AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

[merrymouse]

I think it will seem less awkward in a few months when your baby is more active. Little babies tend to come with mothers firmly attached, and if you are suddenly having to have a quite intimate relationship with somebody you don't know very well, at a time when you might be feeling quite vulnerable, I can see why you would feel uncomfortable.

With an older baby/toddler having a local entertainer on tap will probably seem a lot more attractive. An hour a week at the moment doesn't seem very long, but how much is your BF doing to facilitate grandparent meet ups - couldn't he be doing something like taking your DD round there for breakfast on a Saturday so you get an uninterrupted lie in?

[Quitelikely]

OP stop being spiteful. Let the woman take the baby for a walk. Seriously what mother doesn't appreciate a little break during the week!

And a 1 hour visit, really?

Imagine how much you love your dd, then imagine when she has a dd, imagine her refusing you a visit or restricting access to 1 hour per week.

Seriously I hope it happens to you

[tinkerbellvspredator]

Our families live further away so we see one side once a month and the other about 3 times a year. However they stay with us so for example the once a month (or slightly less depending how things pan out) is a long weekend 40+ hours. Your MIL only gets 4 hours a month.

[DragonMamma]

Another one saying YABU

One hour, once a week when you live that close? I think that's mean and tight of you. An hour is nothing!

How will she ever have a good relationship with your DD seeing her just 60mins a week.

Living that near I would expect to see her at least 2-3 times a week for a couple of hours.

As pp said, there's setting boundaries and being odd.

[NotYouNaanBread]

YABU. And from a selfish point of view, is your 12 week old baby such a docile creature that you NEVER want a break? Ever? Even when there is a willing and able family member just five minutes away who is just DYING to take the baby out for a little walk and give you a break?

I understand that you are new to having a baby, and you probably don't know your boyfriend's mother very well yet, but a grandmother is very much a member of the immediate family unit, and as for it being "normal", well, for many families, "normal" is having the grandparents living with you.

Most grandparents would feel that 1 hour of supervised access a week to much loved grandchildren would be a very sad situation indeed.

She's offering HUGELY valuable support. Take it and be grateful.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

It's the fact that you are insisting on an hour, it's like it is the least you think you can get away with.

I would have given an awful lot to have a loving grandparent on the doorstep when mine were that old, an awful lot.

What you go back to work OP, what will your childcare arrangements be? Don't you think that having a good relationship with your MIL so that she would feel happy to do the odd pick up for you when you get delayed at work, or to look after your sick child sometimes so that you or your partner don't have to take yet another day off, might be worth it's weight in gold?

You are being not only selfish and cold but also incredibly short-sighted if you don't let down your barriers a bit.

[RedNosedClone]

I think the grandparent/grandchild relationship is very enriching for both parties, and I find the fact that you are wanting to restrict the forming of a close bond between your Dd and her grandmother strange.

What are you afraid of? Your Dd's grandmother sounds perfectly normal, and what is nicer for a child than to be loved by grandparents as well as parents? Your Dd won't love you any less if she has a close relationship with her grandmother, she won't be taking anything away from you

When your Dd is a little older you may well be glad that she has a grandmother who will happily babysit so that you can have a break from all your one-to-one time.

[TinyTear]

YA most definitely NOT BU

Goodness me, no my parents haven't taken DD out by themselves, neither has MIL, and they will not babysit at least until DD is old enough to look after herself.

First time my dad wanted to 'drive' the pram he stops in the middle of the road to zip up his coat. fortunately it was a quiet time and i was right behind him, but I am glad i live 3000km away!

[youlookbeautifultonight]

Is really normal for grandparents to take baby out in the pram? Erm, yes. I think you really need to put your own issues aside here.

[WerewolfBarMitzvah]

I don't think YABU. Both you and DP are fine with once weekly visits - though I would personally make it longer than 1 hour.
Yes, things might and probably will change in the future but if that's what you want now, then do it.
I wouldn't want 2/3 visits a week from anyone really - but we're all different.

[Bambambini]

Well OP, have you taken on what everybody bar one has said? It really isn't strange for a loving GM to want to spend some time with her GC. If you suddenly need her for babysitting or help, will you expect her to just come running?

[jellybeans]

YANBU but people won't understand unless they have a difficult MIL themselves. Mine was horrendous and saw her and DH as the family and DC and I merely 'extended family' of DH. She said that! She had no respect whatsoever for boundaries and just expected to come and go as she pleased. The whole time she was here she ignored or insulted me! If a MIL is nice to you maybe that is different though.

Once a week is enough in my eyes. People lead busy lives and many families don't see each other for weeks. My grandma is a MIL and would be over the moon to see her GC every week but barely sees them twice a year. Boundary issues need nipping in the bud. We did that and now get on well with ILs.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Tiny they will not babysit at least until DD is old enough to look after herself.

??

