AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

I can kind of see you setting your time alone with your baby OP but I have to say I'm sick right now. I thank god I wasn't restrictive with mil when dd was born as I really need the help now and it's easier that dd and mil know each other a bit.

i wouldn't trust my parents... it's not all about inlaws

Yah MASSIVELY U. Hugely!

You need to get over yourself. You are pushing your childs grandparent out and showing your children she is not a part of your life. You will reap what you sow.

My mil didn't meet my child until he was 5! Even then she blows very hot and cold and we see her maybe twice a year. Luckily he has a lovely relationship with my mother, so be bloody grateful for what you've got and remember she is still your boyfriends mother and your childs grandmother. You are not some isolated unit, but part of a larger family whether you like it or not.

Some very sad posts on here. Yes, occasionally a MIL will be so difficult or unpleasant that regular contact is not possible.
But the OP's MIL sounds like a perfectly normal, loving grandparent who simply wants to be a regular part of her grandchild's life. All this talk of 'setting boundaries', 'containing her' etc is really horrible.
I have some lovely memories of time spent with grandparents. I am so glad I didn't have a selfish mother who treated me like some kind of a doll that Santa had brought her and she wasn't willing to 'share' with anyone else.
Just because someone gets married or moves in with a partner and has a child, doesn't stop their mother from still being an important and ongoing part of their life. When your DD has children are you just going to be happy to completely step away from the family bar one short supervised visit, given grudgingly, once a week?

This is ridiculous.

One of the key sentences in your OP - 'This would be my boyfriend's preference too...'

You're both adults, you have a right to spend your time as you please. This is only arising because you live so unusually close by - lots of people live hundreds of miles from grandparents, and thus a weekly visit would be very unusual.

What is right is what suits you. If that's not ideally what gran wants, that just is tough - it shouldn't be the case that both of you live a life that isn't what you want just to give someone else the arrangement they want out of you. That can't be workable.

My suggestion would actually be to move. Live a couple of towns away, and this problem sorts itself, as what would be seen as a 'normal' frequency of visiting would then accord with what you'd like.

My dd says she loves nana more than me, luckily I can see its because nana spoils her and dd loves that!! Dd will always be my little girl though, even though my mum says 'ooh your MY little girl aren't you!' (In a jokey way when she's leaving our home) and dd laughs her head off and screeches 'noooo!' I feel like if some mil of an mnetter said this there would be total uproar. I suppose for people who had no relationship with grandparents it's hard to see how kids can love their grandparents so much and have a fulfilling relationship with them as well as with their own parents. Parents are the primary caregivers but there can be other special people in a child's life. It's ok to have that. Your mil is your boyfriends mum, he was once her little baby and it's horrible to think that just because he's grown up she should not want anything to do with him or his life, and his life is you and your dd.

Tiny tear, I do see your point about being elderly and health problems etc, totally get that. But my ils and parents were only 48-53 when my eldest was born.

frankly I don't think yabu at all except for the one hour bit, if she is only seeing baby once a week then you may need to relax that and allow a bit longer

however for the rest then yanbu, my parents live 8 miles away and see dd once a week and fil lives about 5 miles away and sees her once a week normally and occasionally twice a week if dsc's are here too. dd was 6 months old before I left her alone with my mum and fil had her for an hour yesterday for the first time. however he is deaf and in his 80's so he himself hasn't felt comfortable til now. she has not been left overnight with anyone and is now 15 months.

it is yours and your bf's child, if this is the relationship you both want then his mum will have to deal with it. although as other posters have said perhaps he could take the baby over for an hour after work in an evening so you can have a bath/read a book/have a quite hour?

I do think some posters are being unnecessarily nasty to you!

Gosh yes, move away OP so that your MIL won't get to see her grandchild on a regular basis. Actually, maybe don't leave any forwarding address. That should solve the problem nicely.

Is it really normal to have a grandparent pop in twice a week? Take baby out in pram?

Yes. But I'm welcomed. I take one DGC to toddler group and another to nursery. If they're free I might be invited round and I'm usually available to help if needed (but if not, can sort out another time).

I am very close to all my DGC with the blessing of their parents. I still have my own things to do but I love it that I don't have a formal, restricted time with them.

You are allowed to set boundaries with anyone in your life. Maybe the OP's boundaries are unnecessarily strict, but it sounds as though she has suddenly found herself in a new family by virtue of giving birth - and she is struggling a bit.

It sounds as though there is a little history here looking at the second sentence of the second paragraph. I agree the OP perhaps could benefit a little from loosening up a bit, but I don't think she is selfish or cold - just overwhelmed.

allgrace- sounds like perfectly normal grandmothering to me. She's not some random woman who pops in off the street- she is your child's flesh and blood. Of course your child's parents (Ie you and your BF) are the most important people in her life but her other relations are very important to her as well, and will become increasingly so over the years. I think it is lovely for your daughter to have a grandmother who is both interested and nearby. So many children don't have that luck. This parenting is easy relatively right now, but it will become harder in some ways (in terms of the amount of time you have for yourself) as time wears on, and your MIL has the potential to become one of your greatest allies on this journey, if you let her.

I think she is lucky to know she has a regular once a week visit. No its not that normal to take a small baby away from its mother when the mother doesn't want it. Its normal for a small baby to be with its mother unless the mother asks for a break.

