Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:
Looserella · 27/11/2014 15:31

I think it's the popping in without warning that is irritating. Or just passing by and peering in the front window to see if I'm in. Mine used to do this and I absolutely hated it. They know to phone in advance now.

MaybeDoctor · 27/11/2014 15:32

I think some posts have been quite hard on a first-time mother who is in the immediate postnatal period.

'spiteful', 'need to loosen up' - is that helpful, really?

I suggest that, when you see her, just set a time for the next time you would like to see each other. Hopefully that will be enough of a hint.

I also do think that relationships shift and adjust as a new baby comes along. Emotions are heightened after birth and you might find that this all looks different in a couple of months time.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 15:35

True, Maybe but it's also not helpful for people who have issues with their own ILs to be telling the OP to set rigid boundaries, move house, etc etc.

slithytove · 27/11/2014 15:35

I hate people, anyone, popping in, so Yanbu on that front.

I do think though that if your mil likes it, you could pop in on her at your convenience.

I also feel that an hour feels short and overly regimented. Can you just have a regular afternoon at yours and build it into your weekly schedule like a baby group? Perhaps do it twice, once for mil to be with you and dd, once for mil to babysit so you can get bits done?

I know where you are coming from, but I would welcome this now as I have a toddler as well as a 10 week old, and it so difficult getting anything done! They never sleep at the same time.

Just consider changing your viewpoint slightly. Personally I wouldn't want mil there at the weekends as opposed to midweek, as I see weekends as family (my nuclear family) time barring one off visitors.

slithytove · 27/11/2014 15:36

I do think thought that at 12 weeks I'm wouldn't be happy with anyone taking dd out without me yet, and she is my ptb! But we are breastfeeding.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 15:38

Thanks for all the messages! I guess it's an emotive subject. Just to clear up a few points:

  1. when I said an hour this isn't a set time - just a natural period before we all agree to move on with our day!
  2. once a week people, not once a year!
  3. I seriously need to move!!!!
OP posts:
Lima1 · 27/11/2014 15:38

YABU, I would love if my DH parents took an interest in our kids. At the moment they see them once a week because he brings them to their house for 1-2 hrs. Only for that I honestly dont know when they would see them, or if they would care. Last week DD (almost 7) asked her nanny when she could have a sleep over and she replied "next summer" because for some reason it cant happen in the winter/spring!!
Before I went back to work my mam would see the kids 3/4 times a week. I have a very close relationship with my parents and I think it is great. DH doesnt have the same relationship with his parents and neither did his parents with their parents so to them once a week is more than enough. He has been told at times not to call over as another sibling would be there and it would be too much. His parents are only mid 50's.
I feel sad that my kids love their paternal grandparents so much but they care so little about our kids.
Your BF's mam sounds like she is thrilled with the baby and probably wants some company. Maybe you are being a bit harsh on her.

SaucyJack · 27/11/2014 15:39

It's other people on here who are bullies Falling

FWIW the only person who ever asks to take my baby out for a game of dollies and prams walk is my eight year old....

Just give her the empty pram with a teddy shoved in if she wants to traipse up and down the garden with it.

PuppyMonkey · 27/11/2014 15:39

An hour though? That's not a proper visit op - barely time to take her coat off and have a cup of tea. What do you do, put the timer on and then show her the door.

I understand you don't want her popping round all the time just because she lives nearby. But really one hour is awful.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 15:40

Yes, we know it's once a week OP, and some of us think that's not very generous when you live so near.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/11/2014 15:41

It's fairly normal. Smile

There will come a day when having grandparents living close by whom your child is familiar with and happy to spend time with will be a blessing[particularly when they have the lovely leg clinging phase]. Ask yourself now, who would look after your PFB and where would they sleep if you had a second child? How scary would that be for your PFB if you had to be in hospital for any period of time and they don't really know their GDP's, and their GDP's haven't got a clue of their likes and dislikes.

Maybe she overstepped your mark at the beginning but 1 hr a week must feel very little.

Don't you ever want to pop to the shops by yourself, get a quick haircut, go for a drink, do something other than a babygroup like the gym? There are plenty of ways to work in some contact time without having to make strained and polite conversation with someone you clearly don't have a very close relationship with. Even if you take advantage of the visit to sort through outgrown clothes [probably piles already at 12 weeks] for storage.

