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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 15:55

I agree Bad. The vast majority of posters have advised OP to cut her mother in law some slack, think ahead to when she's in the same position, MIL is behaving quite normally etc etc

And then we get an offended tirade from OP Confused

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2014 15:56

Nasty? Really?

diddl · 27/11/2014 15:59

I mean even my Ils who neither of us wanted to see got more than an hr a week!

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2014 15:59

OP - you carry on as you are. No idea why you asked. You don't need to allow 'popping-in' if you don't like it. A call first is always reasonable. But if you keep the visits really restricted, don't be surprised if she isn't available when you do need her.

I assume when you resume your career your baby will go to CM or nursery?

basgetti · 27/11/2014 15:59

I don't think YANBU, I don't like people dropping by whenever they feel like it, I find it intrusive. I also wouldn't take kindly to anyone demanding to take my baby away from me at 5 weeks old. If your BF is happy with this level of contact then I don't see why you should have to accommodate more separately to him.

SaucyJack · 27/11/2014 15:59

You assume wrong then Nanny Ogg.

I love my MIL. Not least because she isn't stood right behind me every time I turn round to fart.

Innocuoususername · 27/11/2014 16:01

There are two separate issues here.

On setting boundaries and doing things to your schedule, YANBU. Just popping in would drive me mad. It's not unreasonable to ask somebody to fit in with your plans when you have a small baby.

However, on the nature of those boundaries, YAB a bit U. An hour a week seems a bit mean. What do you let her do in that hour? I can understand not wanting her to take the baby far, but she is your baby's grandmother and unless she is some kind of toxic nightmare they need time to build a relationship.

A cautionary tale for you. A friend of mine was like this with her MIL and her PFB. Didn't let her take her out, limited visits, limited cuddles even! Now she's on DC2, has chilled out and and would welcome a bit more help, her MIL prefers to spend time with her other DIL who was a bit more relaxed and welcoming. Their relationship will probably never recover, and the DCs are not as close to their paternal grandparents as they might have been.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 16:01

Neither is OPs MIL Saucy, nor is she trying to be. She's just looking for more than one hour's contact a week, plus being allowed to take her for a short walk in her pram now and again. Nothing intrusive about that.

MrsDeVere · 27/11/2014 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 27/11/2014 16:04

She wants to 'come and go' from the OP's house as much as she pleases and demanded to take a 5 week old away from it's mother. I would call that intrusive.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:05

MrsDeVere is this normal lol?

OP posts:
Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:06

I didn't say anything nasty about my boyfriends mother! Only that we have differences in expectations! I'm not offended at all. Best advice is definitely to move, thanks for all your help, there was some positives :)

OP posts:
diddl · 27/11/2014 16:07

She wants to pop in as & when, but OP doesn't have to let her, does she?

Likewise the flip side of that doesn't have to be 1hr a week!

LouiseBrooks · 27/11/2014 16:07

I'm not sure I would include grandparents in my immediate family unit

I think this comment is awfully sad. Of course they are. I am assuming from your comment that you didn't have much to do with your own grandparents? She doesn't sound difficult er so I am assuming it is simply because you're not used to this sort of arrangement in your own family.

I can understand not wanting her to just pop in every 5 minutes because I hate that too, especially right now but maybe you could organise times. I would have thought a couple of times a week was perfectly reasonable. Also don't forget she could be a big help when you need her, since she lives so close.

One thing - you haven't mentioned Grandpa? Where does he fit in?

MissHJ · 27/11/2014 16:08

Wow I am not even my mil biggest fan but I would not have her live 5 mins away and only be allowed to see her grandchild one hour a week. She does not sound demanding at all, merely a grandmother who wishes to be a part of her grandchild's life. You are home all week, surely you have time to have a cup of tea with your mil so she can see the baby. It's not completely unreasonable to do that. I feel a little sorry for her to be honest. I hope I don't have a dil who restricts me to a hour a week.

SoonToBeSix · 27/11/2014 16:11

Yabu , how sad your MIL can only see her dg at the appointed weekly time.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 16:12

Basgetti there is no indication that she wants to 'come and go as much as she pleases'. Simply that she'd like to pop in now and again during the week. And asking to take her granddaughter for a walk in the pram isn't 'demanding to take her away from her mother'. She wasn't planning to dash to the airport and abscond with her, or to call social services and demand to be allowed foster the child.

KnackeredMuchly · 27/11/2014 16:12

Best advice is to move?

Not to give up a little more time in your week?

Sad
Purplepixiedust · 27/11/2014 16:13

Sorry OP but I think yabu.

I hour a week is nothing. When my DS was little I visited my mum every couple of days for a couple of hours at a time and made sure we saw my MIL regularly too, either as a family, often involving an invite for dinner at hers or if not DH would pop round with DS if I didn't for at least a couple of hours each week. He sometimes did this to give me a break as DS got older. Less so at 12 wks due to bf. We lived probably a 30 min drive away from them. I got to know my MIL better after having DS and that was good for both of us.

Children cannot have to many people in their lives who love them and it is not unreasonable of your mil to wish to see you all a bit more . The idea of her only seeing her son for an hour a week is sad enough given that you get on and live so close. Perhaps he could pop round with the little one for an hour one evening while you have a bath or something.

I would give anything to be able to chat with my mum or mil again and for them to be able to coo over their grandson. Sadly they have both died so we have became a very small family unit.. Send her round here I would make her welcome!

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 16:14

Anyway, the OP has obviously decided to only hear what she wants to hear, (in this case the minority of posters telling her YANBU) so not sure why she asked for opinions really.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:15

Fallingovercliffs: do you stalk these pages so you can pounce lol?

OP posts:
glentherednosedbattleostrich · 27/11/2014 16:15

The baby is 12 weeks old. When DD was that age she still fed hourly and i hated being away from her for more than a few minutes.

I would probably pop in for a cup of tea once or twice a week and agree that you could be a little more flexible with visiting but there is no reason for some of the thinly veiled venom on this thread.

I'm sure there are things we would all have done differently when our babies were tiny, really doubt any of us can say we are the paragons onf virtue and generosity some seem to expect others to be.

basgetti · 27/11/2014 16:15

My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself.

demanding to take 5 week old baby out

Fallingovercliffs from the OP.

merrymouse · 27/11/2014 16:17

Agree glen.

RandomFriend · 27/11/2014 16:20

YABU. I think you and DD are lucky to have a loving grandmother so close by.

One hour per week when you are five minutes away sounds very little.

Why not try and set something up that works for all three of you? If your BF's mum is willing to take her GD on a regular basis, could you find some time - perhaps a regular time - each week that she could take her? If you could find a time when you would like a break or to do another activity (say, go for a swim or anything that you would like to do for yourself) then perhaps you can find an arrangement that would benefit all three of you?

Deliberately moving away when you have great accommodation sounds odd to me.