfully to you and she uninvited your dd to a party, why the hell you should you be forced to invite someone who cannot behave reasonably

I'm not sure why people are focusing on it being all about the children but excusing her excluding your very young dd after she had been invited

Is there any way you can do a seperate party?

I'm not even sure how that'd work, you're responsible for things you didn't do??

Ok, by that token, here's what the OP did do.

She DID ignore the texts, hence her friend.
She DID make the choice to simply not talk to her friend or be direct.

Really, this argument is as disingenuous as saying that a partner giving the silent treatment or sulking quietly isn't doing anything wrong because they said nothing. Silence says quite a bit, and being ignored can be seen as a snub.

Because going on how the woman reacted to not getting a text, I'm guessing the OP telling her directly that she's not going to cough up wouldn't have gone down that well.

Perhaps, perhaps not. But I think if you were ignored by a friend after trying multiple times to talk to them, you'd be pretty upset too. It's not just like she ignored a text, she ignored multiple texts and emails. If I truly thought a person a friend, I would talk to them and let them know what was going on and wish them luck. In fact, when I've asked for donations, I've had well wishes and "not this time". It's not hard to just be a little courteous.

Again, ex-friend is completely in the wrong. But that doesn't make OP in the right either.

'But I think if you were ignored by a friend after trying multiple times to talk to them, you'd be pretty upset too.'

I definitely wouldn't be sending multiple texts to someone who hadn't answered the first one or two, (unless it was DH who owes me for being married to him for 14 fucking years!) that's her playing mind/control games.

Not answering a general text is nothing like the manipulation going on in an intimate relationship when there's someone using sulking to get their own way/point score.

Even though the OP didn't know the significance of not answering the first text at the time, sometimes it is better not to answer if the answer you'd give is a big FUCK YOU.

It's like you're saying just because the woman has had a shit fit that the OP owes her and should do as she's told.

Uhh, no.