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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's much easier being a single parent??

289 replies

Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 01:56

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

OP posts:
PerpendicularKitten · 09/11/2014 08:01

It looks easier? You don't really know what you are saying tbh, a year is not that long without a night out either to be fair, unless you are really wealthy and can afford lots of help that is how it often is with 3DC's, DH and I joke that the only time we go out alone is to a scan or when I go into labour! We still manage to make time for each other.

I have a good friend who is a LP, she gets time off every other weekend by which time she is worn out after having done absolutely everything for her DC's with no emotional support from the DC's father, often she spends her 'weekend off' getting the jobs done that she can't do when the DC's are underfoot. The DC's father seems to go out of his way to make her life difficult. It is not easier at all, for many many reasons.

Llareggub · 09/11/2014 08:01

It isn't easier being a single parent.

I don't know many single mothers who have shared care in the way you describe. We're on our own, with the DCs, 100% of the time.

It's actually bloody hard to explain to your children why daddy hasn't come to see them, again, without bad mouthing him. It's also pretty exhausting working full-time and managing the school run, childcare, clubs, homework and housework. Oh, and you have to listen to people whinging about single mothers and then remember that you're one too and dig their way out of that one.

FrontForward · 09/11/2014 08:01

What not to say to single parents

Rebecca2014 · 09/11/2014 08:02

It is very lonely being a single parent and in my case I have our daughter the majority of the time. My ex will rarely have her overnight so I have no idea how I am going be able to start dating again. Jealous of women who ex's have their children every weekend but that is not the case for all of us single parent.

serennu · 09/11/2014 08:02

you mean much easier for you to be a single parent?

Sirzy · 09/11/2014 08:03

If your looking for sympathy about not being able to plan time together with your husband I think you have gone about it in the wrong way!

Perhaps take time to consider things like coping when a child is ill and your alone (thankfully I only have one must be a nightmare if you have more than one child), the ongoing loneliness that often comes with being a single parent. The juggling required to do everything alone. But your right all that fades into insignificance compared to a night out

RedButtonhole · 09/11/2014 08:04

You're making a bit of a massive assumption that everyone's DC have wonderfully involved non-resident parents who will be hands on and have them all weekend so that resident parent can go out on a jolly.

My DS' father has never met him and has no interest in doing so.

Fifibluebell · 09/11/2014 08:06

So laughable!

Andanotherthing123 · 09/11/2014 08:07

A night out isn't going to help you get to know your husband...you need to sit down and talk, plan stuff together and generally put some effort in. Or yeah, just leave him for someone else and rake in all the amazing benefits of free childcare. Yabvu.

revealall · 09/11/2014 08:09

I've been a proper single parent from the start due to partner doing a runner when I was pregnant.
In lots of ways it has been easier actually BUT

I only have the one child which means other people are happy to have him sleep over etc when I go out. No complicated logistics.
It also means that I can't really contemplate living with someone.Rasisng my child and looking after my house is my responsibility and sharing it when it goes so well seems ridiculous.

I'd say having the three children is your "problem" not the the husband living in.

Enb76 · 09/11/2014 08:12

Well, I am a single parent of the type you're thinking of. I often think I have it a lot easier than some of my married friends so as far as I am concerned YANBU. Yes, some single parents have it hard but by no means all and I don't in fact even think they are the majority. It's just you don't hear about us much because we have nothing to who he about.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 09/11/2014 08:13

How patronising OP. Let me tell you now it is OP and you can decide if you fancy it.

My son has recently decided to go NC with his father so no more free weekends for me. Even then I only ever had one about three times per year and never during the week or holidays. My only source of childcare is my mum and she is fab but it isn't fair to always rely on her. Not all new partners are interested in single parents, as proven by my ex who decided after 16 months that he couldn't hack it.

I have no opportunity for clubs etc so can't get out and meet people very easily. It's really hard being a single parent and not to be envied in my opinion.

HonoraryOctonaut · 09/11/2014 08:14

I think it depends on the partner. It is much easier (IMO) to be a single parent than to be in an unhappy relationship with someone that doesn't help and just adds to the problem.

I think sometimes it's easier to be a single parent.

SaucyJackOLantern · 09/11/2014 08:14

YABU!

My ex doesn't have the older girls EOW- more like every other month. I still managed to start a new relationship with my DP admittedly- but after reading a few threads on here that apparently makes me a desperate slag who always puts my children last.

If it's a relationship you're after, I can assure you living with someone gives you a hundred times more time to spend with them than as a dating SP.

And you could always put your hand in your pocket a pay for a babysitter y'know.

18yearstooold · 09/11/2014 08:15

Hmmm

I haven't been out in so long I can't remember the last time I went anywhere

I'm supporting dd1 (13) through a lot of mental health issues and potentially an ASD diagnosis -alone

I'm studying full time with deadlines to meet to improve our future -alone

I have MS so live with the constant fear that if I have a relapse I will have to deal with it -alone

Dd2 has a special talent and is involved in many activities to support that which I have to finance and get her to -alone

Dd1&2 have very different relationships with their dad (the same person) and I have to deal with the sibling rivalry and other fall out -alone

Dd2 has asthma -if she has an attack in the night I have to deal with that and potential hospital admissions -alone

Is single parenting still sounding so attractive?