[Mulligrubs]

YANBU. For me once a week is enough and I adore my MIL, although she does live slightly further away than 5 minutes. Some PPs asked what mother doesn't want a break? Well, I'm one of them, my son is 12 months and I still don't want a break. Like you OP I didn't grow up in a family that all lived in each others pockets so for me having any relatives popping by is just weird and I hate it. As a family it was me, mum, dad and my siblings - we were all close. We saw our grandparents etc. maybe once a month or less as they lived far away and we still had amazing fun and adored them!

OPs baby is only 12 weeks old, she needs to enjoy her maternity leave. If she's only comfortable seeing MIL once a week that's fine. It does sound that the MIL is being respectful of your current boundaries OP, which is good.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

Hello I am going against the crowd here.

I really do not understand why the fact she lives so close has anything to do with it?

Why does this matter?

If the relationship isnt there, it isnt there.

Its up to op how much time she spends with her mil and how much time mil spends with her baby.

As for the hour once a week....

The hour I would say is too short...I agree you should make it longer but once a week is plenty. Many GP live hundreds of miles away and see GC very little and thats when they have brilliant relationships.

I think she is lucky to know she has a regular once a week visit.

No its not that normal to take a small baby away from its mother when the mother doesn't want it.

Its normal for a small baby to be with its mother unless the mother asks for a break.

Op do as you feel comfortable with in these early days.

Try and make more of the visit she does have, and try and include her but stick to your once a week, honestly its fine.

[Mulligrubs]

I mean.respectful in that she hints rather than makes a big deal about wanting more visits by the way

[KittieCat]

Threads like this make me sad. I have a DS and I will always want to be part of his life.

I just don't understand why (on MN at least) MILs are to be kept away.
It's a sad indictment of the works we live in.

Oh, nearly forgot, OP, IMHO YABU.

[KittieCat]

Sorry, world not works.

[QueenofallIsee]

YANBU but only because all families are different and you should do what is right for you, and no one else - there is no law that says you must do this, or that or the other. Your MIL is not unreasonable in wanting a family relationship closer to her expectation though either OP, she is not pressuring you or behaving like a loon but clearly her definition of a normal family is not the same as yours. 60mins once a week sounds very restrictive, which is why people are so surprised and a bit hard on you - I think we imagine you clock watching until she goes home, like a therapies paid by the hour! I myself have in laws that see my children on a daily basis and us as a family once a week as a minimum, the whole extended family on DH side meets up once every few weeks for Sunday lunch. That is what is normal for us.

[googoodolly]

I think once a week is plenty if it's for an afternoon or something, but an hour really isn't a lot of time and I'm not surprised she wants to come over more often.

Can you not let her come over and look after DD for an afternoon or something? You could get your hair done/sleep/have a bath/meet a friend/go shopping whatever for a few hours and she could get some quality time with her GD?

I think if she got a decent chunk of time once a week with her, she wouldn't feel the need to come over so often.

[SpringBreaker]

Cold and controlling is how you come across.

"I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit"

This is the woman that gave birth to him. She is his MOTHER. Just because you came along does not mean she is no longer allowed to have a close relationship with him. She is also your childs grandparent, and your attitude is probably upsetting to her and will result in her withdrawing completely, hurt at the fact that she is clearly unwelcome in your life, her sons life and now her first grandchilds life. Well done.

[LoonvanBoon]

I get the issue of not liking people just popping in - it's one of those divisive things that some people hate & others are fine with. But I agree with most other posters that the one hour a week sounds unnecessarily rigid when MIL is so close by & wants to help.

It will be in your own interests to be a bit more flexible now, TBH. There may be times when you have other w/end plans, eg., & if you've always acted as if the one hour at a w/end is set in stone, MIL is probably going to be upset about that. Whereas if you just relax a bit, arrange to meet up with her in the week now & then / invite her for a longer visit/ let her take baby out in the pram, the whole relationship is going to feel more natural & will allow for variations & changes in plans.

I also think it's a bit mean that you've let MIL babysit once at your convenience, purely to allow you to go out, but don't seem to be prepared to allow her any involvement on her own terms.

[TinyTear]

Alibaba i wouldn't trust the grandparents - old, late 70s, with health issues or strokes and other problems - to look after a nearly 3yo or under no

Maybe when she is 6 or 7 and more reliable at sleeping, toileting and so on then yes, I would consider babysitting by themselves...

but this is my parents fault, if they hadn't been so damn overbearing and treated their daughters as human beings rather than children, so much me and my sister moved countries, then we might be more open to contact... even now they control and try and manipulate with calls and texts and skypes... where are you going, who with, when are you coming back, why haven't you texted, why aren't you home?

well tough, no you are not looking after the grandchild unsupervised no

[gingee]

God what a depressing thread. What's all this rubbish about setting boundaries and 'twice a year' is enough. I think there are serious control issues with some people on this thread!!

OP just move abroad or something! Move house and tell her it was so you could set boundaries!!

I find it hilarious that people don't trust their pil with a pushchair - you do know they brought up kids, the very same child you love and have had a baby with ?!!