AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

[Shockingundercrackers]

^^ what feck said. I grew up with different boundaries in my family and can't cope with MIL just "popping in" either. In fact, I can't bare it. When we moved 5 mins away from her I used to hide when she did this and pretty soon she got the message and texted or called if she wanted to see me and the baby.

I'll be a MIL one day if I'm very very lucky, and I would expect the same treatment. My sons' houses will not be an extension of my own and my grandchildren will be mine to treat when he DIL (or SIL, who knows?) deem it convenient.

[Fallingovercliffs]

Drink where are all these posters saying it's okay for MIL to pop in 'unannounced'?

[CattyCatCat]

When your daughter grows up and has children would you be happy to be limited to an hour a week?

YES! Because I will be living my own life. I wouldn't want to emotionally force anyone to spend time with me.

Plus there is text, phone calls Skype ....


^^

This, exactly. You should realise that you are imposing if you are calling unannounced. As an older person, I really doubt that i will want to cling onto the coat tails of my children. Of course I will want to see them (and any grandchildren) but I won't be forcing myself on anyone. Nothing wrong with offering to help or inviting to yours but beyond that, wait for an invitation. You have to respect the new family units your children have created.

[EmilyGilmore]

One day you might be a grandmother OP. would you be ok with knowing your child and grandchild were just around the corner but you could only see them for one pre-arranged hour a week.



That said, popping in whenever would not be ok. But you really could squeeze an extra hour to go and see her once a week. You could drop baby off for an hour and go to the supermarket - ideal. I guess it depends how you get on with her but, unless she's really horrible, I'd try to nurture the relationship - use it to your advantage!

[SaucyJack]

"" one of the main reasons for the rise in depressing in fractured families. ie people live far from families and dont see them enough- or get enough "help" ""

If you read the OP's posts she's made it abundantly clear she doesn't want the kind of "help" that involves someone taking her tiny breastfeed

[SaucyJack]

Baby away from her.

[basgetti]

OP doesn't want time to herself away from her 12 week old baby. OP has suggested her BF take baby to HIS mother more often if he wants, but they don't have a close relationship and he isn't interested. OP ensures both sets of grandparents each see the baby at least weekly. Does she really need to be bombarded with sad faces and tales of how others love seeing GPs everyday?

[Fallingovercliffs]

No one's bombarding anyone with sad faces. Many many posters are simply saying that they personally find it sad or unfortunate that some people see grandparents as not part of the family unit, or people against whom firm barriers must be put up. If the OP's DP is also not interested in bringing the baby around to his mum occasionally then that's also an unfortunate attitude.

[fromparistoberlin73]

from a more selfish POV I think OP should invest NOW to get dividends later

baby wont be tiny and BF fporever

[EmilyGilmore]

Was that directed at me basgetti? I made a sad face so presumably it was. I never suggested she wanted time to herself, just that one hour in a week of many hours mightn't be a big deal to her and that in time -( I should have said that) she may find an hour to do the shopping alone very useful.

She implied her MIL was nice and didn't hint at any problems but I'll admit I haven't read the whole thread. Presumably there has been plenty of drip feeding.

I never craved time away either but the odd hour is rather nice and I would think it lovely to have grandparents close by, mine are miles and miles away.

I do NOT think dropping in whenever you please is ok. For one, I am rarely dressed before noon.

[basgetti]

If the OP's DP is also not interested in bringing the baby around to his mum occasionally then that's also an unfortunate attitude.

Or just an accurate reflection of their relationship up to this point. OP says they aren't close.

[Fallingovercliffs]

Well in her opening post she indicated that they were close:
"As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit."
Also the fact that he bought a house 5 minutes away from his parents would again indicate that there were no particular issues between them.
So it seems unfortunate that he now can't be bothered to take their granddaughter around to them once a week.

[2rebecca]

I hate being popped in on so would want to know if someone was coming round and probably wouldn't want to see someone else's parents more than once a week. Agree that if your boyfriend wants to see his mum more than this he can go round there with your daughter. Having children shouldn't mean you give up your privacy and become public property.
I must admit I'd see a man buying a house only 5 minutes away from his parents as a sign that there are issues and he isn't very independent.
If you didn't see his mum all the time before the birth then she can't expect things to change now.
I'd ask her not to pop round but to phone ahead.
I don't see why it's the OP's job to entertain this woman who isn't even her MIL yet. Women shouldn't get dumped with all the people pleasing crap if they don't want it just because men can't be bothered.