It's a two-way street. Or it should be.

So basically, I'd say yes, YABU. When we had our first child (first grandchild all round) all our parents were working still and were relatively unwilling to be grandparents at all.

My DH's parents have only met my 12 month old 3 times. This upsets me massively, they claim to adore her and to want to be in her life but never actually bother. I would love for them to want to pop in and help out. My own DM lives 200 miles away. We have a very difficult relationship but when we're staying in her area (no room to actually stay at hers) she sees DD every day. I find this difficult (she is fairly toxic) but suck it up for the sake of DD because she adores granny. An hour a week sounds very rigid and controlling.

YANBU whatsoever.

It is your life, your home, your baby! Once a week is perfectly fine if that is what you want.

You will never get this time back, ever and if you want to spend more time with your baby and your DP that is absolutely understandable. (Speaks from bitter experience).

Going against the grain YANBU, I wouldn't want family popping in more than once a week no matter how far or close they lived. It's nothing to do with how much I like them or dislike them, people need space and time to themselves.

OP, I'm a grandmother but I agree with you. I am very careful to avoid being a nuisance to my daughters in law - but then, I have a life of my own, so it isn't hard. I'm not sitting around waiting to involve myself in their lives. I don't feel entitled to push prams or hold babies - I did all that, and loved it, with my own - so I do what my children and their partners find helpful. Quite often, that does involve pram-pushing or baby-holding but it's their call.

I will never forget those early days with my first baby when my otherwise pleasant mil wanted to visit all the time...it was hell. I felt as though my home wasn't my own. I still hate it when people just "pop in" - I'm actually very sociable but I dread being caught on the hop.

At that early stage, I just wanted time with my baby, time together as a new little family, and time to see my friends. What I had instead was parents in law who "popped in" every single weekday evening, after work, while we were trying to have dinner, get the baby bathed and fed, and settled. Oh, and we were "invited" - but it was a summons really - to their house every Sunday afternoon. On the odd occasion when we tried to break the pattern, they would be huffy - it was a constant source of stress.

And then on her day off, mil expected to spend the afternoon with me, no matter what. It was no help - I didn't want to off-load my baby, I was just learning the ropes myself and I certainly didn't need someone watching me breastfeed while she repeated that bottle feeding would be easier because then "other people could help".

In the end, we moved away. It became unbearable, we had to explain our every move, and they refused to take our wishes into consideration - it was what they wanted to do which counted.

Don't listen to posters who tell you you're spoiling a potentially wonderful relationship with gps. Our relationships improved all round once we moved and as the children got older, they were very close to their grandparents.

You have a mil whose controlling tactics already involve taking to her bed "ill" when her son doesn't pay attention to her - I'd be very very careful to nip that sort of nonsense in the bud.

Yanbu.
She lives 5 minutes away, but I wouldn't say she's any more entitled to see you more often just because it's more convenient.
Once a week is fine, maybe just randomly pop by if you are waking by.
I think it's the expectation of regular visits that is bothering you. If it happens it happens, if not so what?

YABU, is your relationship with her very difficult or strained?

My in-laws live a 15 minute walk away, and pop in two or three time a week, as we do with them also. We often go out for an afternoon with them, and regularly they come to us for Sunday lunch, or we go there. They also do lots of baby sitting for us, and take the DCs for the odd day out.

As a result, my DCs have a very close and loving relationship with them. I wouldn't think it all odd if they came over when my DH was out, they are part of my family too.

Where her mother in law is not trying to take over the baby, or move in, or seek custody. She just wants to see her baby granddaughter more than once a week and to be allowed take her for an occasional walk.

All families are different - some live on top of each other and some hardly see each other. If you don't like yur in laws then I can see you wouldn't want them popping round. - BUT, your child has a right to know their Grandparent - whether you like them or not.
One hour a week is no time at all to build a bond & relationship with a grandchild - especially if you have had a close family yourself.

My Grandchild lives 5 minutes walk away - I would never just pop round - I always ask my DiL if it is ok first - but from him being born I have spent time with him at his house,..took him out lots of times for walks - gone round to bath and get him ready for bed.,...and as a result he is totally happy to be left with me if his parents go out.

It is lovely for a baby to know lots of family members - and it is good for the parents too to be able to leave their child knowing he is happy.

I think some people, who have had a genuinely difficult time with in laws, are projecting on here. The OPs MIL doesn't sound controlling or pushy or OTT, just normal.

Don't let anyone bully you into handing your newborn baby over when you're not comfortable. 12 weeks is very tiny to be away from their mum.

She isn't a dolly for your MIL to play with.

I like my in laws to pop in. The children get fussed over and I have a break. Then everyone is much more relaxed about babysitting as they all know each other well and I get another break. My mil takes care not to interfere and is really helpful.

Mind you, I didn't feel that way when I first had ds nor before I had children. I hardly knew her and wouldn't have dreamed of popping in for coffee. It was spending time with her after I had children that was the key.

Ok she might struggle all day with a couple of toddlers. But once you are back at work there might be some kind of emergency where you desperately need local help (giving birth to your second?). So nurture the relationship while you can, I say...

Gosh, she's a 'bully' now for wanting to pop in and see her granddaughter or take her out occasionally in the pram.
No she's not a 'dolly' to be kept in a box, she's a member of an extended family and her grandmother would like to get to know her and be a part of her life.