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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:

maz210 · 27/11/2014 13:51

Why not try popping in to her every now and then during the week? That way you can choose when and how long for and you needn't feel bad about saying that you'd rather not have unannounced visitors in case you're napping etc.

I'm usually very much in favour of setting boundaries with over-enthusiastic grandparents but if she's only five minutes away and you're at home all week then I can understand her wanting to see a little more of you both - babies do grow so quickly at this age.

It's a tricky situation but perhaps a flying visit to her here and there would make things easier for everyone.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 14:00

I think YABU. If she's only five minutes away then it is perfectly normal that she would expect to pop in once or twice a week to see her new grand daughter or take her out in the pram. She doesn't sound demanding to me, just a normal grandmother.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 27/11/2014 14:04

I do think its odd that she lives five minutes away and you want to be so restrictive about her visiting and keeping your 'little private family unit' - surely she is part of that family? She doesn't sound demanding at all, just a normal grandmother to me.

Your house/kid, your rules.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 14:07

When you say she 'demanded' to take your five week old baby out, do you mean that she simply 'asked' if she could bring her for a walk or to show off to a couple of neighbours? Again, that's perfectly normal behaviour from a grandmother. She must be very hurt by your attitude and your implication that she's not part of your family unit.

pootlebug · 27/11/2014 14:10

An hour a week isn't that much time with a grandparent who only lives 5 minutes away. I get that you don't want her to pop in - but is there any reason you can't arrange to see her through the week? You can't be at that many groups that it fills all your days, surely?

skylark2 · 27/11/2014 14:11

I think it's a bit sad to only have formal weekly visits when you live so close.

That said, your baby is only 12 weeks old, I can see that you don't want her popping round frequently if you're still in "nap when baby sleeps" mode. I agree with maz that you popping round to see her might work better.

youlookbeautifultonight · 27/11/2014 14:12

Sorry I think yabu. It sounds like you are looking for reasons to dislike her and trying to justify it, she just sounds like a normal grandmother to me. Your daughter is not a 'possession' I think you need to loosen up a bit.

Thehedgehogsong · 27/11/2014 14:13

YANBU, if you want space and time alone with your baby that's your call. Grandparents can be really useful to have on side, but they can also be a right pain if they don't respect boundaries. Over time you might find yourself relaxing a bit. But you shouldn't have to rush yourself into separating from your child or letting people into your home until you feel ready.

Just be aware that its your OH's job to contain his mother, not yours!

lanbro · 27/11/2014 14:13

I can never understand why people don't seem to want their children to have close relationships with gps. My dc see paternal gm 3 times a week as she's retired and loves spending time with them, my own dm sees them once or twice a week as she's working otherwise would see them more

Very sad IMHO, unless there are genuine reasons to keep some distance. My MIL is a great support to me and I enjoy having a cuppa and catch up with her!

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 14:16

There's a difference between 'respecting boundaries' and being pushed out. Telling a loving grandmother who only lives a few minutes away that she can only see her granddaughter for one hour a week is cold and unfeeling.
And his mother is not a lion to be 'contained'.

Badvocinapeartree · 27/11/2014 14:16

What a sad thread!
You may be a mil one day.
I hope your dil/sil is more understanding.

Original poster

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 14:18

My boyfriend owned the house we live in at the moment but we only moved in quickly after a surprise pregnancy! It wouldn't be my choice to live so close to grandparents (my parents included!) but for now, we are here. Im not sure I would include grandparents in my immediate family unit but I do appreciate that I don't come from that a close family so that Is my issues. I dint mean to be so restrictive, it's just that the first two weeks after baby arrived we had grandmother popping in everyday so it just seemed easier to start suggesting a particular day to visit! Is it really normal to have a grandparent pop in twice a week? Take baby out in pram?

OP posts:

Jolleigh · 27/11/2014 14:18

I think YABU. She's 5 minutes away. My mum is a 10 minute walk away, pops in a couple of times a week for an hour, has my DD for a few hours on a Saturday and we all have dinner together on a Sunday.