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 15:41

Where I live Saucy I regularly see grandparents out pushing prams and buggies. It's a lovely sight and they are lucky children to have grannies and granddads who love spending time with them. There's nothing unusual about it, it's family life.

Jessbags001 · 27/11/2014 15:44

I think you're getting a bit of an unfair flaming here! It's not always easy figuring out what's ok and what's not as you merge families, especially as a new mum. OP is asking for help and hasn't actually said anything nasty!

So I'd say YANBU, but then it doesn't sound like she is either; there's just a mismatch of two perfectly reasonable ways to run a family.

You aren't saying she's a nightmare or a horrible person, just that you don't like the 'popping in' thing. Which is fine. But it's understandable that she wants to see you more as she lives so close. You just need to find a compromise. And to be honest, this is way easier than living far away and having to figure out times to visit/sacrificing all your time off and £ to spending with someone other than your partner and kids!

I'd do as another poster suggested and pop in on her occasionally if you don't like being surprised. Maybe say that perhaps the arrangement could be that way around so that she doesn't disturb you napping or something.

And if you don't want someone else taking your baby out in the pram then that's ok and your prerogative, just do things all together. You don't need to be separated from your baby if you're uncomfortable with it. But it's really worth allowing a good relationship to develop between your children and their grandparents, and it's wonderful to see the bond when they're a bit older. Everyone who has a loving relationship with your kids is a bit more love in their lives, and that's got to be worth a bit of compromise on your part :-)

titchy · 27/11/2014 15:45

One hour a week?! 52 hours a year. Blimey - imagine how you'll feel when your baby dd is an adult and you are only allowed 52 hours a YEAR with your grandchild?

You do realise that if you move a long way away you'll have for for entire weekends, three or four times a year? FAR more than 52 hours. Give the poor woman a break and make some bloody effort. Or get your dp to. I mean seriously the baby yoga teacher probably sees more of your dd than her grandmother FFS.

Wilf83 · 27/11/2014 15:45

This is what happens when you live so close to a family member.

Abra1d · 27/11/2014 15:46

I would let her take the baby out for walks in the pram. One a hour a week seems a bit restrictive.

SASASI · 27/11/2014 15:46

YANBU

I hate people dropping in, even if it's just a text half an hr before hand I'm happier so I get it.

In a similar situation but MIL arranges visits with DH due to her & I having previous issues. The thought of bring alone with her breaks me out in a cold sweat & her visits just stress me out.

But if you generally get on I agree, arranging a visit to go see her once a wk would be gd as it's on your terms, leave when you want etc.

It's hard!! There is no right or wrong but some middle ground would obviously please her.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 27/11/2014 15:47

Wow i wish my kids grandparents would take more of an interest and I would be eternally greatful of any support so in my eyes Yabu

diddl · 27/11/2014 15:49

So you currently see her once a week with your boyfriend for an hr?

would it really be too much to add another hr in somewhere without him?

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 15:50

This is my first post and I'm quite shocked! I didn't write anywhere that I didn't want grandmother to be in my daughters life, I was asking for thoughts. Name calling? Not what I thought this site was about. Grandmother was the first visitor when my daughter was born 12 weeks ago, sees her regularly and will continue to be a positive influence in her life. Give me a break, I'm a first time mother and didn't realise I had to unlock my door to meet the needs others as well as bf, sleep deprivation etc! What Nast comments

OP posts:
Badvocinapeartree · 27/11/2014 15:51

No one has been nasty.
You asked for opinions and you got them...they just aren't the ones you wanted to hear!

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 15:52

You asked for opinions and you got them. Why did you post if you didn't want people's views on your visiting arrangements with MIL?

diddl · 27/11/2014 15:52

If she only sees you all once a week for an hr, that's not much imo.

Doesn't mean that she has to come around whenever she wants for as long as she wants either!

Badvocinapeartree · 27/11/2014 15:53

You've gotta love Aibu though :)
Op: Aibu?
99% of posters: "yes"
Op: " no I'm not you are all mean and nasty!"
Sigh....

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2014 15:55

Noot addressed to the OP.

The baby is 12 weeks. The OP has already left her to go to a wedding (this isn't a criticism), so letting her out for a bit of a walk isn't too much surely?

And Saucyjack - I assume you don't like your MiL very much?