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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not babysit niece over Christmas

206 replies

blingblingbling · 15/11/2014 14:08

Hi mumsnetters, newbie here lol. I have been asked by SIL to take her daughter Christmas day, as my bro and her are going away. I refused as its my daughters first christmas. Andwant to enjoy it with her anf my DH. Her daughter is very clingy and prone to tantrums. I refused in a very polite way, saying that its our first christmas as a family and I want to spend it with my DH and baby. My SIL is now saying that I am abandoning my niece because I havea child of my own now. That is not the case. AIBU to not want to babysit.

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 16/11/2014 02:29

I'm glad it's all sorted now Bling, if there is a rift then it is all his doing.

I am also the youngest, I have two brothers with young children but they would never be so presumptuous and cheeky.

Knock all the 'Babysitter' stuff in the head for good.

Bulbasaur · 16/11/2014 03:44

Who abandons their child on Christmas? Confused

But moreover, that's part of parenting. If you can't find a sitter, oh well, make different plans. They'll live. You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty or let them try and guilt you.

KatieKaye · 16/11/2014 07:27

You are still missing the point, sharlxx.
It was not out of spite or to teach the parents.
OP wanted the day with her DC and DH, not babysitting.
She does not want to have her DN over simply to allow two selfish people to go to a party.
Her needs and wants are simple: to enjoy her DCs first Christmas which is perfectly understandable. It's not fair to try and make her feel guilty about it.

fuzzpig · 16/11/2014 07:40

The big issue is that when people are attempting to abdicate all responsibility for their own child, you don't make it easy for them to carry on being shit parents. You are doing the child a much bigger favour in the long term by getting the parents to face up to their responsibilities.

Completely agree with this. Struggling to do this with my neighbour Hmm there's a line between 'being kind/helpful' and 'enabling them to be a shit parent'

I notice you said none of their friends have DCs, well neither do mine (had eldest at 20 and I'm now 27) but they all adore my DCs and we are actually spending Xmas day with 3 of them this year. We don't do everything with them as we have all moved all over the country now but when we do meet up they would never not invite our DCs.

Pastperfect · 16/11/2014 07:49

I agree with sharl

I cannot imagine not welcoming my three year old neice at Christmas when I knew the alternative would be a crappy day being palmed off on someone else or forced to attend a party where neither the host or the parents really wanted her Sad

I understand the OP would prefer to it to be just her little family, but I couldn't enjoy my day knowing that a child I loved was not being loved and cherished.

MiddletonPink · 16/11/2014 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Andrewofgg · 16/11/2014 07:57

OP Ask yourselves: if it wee a genuine last-minute emergency would you help?

Of course you would, that's what decent people do.

But this isn't, so say No and mean it so that your DB and SIL know the boundaries.

KatieKaye · 16/11/2014 08:01

How do you "know" the day with someone else would be "crappy" or that the other person would not want her there either?

unless it is because you think that most people wouldn't want a friend's child palmed off on them so they could go to a stupid party and that it would therefore be natural to feel resentful about having her foisted upon them?

There's never been any suggestion that DN could go to the party (actually, it's been specified this is not possible), merely that her parents should not go to the party.

Lovely that you would take in a child - but that has nothing to do with how OP feels about the situation. And in any case she has told DB that she is not complying, so why try to spoil her first Christmas with her DC by making her feel crappy about it?that's incredibly mean spirited.

FairyHanny · 16/11/2014 08:08

I wish I could be more like the legend bling, when two relatives by marriage are always ringing around at the last minute trying to sort childminding for them to go to work, just because they don't prioritise their kids and couldn't give a shit who minds them, just as long as someone else does.

They both want to work full time and rake in money, money and more money for luxuries and wouldn't dream of paying for proper actual childminding.

They've pissed off most of the extended family with their crap and it's not unusual for the wife to have to find out from the husband who he left them with, when she finishes her shift, so she can eventually collect them in the evening.

Like a PP said, they liked the idea of being parents til it became a reality. Twice. The brass-necked cunts. Hmm

Sorry for the HUGE derail bling but that felt good! I too, offer hearty congrats on standing up to your twatty, selfish DB & SIL. There'll be plenty more opportunities for you to look after your niece, trust me, but Christmas is saved! You've done the right thing bling. Bravo! Wink

SpaceKoala · 16/11/2014 08:10

Agree with past perfect.
We do not know where or who the little girl will be left with, but it may very well be with people that won't make an effort for her. This is the first Christmas she will remember most likely, and I would want to make sure she has a very special day even though the parents put themselves first. It's Christmas after all.

SanityClause · 16/11/2014 08:10

What's your point Middleton?

