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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:
basgetti · 27/11/2014 16:23

The baby is only 12 weeks old. Maybe the OP doesn't want to be away from her on a regular basis, I didn't want to be away from my DS at that age.

freelancegirl · 27/11/2014 16:24

It's weird that about 90% of us have said we think YABU and you should let her visit you more than one hour a week and that fostering a good relationship with her now might be helpful, rather than what currently must feel to her quite hurtful, but you've chosen only to take into the account the few that agreed with you. You obviously dont want to change things so why ask.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:26

I have thought about what's been written and I'll try popping into hers more often in the future but for god sake, we're all different!

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 27/11/2014 16:26

I think the rigidity of the OP is a little bit unfair on Granny.

Once weekly visits, only when partner is there, only for an hour?

She must feel incredibly unwelcome?

We lived literally 90 seconds from my in-laws until very recently and when DS arrived MIL would pop in most days after work [she does an early shift], but I did ask her to drop me a text and wait for a reply in-case we were sleeping. Occasionally we were asleep, or some days we were out but I had no issue if it was convenient for me for her to pop in on her way home.

I loved how excited she was to see DS and it actually cemented our relationship as prior to that (despite me being with her DS for 5 years) we hadn't had all that much to do with each other?

I don't think grandparents have a God given right to drop in whenever they feel like it, and yes it's up to the parents BUT I do think it's a shame to have an enthusiastic relative near-by who just wants to spend time with their grandchild and no concessions are being made?

Bragadocia · 27/11/2014 16:27

Well, I am in the 1% that thinks YANBU. I can't imagine actively wanting to spend time with my MIL without my partner there too. It might be easier for you to grin and bear it when you DD is a few months older and sitting up and though, and more playful. Then you could try inviting MIL around, and leave them too it on the living room floor, while you get a few things done.

Half of MN seem to never ever answer the front door, and the other half have it permanently ajar so that people can pop by… Wink

OP's has only been a parent for 12 weeks. It's haaarrrd.

MiaowTheCat · 27/11/2014 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunna · 27/11/2014 16:28

How does your boyfriend feel? Maybe he likes living near his family. Maybe he wants his mother to see more of his child.

It isn't solely your decision to make.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 27/11/2014 16:28

Mmm. Agree with you on the popping in as I hate people doing this. Agree if you dont want her to take your baby out then that's absolutely fine too.

The trouble here are huge differences in how you were brought up and how she was brought up and you are polar opposites.

To move forward you will both need to shift a bit. You need to pop in on her more than once a week for an hour and she needs to accept that you don't want her popping in lots or taking the baby out just yet.

It's not about you as you are adults! It's about your baby.

It's a really tricky relationship and I thank The Lord I have 2 girls as well as 2 boys.

Mind you I am a bit Hmm about your boyfriend. Be careful he isn't just shoving it all into you.

I would also be very upset if my sons didn't want me to see a much loved grandchild a little bit more often than an hour a week.

SaucyJack · 27/11/2014 16:31

Sunna..... If the boyfriend wants his daughter to spend more time with his mum, then he could always get his finger out of his bum hole and take her himself. What with him being a grown man an'all.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 27/11/2014 16:32

I would also be very upset if my sons didn't want me to see a much loved grandchild a little bit more often than an hour a week

i think the body has it here.

lots of men do this, foist their mothers onto their other halves when they dont have to be there.

iamEarthymama · 27/11/2014 16:34

Three bets you will be posting in a few years time

"Mean MIL will not babysit for us! We only want to go to a child-free wedding for a long weekend 6 hours drive away. She has seen our little one for one whole hour each week since she was born so of course, she knows all the routines and all her little ways. I can't understand why the old bat is worried about it. She is so nasty and demanding. I will go NC!!"

Thankfully my daughter and daughter in law know I would lay down my life for my grandchildren and I am encouraged to see them whenever it is convenient for all of us!

If I am being harsh, I do apologise but I think you need to try to imagine this from your Mil point of view. She loves her son, she sounds as though she likes you and there is a tiny baby who is related to her, who she wants to love and protect. Who will you turn to if you and your partner are ill, in an accident, need some help and support? Build those bridges now.

Don't encourage just dropping in, I understand you don't want that, I am the same, but go out for coffee, meet at the town centre and do some shopping, go have your haircut while your Mil walks around with the baby. If she is nice you will make a friend, you have lots in common; there are 2 people who you both love very much.

RandomFriend · 27/11/2014 16:34

basgetti you are right, perhaps OP doesn't want to be away from DD at all just yet. But perhaps she would like 20 minutes to herself to enjoy a bath, or something like that? OP could get the GM to pop in to her convenience, rather than keeping the contact so short.

A grandmother so close by that is willing to help sounds great to me. I never had this, so maybe I have an unrealistic view of the dynamics.

ineedausername · 27/11/2014 16:39

I see my MIL everyday, she is immensely helpful with the kids. We've always had an open door to them, but when they were younger I would always text and say who was awake as she was conscious of not disturbing us ( I even used to nap on the sofa when baby was young while she entertained my eldest)
My partner and his sister often ask me about their own mums plans as I'm the one she talks to most. I love the relationship between my children and their granny.

