To think it's much easier being a single parent??

[Deckmyballs]

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

Yes, when I was a single mum I had a house that stayed cleaner, a night to myself every week and freedom to decorate my home and spend money how I wanted.

The downside was, I had to finance a household on my own, if I was sick there was nobody to back me up, if I needed to go buy milk at 9pm I couldn't because I was the only adult.

I suspect if I hadn't gotten back with dp I could get used to it. However I have one child, a high income and he was involved.

Op if you are looking at things this way, maybe it's time to get out by yourself more and hire a babysitter to try revive things with your dh. You are looking with rose tinted glasses and maybe a bit of frustration?

I imagine the OP has thought it through a bit more by now.

I think your problem op, is due to the fact that modern society has in most cases both parents working full time with no time left for anything. It's all work work work. There is no home/work balance for many people.

I'm lucky in that my X does co-parent & have the children every other weekend and once in the week.

But I never wanted to be a amicably co-parenting with him. I wanted to be his wife, to share my life with him. Instead I pack my children off every other weekend so he can have lovely quality time with them and his new partner.

I don't spend my weekends off having lovely me time. I spend them miserable, on my own, wondering how I ended up in this situation and hoping my children haven't been adversely affected by it.

I don't just grieve for the relationship we had, but the future we lost too. You know all those lovely plans you make for when the children are grown and are more independent? Mine were getting there, but it's all gone.

I don't have the money to go out every other weekend either. Not only does x not pay maintenance, but I actually pay him so that I can buy his share of the equity in our home. I also pay for everything else for the children. Not just day to day stuff and birthdays and Christmas, but I send food for them all because he says he can't afford it and I pay for his token gas meter to be topped up while they're there because he feels that it's warm enough without heating and I disagree.

I know it's hard when you're like two ships in the night - I get that. I know it can feel like you're only just mum, not a person in your own right, but if you love your husband, try and sort it now.

I used to like a date night every week - we couldn't afford to go out, so I would get a M&S meal deal and get dressed up like I was going out and we'd have that, with a proper sit down talk & properly listen to each other. Actually I don't know why I'm telling you this - it didn't fucking work .

But don't look at my life and envy it -it's shit and I'd love to get back to where you are now.

I think what I actually said was regarding people not women

Really?

Op Why are you TTC with this absolute bellend?' Yet some women still go ahead and do it.

OP, you remind me of the stupid ignorant who told me that I was the envy of every woman in the room-as I buried my husband 3 months earlier. .

You show no insight or intelligent reasoning onto the reality of bringing up children alone. Nothing is stopping you from walking out the door OP. I had a lovely husband and a great dad- the loneliness is awful! Come to think of it don't let the door hit your arse on the way out!

You want full time single parents to feel sorry for you because you can't talk to your husband??? That's got nothing to do with babysitting- and everything to do with opening your damn mouth! However given my earlier point about insight and intellect..........

Permission to re-open this most interesting thread. I believe that the issue is quality of life. Whether or not as parents we get time for us separate from the burden of parenting and holding down a job and all the endless neverending school run homework housework shopping and general drudge.

If we have time for something for us above and beyond the mundane then we are luckier than some.

I have a spiritual group I go to and chant daily. I also play piano about 3 times a way which is an amazing hobby and isn't money dependent as such which simplifies things! Just time and schedule dependent.

There are many things we can do to satisfy ourselves without being man reliant for our happiness.

I speak as a single parent of ten years experience since ds was 5 months old and with the help of the ex throughout albeit somewhat hit and miss at times.

My ex never has DD overnight and only see's her once a week on a Saturday for a few hours. My son's father died.

I never go out and also have no access to childcare as I only ask for help from friends or family if I'm needing childcare so I can work.

I work two jobs, receive only £30 a week in maintenance from DD's dad and have to take my children to all appointments, pay for all school uniform, out of school activities etc myself.

Oh yeah, forgot to add.....both my children have disabilities requiring numerous surgeries and hospital appointments, which again, I'm the only one attending and caring for them.

Yep my life's a piece of piss. Fancy a swap?

Sorry, didn't realise this was a zombie thread.

Does it matter if we resurrect a zombie thread - what I mean is do the mumsnet staff mind?

Sorry to hear about your children's disabilities blueballoon.

Yep. My life is easy too!

My ex rarely bothers with ds (12) and much less with dd (2)

It's so easy explaining to a smart 12 year old why "daddy and new GF" have been on holiday again, but daddy can't buy him a new pair of shoes.

Why he used to get a great big bag of things from nanny (dad side...) every Xmas, now he gets a fiver in a card. To share with his sister.

All the normal things too. Like taking ds to scouts in the next town. With a poorly dd having to sleep wrapped up in the car as she isn't well.

Still, I wouldn't swap it for having the bully back! Yes, we struggle. But we are safe.

I think the OP has has been given a very hard time on this thread. And it would appear that (not taking people who have lost partners through death which is an entirely different situation to the one she is talking about) an awful lot of the problems encountered by single parents recounted on the thread are caused by feckless partners in the first place, which again is a different problem and leads to difficulties for the parent with majority custody but these problems are not necessarily caused by the fact of being a single parent. More by having an uncooperative, non co-parenting other parent iykwim?

For what it is worth, one of my best friends got divorced when their son was 3 years old. They attended a lot of mediation to make things as smooth for the son as possible and the ex-husband found somewhere to live close enough that they shared access 50/50. The boy spent one week in each house with alternating weekends. The ex-husband met another woman and went on to have more children with her, still maintaining the access arrangement.

This allowed my friend considerable freedom to socialise and build a new life outside of the old relationship. In time she met someone new and was able to pursue her relationship with him during the time she did not have her son until she knew it was serious. They have a new baby now and recently got married and she told me only a few months ago that life was easier when she only had the first boy and only parented him 50% of the time. But that does not mean that she would change a thing about her new set up as she is the happiest she has ever been.

So it IS possible. However I am under no illusions that it took a lot of effort and hard work to get to that point for her and her ex and both of theirnew partners. It seems such a pity that this is more the exception than the rule when relationships break down and there is so much bitterness and pain for so many involved.

OP I used to sort of envy my friend when she was having a great life on her 'free week' - travelling, dinners out, romancing etc. But in the end I realised that what she craved was what I had (and now she has) with a dh / oh.

It gets easier as your children get a bit older. But it is so very important to try to keep your relationship with your partner alive as much as you can during the times of strain!

I totally agree with GhostsComeWith that it depends on how useful/useless/involved the ex is. Mine only sees ds 4 times a year for a week each or he will start hitting our boy in the face which simply isn't on he cannot manage stress well.

I would like to stress however that every year as a single parent you become stronger and I can now say with total conviction I do not wish for a relationship whatsoever.

I am happier now than I was ever when I was cohabiting with 4 men over the years prior to having ds. Naturally everybody's personal experiences vary but I actually enjoy and am proud of my independence. I only like men as friends.....

I do not need to be validated or rescued by some man out there and don't feel bitter either.

Hope this spurs anybody on in a plight of their own. Children grow up with each successive year things improve the main concerns are to my mind money and diy tasks. Those are the only bugbears.

Hope this helps anyone reading this sorry for woffling on.