[Fallingovercliffs]

"I must admit I'd see a man buying a house only 5 minutes away from his parents as a sign that there are issues"

I find that statement very strange and sweeping.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Right op I have a plan. Unfortunately it means you won't have time to go back to work any more than about 15 hours.

You are going to have to alternate days with all GP's because it has to be fair after all they do live near by.

[Redling]

I'm more surprised at people who dislike their family and friends coming to their houses! But OP if you are uncomfortable with your DPs mother coming more than once a week then there is nothing worse then dreading visits you don't enjoy, and you have a right to say no. I do think it's your issue though and the Grandmother isn't a clingy weirdo for being sad she can't see more of her grandchild. I see my 14 weeks DS very much as part of our whole wider family and have left him with both sets of grandparents for a few hours here and there, my DM has been here on week long visits 4 times since his birth etc. But we are a close family and also inter generational living together etc is normal (DH parents have had their parents and siblings etc living With them, he's one of 4 kids as well so a big family). So I am happy for him to be brought up and be around all the family. I am his mother and Inhave the final say but I have no urge to keep him cloistered away with me. If for any reason on a certain day I wouldn't want a visit I would say. It sounds as if you don't like DHs mother that much maybe? Also want to point out to some PP that it's also not weird to stay in hw town you grew up in and therefore be close to your parents as an adult. I haven't but know plenty people who have, and a close support network can be amazingly beneficial thing with a young baby. I am sorry that neither of our parents live close by. But again, I know when you feel forced to have someone in your home you don't particularly want there it's shit so in that case YANBU, but to think the grandma is being weird YABU.

[2rebecca]

I suppose I moved away from my parents as did most of my friends. All this relatives round the corner and people wanting visits or to be visited several times a week would be too much for me.
I love my extended family but I also love doing lots of other things.
If you'[re for a family where everyone lives in the same town then you may find my attitude strange.
I don't expect my kids to be living round the corner from me when they are adults. Flying the nest doesn't just mean living in the next tree.

[Fallingovercliffs]

It's your automatic assumption that he must have issues if he's bought a house near his parents that I find strange. Some of my family live on the other side of the world, others live down the road, others on the far side of the city. Their choice of location was decided by lots of things - career choices, nationality of partner, house prices etc etc.

[basgetti]

I'm very close to my parents, they are also great GPs and my Mum will be by my side when I have new baby soon. I still wouldn't want them popping in unannounced or feel obliged to see them every week though!

I don't see why it's the OP's job to entertain this woman who isn't even her MIL yet. Women shouldn't get dumped with all the people pleasing crap if they don't want it just because men can't be bothered.

Well said.

[Orangeanddemons]

Have a ds and a dd. I have also had 2 MiL. Both were just normal people. No overstepping boundaries, or toxicity. Just normal. They were welcome to have dc whenever hey wanted.

Ds is now 21. I hope any gf of his never behaves in a way to prevent me from seeing my dc. If it want for my ds, here would be no dc.......

[2rebecca]

The OP isn't trying to prevent her boyfriend's mother from seeing their baby. She just isn't wanting to see her more than once a week. For her the boundary is once a week. If you wanted to go round more than once a week you would be overstepping her boundaries.
The OP isn't stopping her boyfriend going and visiting his mother whenever he wants, he just doesn't want to see her more than once a week.
Men are quite capable of getting off their backsides and visiting their own relatives if they wish. If my son doesn't visit me when he's older it's him I'd be raising this with not any girlfriend he may have. I'm his mother, not hers.

[Fallingovercliffs]

The specific question asked was "Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation?" and a huge number of posters said "Yes, you are".

[Mulligrubs]

Reading this thread you can see who is/will be the MIL from hell. Glad my MIL is fabulous.

[Fallingovercliffs]

I don't often use the words 'passive aggressive' on here Milligrubs, but I will make an exception for you.

[2rebecca]

But that was mainly because they would be happy to do this. The OP isn't happy to do this.
If someone wants to visit their relatives every day I think this is fine, if another person only wants to see them once a month I think this is also fine. I don't see why some people think the OP is being unreasonable because she wants to do something different to them.
To me there is a huge difference between "it's not what I'd do" and "you are being unreasonable".
Some people can't see that.