Bowlersarm · 27/11/2014 16:44

YABU.

You've made me quite depressed OP.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 27/11/2014 16:44

Gosh some of the responses on this thread are ridiculous!

There is nothing in the OP to suggest that the MIL just wants to use the baby 'play dollies'. So she wants to take her grandchild out in the pram every now and then - wow, what a demanding, toxic bitch Hmm

Babies are not possessions. They are little humans who benefit hugely from love and attention from all of the people who love them, not just their mother.

Ill be honest, I'm not crazy about my MIL, she pisses me off in no end of ways. But I have never kept her at a distance from my kids because they don't deserve to miss out on love from one of their close family members who love them dearly. As a result they are crazy about her, and she is one of the 'special people' in their lives. I don't understand why people would deny their kids that, because 'the baby is mine not hers'.

FIL is an entirely different kettle of fish and that story is waaaay too long for this thread!

Bulbasaur · 27/11/2014 16:45

I get irritated if someone pops by unannounced. We found a compromise that if they want to pop by they have to call ahead so I have time to take a shower and stop doing what I'm doing.

I do make rules not to stop by during working hours though since I work at home, I need to get stuff done and can't be entertaining company.

An hour is a short time. My parents only see DD once a month (sometimes more if they pop up here instead of having me travel). But they get her for a few days or they spend the afternoon with us.

CPtart · 27/11/2014 16:46

I'm on the fence with this one. My own DM lives ten minutes away but we can often go 3 or 4 weeks without seeing her, it was the same when the DC were babies too so I don't really know any different. On the other hand the feeling of just being left to get on with it was hard, a little more help would've been appreciated so be careful not to risk losing that.
It would seem reasonable to allow your MIL to see her grand daughter a bit more often, but always on your terms..I don't get with the "popping in" either, it would drive me nuts.

BorderBinLiner · 27/11/2014 16:50

Nothing is fixed in stone is it?

If I was sleep deprived, trying to establish feeding or baby had just moved into a new unpredictable stage than an hour is probably 60 minutes too long.

If your 12 week old baby has never slept through, your stitches have only just healed and your home looks like a bomb's hit it - You are certainly not being unreasonable you're just keeping your head above water - this will all pass I promise.

Babies don't build relationships at 12 weeks old, all that stuff is nonsense. You can build a relationship with your MIL, remind her what tiring time this first year can be and tell her your looking forward to the future going to the park/feeding the ducks/popping round after school lie if you have to.

Look after yourself and build a foundation for the future.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:52

My boyfriend isn't particularly close to his mother, he lived away from home for years bought the house near but didn't see her often. Since I've became pregnant we've visited regularly but definitely not more than once a week!

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 16:52

Know AllGrace, where am I 'stalking the pages'. You seem to resent anyone coming on here who has a different opinion to you.

Treeceratops · 27/11/2014 16:56

I see where you're coming from. DS is MIL's only grandchild so far. To start with I found her wanting to see him so much overwhelming. I didn't get is as DH is much closer to her than I am to my DM. BUT, she has been having DS for an afternoon a week since she retired (he's 1) and he has a brilliant time with her and I get some time to do what I want for a change. I'm not a 'popping in' type either. Maybe you could explain to her that what with feeding etc it's easier to plan visits, up it to twice/three times a week and build up to her taking the baby for a bit during one of those visits?

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 16:58

Fallingovercliffs You're making me uncomfortable. I was only shocked by name calling etc as I wasn't derogatory in my op, was just putting it out there in terms of reasonable contact with grandparents

OP posts:
BooDidIScareYou · 27/11/2014 16:58

I am really quite confused. I have no DCs so perhaps I don't get it (prepares to be flamed) but IMO OP it's for you and your BF to decide how much time someone spends at your house / with your daughter. Do grandparents really have 'rights' that overrule how the parents might want to do things? Really?

DP and I are very private people, neither of us spends a huge amount of time with either set of parents, and even if we lived round the corner from his / my parents I still can't see us wanting anyone 'popping in' regularly or being obliged to otherwise to spend more time with them than we wanted to, baby or no baby. It would feel intrusive to me. I accept that that might mean we didn't have their support when we needed it in future, but that would be our choice surely? Not everyone is comfortable with the sort of relationship your MIL seems to want, I don't think I would be, I like privacy and a sense of security in my own home which I wouldn't get if other people were in and out all the time!

Maybe it's because I don't have kids and don't come from a close family, but to me YANBU to feel the way you do.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 17:00

To me 'popping in' doesn't necessarily mean arriving unannounced. A phone call or text to say 'is it okay if I pop around later this afternoon to see you and DGD' or 'Are you around tomorrow morning if I drop over for an hour'? is perfectly reasonable behaviour. It doesn't have to be about MIL turning up on the doorstep anytime she feels like it. And, as I said before, asking if she can take the baby out in the pram for a short walk isn't 'demanding' that she takes the baby, it's a normal request from a grandmother.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 17:02

I haven't called you names allGrace. I said it was cold and unfeeling to limit your MIL to one hour a week. Personally I find it unfair that you would ask for people's opinions and then tell people who said you were being unreasonable 'nasty'.