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 09/11/2014 08:15

I think you have some rosy idea that all us single parents are shunting the kids off to the other parent every other weekend and for holidays and then generally living the childfree life of Reilly in that time. The reality for many of us, myself included, is that the child has no relationship with the absent parent and the other parent gets it all to do.

My child has not seen his dad in nearly two years and actually has no concept of having a father. He has never spent any time with him alone in his entire life, and that is his father's choice not mine. Any childcare that I get is from favours from family members, I have had one night out in the past five years.

Go away and do every single night waking from new born to five, make every single decision regarding you child's welfare with no input from the other parent, juggle work and an ill child, take them to all their activities and basically do everything they require by yourself, then come back and tell me how easy I have it.

Maybe the sentiment behind your OP is not offensive but the way you have worded it and the title is!

avocadogreen · 09/11/2014 08:16

You've got to be fucking joking!
My ex left me and 2 kids 8 months ago. He now lives 200 miles away. Yes, he does have them every other weekend, and yes I have started seeing someone else recently and I guess I do have the opportunity to go out on a saturday night every other weekend because of it... not fridays because I have to drive 2 hours each way to drop the kids off. In reality my weekends are spent catching up on all the things I don't get a chance to do.

You try working full time, doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc, not actually sitting down in the evening til 11pm and even then having no adult company all week, noone to offload to about your day or have a cuddle when you're feeling low. And then tell me it's easier?!

Tauriel1 · 09/11/2014 08:17

I think you have a bit of a warped view, sorry.

Life as any parent isn't about going out child free, staying in and changing nappies etc is the same for any parent.

Also, your children will not be small for long. As a single parent, it is harder to meet someone. In my personal experience, even when you can get a sitter or DC are elsewhere, you often find you have nowhere to go/noone to go with!

velvetspoon · 09/11/2014 08:18

This is a joke right?!

Are you really so hopelessly naive that you think it's 'better' to only see your DC half the time you do now? To bear the sole wright of financial responsibility for them...to have to make all decisions on your own all the time?

Most splits aren't amicable. Many single parents either get no time off (because other parent can't or won't have them overnight or even at all) or no financial contribution or both.

And if you do share care...think about not spending every Xmas with your DC? Not seeing them on their birthdays. Or at least not every year.

And yes, if you think it's so great, get divorced. See how great it really is..

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/11/2014 08:18

I am usually a very balanced person and 'swings and roundabouts' is a common phrase for me to use.
But having been in a relationship for 8.5years after my daughter was born and then being a single parent for the last 2.5 years it met definitely not swings and roundabouts.
Firstly to become a single parent something awful has happened in your life both you and your DC will be affected by this.
You have no one to share anything with initially not even to make you a cup of tea when you feel bad.
You have no one to discuss stuff with and help you get some perspective.
Being in a shit relationship whilst it had horrid bits to it from a child management point of view was so much easier than being a single parent.
Meeting someone else, well I would have to have some time other than to sleep, eat and work. My Ex has had DC only four overnights in 11 months through actions he choose. I have no local family support. I had investigation and surgical treatment of breast cancer alone every single step of that way. It's flipping marvellous.

Sophieelmer · 09/11/2014 08:19

If you have a good co-parenting relationship and tons of family support then it can be great. Weekends off to go on dates and have lay ins. On the other hand as a couple you can have the same as friends of mine have, sending kids off to grandparents every other weekend and prioritising couple time. I think your problem is you don't prioritise your time as a couple.
Try to remember your kids will grow up and piss off! It'd be much better for you if you still had a partner after they do.

Bakeoffcakes · 09/11/2014 08:20

I think if you'd asked "is being a single parent, with an Ex you get on with, who shares the DC 50/50, and who isn't a dick, easier than being with a partner who works all the time and doesn't help in anyway" then you may have been right.

Otherwise you are being very unreasonable.

fairgame · 09/11/2014 08:24

YABVU

I'm a single parent to one child with a disability and it's extremely hard work. My ex and his family don't see him at all. My parents have had ds once overnight this year so I could go out for my 30th. Other than that I have him 24/7.
I go out once a year. I haven't been to the cinema to see an adult film since 2003. I don't get to go out and do hobbies that I would like to. I have to deal with everything myself. All ds's school meetings, therapies, appointments I deal with alone. I had to go to tribunal for his school place by myself. You have a husband to lean on for support. You are lucky to have that.

HappySunflower · 09/11/2014 08:25

Good heavens, you really have no idea!

I work close to full time, have massive child care bills, and spend most of my time rushing around taking my daughter to all her appointments and play dates during the few hours a week that I don't work. If she's ill, its ME who has to take time off work to look after her, ditto if there's a training day. Its me who sits up with her in the night when she's ill, and still me who is up at 6 the next morning to start the days jobs again.
I have no family support, and there is no second parent to help pay for stuff or divide up the childcare. Its not just the practical stuff, its the emotional stuff as well. Imagine having a bad day and getting home and having nobody to offload to and share that with. I would love a relationship, but have no babysitter and couldn't afford to pay one if I did.

Now please do come back and explain to me just HOW my life is easier to yours?

FayeFruitLoop · 09/11/2014 08:27

YABU.

Been there, worn both t-shirts Confused

enjoy your daydreams OP