I don't think it's anything to do with her relationship with your BF if she's coming when he's out...more that her idea of family isn't the same as yours.

Do you find her particularly hard work or something? I'm very family orientated and I think an hour a week is really quite stingy.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 27/11/2014 14:19

My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing

God, whaddabitch.

Original poster

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 14:19

Cold and unfeeling? What? Maybe if I'm saying once a month or year, but once a week??

OP posts:

Badvocinapeartree · 27/11/2014 14:21

My children (who are older now) stay at my pils house every Friday night.
They love it.
My pils also babysit and are welcome anytime (they live about 20 mins away)
They grandchild/grandparent bond can be a wonderful one.
You might be glad of her help one day!

merrymouse · 27/11/2014 14:21

I think it is fine to have a few boundaries, particularly with a baby is this young and while you are on maternity leave. Babies really don't do an awful lot at this stage, so there isn't really much for grandparents to get involved in, therefore I can understand you feeling a bit encroached upon and wanting your DP to be there too.

Hoggle246 · 27/11/2014 14:24

I think once a week for an hour is a little restrictive tbh. My mum lives a 25 min drive away and comes twice a week. I'm happy for her to, even though we're not super close, and am very grateful for the support I've had. Agree with pp that perhaps a compromise is for you to go there instead?

I have a ds and would be mortified and devastated if one day his dp wants me to see him and his child for a one hour pre-planned slot a week.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 27/11/2014 14:25

Is it really normal to have a grandparent pop in twice a week? Take baby out in pram?

Umm, yes! My MIL lives about 200 miles away and my mum still works full time, but when they see the kids they do all sorts, including taking the baby out in the pram.

If I had parents/PIL who lived 5 minutes away I would be like 'come over whenever you want and knock yourself out!

I understand that if to dont have such a close relationship wit our own parents, then it might all seem a bit much, but honestly your OHs mum doesn't sound demanding, just normal. Please don't shut her out.

Doublethecuddles · 27/11/2014 14:27

Is this her first grandchild?
If she is retired she probably wants to feel useful and wanted. I would of thought it perfectly normal that she pops in. She must be thrilled to have a grandchild so close. It is normal to want to take the baby out in the pram. make the most of it and have some " me time"
Remember there will be times in the future when you will need her eg when you are sick and need somebody to take the toddler who is full of energy out of the house for a few hours.

freelancegirl · 27/11/2014 14:28

I think YABU. Once a week for an hour for a grandparent that lives nearby is nothing. I feel sorry for her. Perhaps the once a day thing would be too much but a short visit 2-3 times a week should be fine. Like PP have said you might be glad of the closeness soon for babysitting purposes! If she's a nice person and she sounds like she is, take advantage (in the nicest possible way) of having that support. Some people would love to be able to give a child that close a relationship with their grandparents.

Flexly · 27/11/2014 14:30

Once a week, wow... sorry but YABU.

Neither of my parents live in the country and DH's family are 300 miles away. I'd love to have family so close by - you don't know how lucky you are.

Original poster

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 14:30

Yes first grandchild. Yes I'll be glad of the help and have been when she has helped out already!!! So shocked that a weekly visit to grandparents is seen as unreasonable, I didn't really think the distance from our doors was so important either.

OP posts:

Sunna · 27/11/2014 14:30

YABU and a bit weird. Of course it's ok for a grandmother to see a DGC more than once a week and/or take her out.

KnackeredMuchly · 27/11/2014 14:35

Joining in the yabu chorus. If you want it to be one day - make more of it. Invite her round for an evening - bedtime cuddles, bath time story and bed maybe.

Or lunchtime at your/her house with a little walk.

Why do I feel that in this hour you spend a lot of the time holding/fussing the baby and she gets you a drink etc?

If you only want an hour, why don't you ask her if she can have the baby for an hour whilst you nip and do errands or go home have a bath/shower?

Just let her have a bit more quality time

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