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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's much easier being a single parent??

289 replies

Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 01:56

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

OP posts:
SilentAllTheseYears · 09/11/2014 01:58

Swings and roundabouts....

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 02:00

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

YANBU. I get what you're saying. I've often thought that if dh and I split, because I know what a fantastic father dh is, I would be completely happy with the dc in his care, and that he would want regular access to the dc...if I then had a new partner, I'd have much more of an opportunity for quality time than dh and I get now.

But...you'll get ripped to shreds for the title, so i'd suggest editing it tbh.

thornrose · 09/11/2014 02:11

Hmm, that's rather naive, for want of a better word! Some parents are single because their child's father died. Some single parents have horrendous power struggles over the dc with their ex once the relationship breaks down.

As for regular moments alone, remember there's the pain of the split and any bitterness or negativity from that to contend with, do you think most people move on happily?

Or was this meant to gets joke thread? Hmm

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/11/2014 02:22

yeah it's a doddle Hmm

I don't think you are referring to SINGLE parents are you? Those with NO support network.

Noone forced you to have 3 kids by the way...

wobblyweebles · 09/11/2014 02:35

Why don't you pay a babysitter to watch the children so you can go out?

TooMuchCantBreathe · 09/11/2014 02:43

In the picture perfect world you're probably something like right. However I'm a single parent and haven't had a night out in years. I've been single nearly 10 and wouldn't have a clue how to meet a partner if I wanted to as my life is work/kids/sleep.

I do know single parents who get eow "off" and so on but most don't, it tends to be more complicated than that.

WhatWouldJoanDo · 09/11/2014 03:22

Don't forget that they will have every other weekend completely "on". No help, usually a bit less cash than you have now because of maintaining two households and probably most week nights too.

I used to think the same about a friend of mine who used to have every other weekend on her own. But before she met her new DH, it was excruciatingly lonely for her.

Pay a babysitter!

Petitgrain · 09/11/2014 03:22

You have got to be fucking joking.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/11/2014 03:32

My friend's husband just died and left her with 4 kids. You want to swap places with her?

icklekid · 09/11/2014 03:33

I can not imagine coping with my colicky new born as a single parent. Even with dh to pass him too it was totally exhausting, when I've been up all night with ds I can wake dh to have him so I get an hour sleep to survive during the day - this would be a 'luxury' to a single parent. I think life would be much much harder as a single parent. I can understand how the concept of a 'weekend off' would appeal but for me the day to day challenges would totally out weigh them. If a eve out if important to you and dh could you get friend/ family member to babysit? If not have a romantic night in once dc are asleep? I have so much respect for single parents.

foreverton · 09/11/2014 07:31

I've been in both situations and its not easier being a single parent, I left an emotionally abusive relationship when ds was 2, that was nearly 10 years ago.
I met dp and have now got dd who is 3, we haven't had a night out together since before she was born.
For me, it's about more than nights out, time for myself etc, it's no joke being on your own with children, it's bloody hard work and I remember my ds literally screaming for me when his dad came to pick him up for the weekend, it was heartbreaking. Even now at nearly 12, he's still unsettled by going, despite his friends thinking he's "lucky" for having 2 houses/Xmas/birthdays etc.

To be honest, I think a lot of single parents will find your post insulting and it sounds like there are issues going on in your own relationship that are leading you to question if the grass is greener on the other side.

marcopront · 09/11/2014 07:36

Yes it is so easy.

My 8 year old has this morning changed the dressing on my back where I had stitches. That was easy for her.

I was up half the night with her as her dry skin was so itchy it was painful. That was easy for us.

I had to convince her to phone her feckless father in a different country. He managed 5 minutes conversation, that is their weekend contact for her. That was easy.

I planned her birthday party on my own. I watched her have no father at the party, unlike all her friends. That was easy.

If I want to go out. I need a babysitter, so i am the same as you. Except I'm not, in every other situation I have mentioned you have a partner to share these things with you.

DomiKatetrix · 09/11/2014 07:38

Yeah I agree. It's really easy. We get to do whatever we want and just send DC to their fathers Grin

F**k off. What about the single parents with no other parent to send them too? You do realise that some 'fathers' are happy to pretend their children don't exist. And yes, it's so very easy to go out and pursue a relationship - I drop my DC off at the orphanage for 5 days and go on a shagathon to find my soulmate Hmm

MissMogwi · 09/11/2014 07:46

I think many lone parents will take offence at your title. Not all of them get weekends off or co-parent with their exp.

Many struggle financially, emotionally and physically with the demands of children, work, bills and more. I know I did at times as my exp is useless.

However I think your post comes from your unhappiness in your relationship. Life is tough with young children when you don't get a break. Can you pay a sitter? A neighbour maybe?
Maybe get the kids in bed early and have a meal with your DH, and a good chat.

billibob · 09/11/2014 07:47

Maybe you should have thought about your lack of nights out before you had children!
You sound pathetic and the grass is greener. Step over to the other side if you feel your life would be better as a single parent.

Mia1415 · 09/11/2014 07:47

Definitely not easy if you are a single parent, where the father has never even met his child & offers no support. A night out. What's that?

LadyLuck10 · 09/11/2014 07:47

Are you so desperate for your freedom that this is the only solution you can think of??

HairStylistToBoris · 09/11/2014 07:49

I don't think either my DH or his exw found it easy to form relationships after their marriage split, having small children around doesn't attract so many future partners. It's not been easy for us now and we don't have DSC all the time - but when we do we don't go out. We have reasonable custody but as we have fought for access we don't want to waste it by going out and getting sitters. The last few years of angst have been shit for DH and no fun for me.
I also know many single parents who are on their own through the death of a partner or DV - I'd not wish their reality on anyone (as good a job as they are doing).

evertonmint · 09/11/2014 07:49

If I were you, I'd spend more energy trying to fix your relationship and getting to know your DH again than wondering how much easier your life would be as a single parent. The fact you're thinking this suggests something needs to change or you may end up realising being a single parent isn't as easy as you think.

JeanSeberg · 09/11/2014 07:50

Get divorced then if it's such a doddle.

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 09/11/2014 07:52

As others said, it's swings and roundabouts

But I suppose it depends how much stuff like going out matters to you

You are going to gef jumped on for the title so put on your hard hat

DelGirl · 09/11/2014 07:53

You really didn't think hard about your post, did you OP Hmm

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 09/11/2014 07:55

Oh dear, this is not going well. Like marriages single parenthood comes in all shapes and sizes.

The first few years of being a single parent were terrible for me. I was scared the whole time. Scared of my ex, scared of losing my DC to him, scared of not coping. I didn't go out and I had no quality of life.

Years later I would now agree with your OP. I have free time. I get a rest and time to myself. Just like you will eventually.

I still worry when I'm ill. I still have sole responsibility for everything you share.

Like someone said upthread, it's swings and roundabouts.

FrontForward · 09/11/2014 07:56

Divorce him. Life will be great

It's a rather crass statement to suggest that because you have no childcare line parenting would be easier.

You could a) source childcare
Or b) go through relationship breakdown, find housing for both of you, struggle financially. G'wan OP. Do it. Do b)

youarewinning · 09/11/2014 08:00

Yes your right it's great being a single parent.

I'll swap you your DH and 3 DCs for my 10yo with ASD who doesn't sleep at all well and who's father lives 2500 miles away.

You can love in my lush green grass if you desire.