AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

Absolutely 2rebecca

It always falls to the wimen to thrash out relationship boundaries.

[Fallingovercliffs]

It's not that simple 2rebecca. Some of us are also seeing it from the MIL's point of view and feel she is being treated unfairly. The OP did ask.

[diddl]

Tbf, I should think that quite a few mums don't see their adult children & partners that often especially if both/all work.

But when a GC comes along, of course they'll want to visit more.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think I'd be happy if she was coming every day or even every other day. But I think it's a bit harsh to restrict her to once a week for an hour. That does seem a bit mean. Could you not suggest that she take her to one of those mums and tots mornings and then you would have a break and she'd be doing something with her grandchild.

[gemdrop84]

I was the first grandchild and my grandad used to take me out in my pram at least an hour a day, he absolutely loved it apparently and it gave mum some time to rest or go shopping with my grandma. They lived around the corner from us and eventually me and my sisters started to sleep over every Friday after school from the age of 5 til I was 15. They doted on us and I miss them dearly. Just thought I'd post this so you could see it from the grandchild/grandparent relationship point of view.

[MATB1]

My best friend's mum is a gem. She helps her out so much. When her 3 DC were each born she didn't friend's washing for a couple of weeks and pottered in the background cleaning or tidying or getting food shopping in for her. She didn't invade/impose and has always maintained she's a mother first and grandmother second. It's not all about her.

When my mum comes over, it's like having a guest. She makes mess rather than tidies. She flounces if DC are napping, she gets them all hyped up, she ignores me and DH. It's all about her.

I suspect op's MIL is more like my mum than my friend's mum. It's really hard to deal with. It doesn't make for comfortable time together.

[Kab13]

Did I read somewhere on this thread that grandparents love their grandchildren as much if not more than their own children?
As much, yeah.
More? Seriously?
If my mil ever suggested she loved dd more than she loved dp I don't think I'd ever want to see her again!
Back off my baby syndrome!
I think a lot of people who say YABU have in laws who don't, can't and won't help/ visit often and envy a situation they've never been in therefore don't understand.
Always want what you don't have etc.

[MistressDeeCee]

Sounds very formal for a family set up. She's not a mate. At least she cares about her grandchild. If you don't want her popping around all the time then sometimes you can say you'll be out at mother & baby group, or whatever.

What about the relationship between DC & grandmother as the years go by? It will be nice if they're close..its about your DC too, not just you. Im thinking there must be another reason why you sound so very restrictive but I guess you know why..it does sound a bit passive aggressive tho. You'll be glad of her help with babysitting. & if she is elderly she won't be here forever, will she?

I don't get on with my mum but she loves my DDs and has been a good grandmother to them..when they were younger I stepped back and left them to it. When she was around it meant I could pop upstairs and have a sleep. No need to sit there and engage in it all, is there. Rest is much needed when you have babies..

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

She isnt restricting her to anything!!!

Her dp can take the baby when he wants be he can't be arsed so it's left to op to facilitate the 'bonding' when actually it's not her responsibility.

[bouncingbelle]

You are being SO unreasonable!! My mother sees her granddaughter almost every day mon-fri and would be heartbroken to be restricted to an hour once a week!! Yes, often it's just to take the baby out in the pram while my sister tidies up/catches up on sleep/cooks etc but still! What's wrong with you popping in for a cuppa and to let your mil get a cuddle!!!