Incidentally, when I was younger, some friends in their late 20s used to have a Christmas party every Christmas in the evening. We used to spend Christmas with family in the day, and go there afterwards. There were no children, because not many of us had any, and I should imagine that it wasn't too hard to leave DC at parents or PILs for those that did. It wasn't really "no DC allowed". It just wasn't the done thing to take your DC (although the the hostess was very lovely, and I'm sure she wouldn't have turned any DC away).

SanityClause · 16/11/2014 08:13

SpaceKoala, the OP has already said that if she were to hear of them leaving the DN with someone unsuitable, and she was sure it wasn't a ruse, she would look after her.

MissHJ · 16/11/2014 08:14

What awful parents. I couldn't imagine leaving my 3 year old at christmas just to go to a party. Feel so sorry for your niece, poor little thing.

I would be tempted to say yes just so I know my niece would be with family and having a good day not dumped on someone else. However if it keeps them with their child, I think you did the right thing saying no. They need to be parents!

Bovnydazzler · 16/11/2014 08:22

What's the bet the friends didn't really want your SiL and DB there anyway? Felt they had to invite them but "I know we'll say it's child free, of course there is no way they'll leave their 3 year old".

Well done anyway OP, you did the right thing. Hope the parents give their DD a good Xmas.

Pastperfect · 16/11/2014 09:16

katiekaye you're right I don't know the day will be crappy but let's be honest if neither your parents or your only living relative want you at Christmas then it's probably not going to be all comfort and joy and I'd think that's going to leave a lasting impression.

I sympathise with the OPs need to make a point and not be walked over but there are 364 other days on which to do so without contributing to a miserable first memory of Christmas.

And yeah yeah of course it's principally the parents that will ruin the child's day but not stepping in and doing what you can is unconscionable and if that makes me mean spirited I can live with the insult

KatieKaye · 16/11/2014 09:27

Past perfect, the little girl is not going to know which day is Christmas. So theoretically her parents could make it a different day and she would be fine.
Also OP said that other than their party fetish the parents are pretty good.
Given those two facts, I'm not sure it is such a big deal.
Also, why should OP have a miserable Christmas given the little girl is demanding?
It's lovely that you would step in but hardly fair to pull guilt trips on the OP.

HSMMaCM · 16/11/2014 09:33

You will be doing your niece a favour by saying no.

Inertia · 16/11/2014 09:38

Better that her parents start learning how to have Christmas as a family now then, rather than palming her off for the next few Christmases and then having the child realise that her friends spend the day with their families , while she gets dumped and the parents party.

That's a much tougher lesson to learn aged 5/6 than it would be now when she has no expectations about Christmas.

AuditAngel · 16/11/2014 09:53

Do you want to adopt your niece OP? Because if you say yes, you may as well accept now that anytime your DB and SIL want to enjoy themselves, you will be saddled with your niece. I say this as someone who chooses to have about 13 people on Christmas Day, would take in extra waifs, but the only DC are my own

ChasedByBees · 16/11/2014 09:55

Well done Bling. Sad that your brother even considered this.

clam · 16/11/2014 10:19

Pastperfect: "but let's be honest if neither your parents or your only living relative want you at Christmas then it's probably not going to be all comfort and joy"

I think it's pretty unfair to lump the OP in with that. This is a situation entirely of the child's own parents' making, and it's out of order to project a guilt trip onto the OP about it.

Pastperfect · 16/11/2014 10:34

FFS it's not projection - that comment does not even make sense.

If the OP is happy to have a happy Christmas with her DH & DD knowing that her niece may not be then that is her prerogative but dressing it up as somehow protecting the child in the long run is bullshit.

How many if you posting on here could really see you own niece dumped by her parents on Christmas Day.

And lots of situations are the making of others (homelessness, drug addiction, unemployment) but it doesn't mean that it absolves us from stepping in and doing the right thing unless you're a fail reader

clam · 16/11/2014 11:27

It's projecting your issues onto others. The OP is not responsible for her ILS' shortcomings as parents.

YonicScrewdriver · 16/11/2014 11:40

Crikey, past. The parents will probably suck it up and not go to the party and arrange something nice, even if it's the Xmas offerings on BBC.

Lara2 · 16/11/2014 11:55

I've watched the whole thread with interest and just want to say - well done OP, you did the right thing.
To all the people who are saying this will be the first Christmas the OP's niece remembers - really? I certainly don't remember my third Christmas/birthday, or anything much about being three. You can't guilt trip someone like that - it makes you as bad as the DB and DSIL. As the OP said, they're not abusive parents, just thoughtless and selfish really. Why should she carry on enabling that?