To think it's much easier being a single parent??

[Deckmyballs]

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

You just need a babysitter op, less costly than a divorce.

I was raised by my mum. She had to do three jobs for us to get by. It was hard. I was affected by the actions of my feckless father who maintained sporadic contact. I know my mum suffered being alone.

I think you lack perspective.

YABU. I've thanked my lucky stars since the day I discovered I was pregnant, that I'm not a single parent. All those days/nights I was exhausted, just through being pregnant, that my DH looked after me. A single mum wouldn't have had that. When I was ill after giving birth and really sore after my CS, if I'm honest, my DH took on all the housework and the bulk of the childcare as I was so ill, I just had to breastfeed. A single mum wouldn't have had that.

My DH lets me have a lie in on Saturday mornings and he gets up with the (now older) baby. A single mum wouldn't have that. I split the chores with my DH. A single mum wouldn't have that. My DH brings in a wage while I stay at home with the baby.

Everything must just be so, so much harder for a single mum and I have so much respect for them; I honestly don't understand how they do it. If I want to spend time with my DH we snuggle up in front of a movie after the baby has gone to sleep, or we get a babysitter. Where you get this idea that it is easier for single parents, I don't know. It's just weird.

You do realise that a lot of single parents don't have anyone to look after the kids every other weekend? I had my first saturday off since ever as a single parent yesterday because the dc's went out with the scouts.

I've had one evening out in 2yrs. And only one or two per year before that. I went 4yrs without the dc's having sleepover at their grandparents. I get a few hours to myself (housework, errands and gym) on the 2 days that I don't work and I have the dc's all weekend, every weekend.

So yabu.

I think it's only easier if you are with a selfish pig of a partner who is a burden to you and your children.
Didn't you realise how much time children take up before you had three of them?
Get a babysitter if you are desperate for a night out, because you've got the next decade or so to get through. Unless you do split up to experience the reality of single parenting.

My ex is having nothing to do with dd because he is an abusive arsehole. I don't think I am having the experience you describe in your op. All of dds needs are met by me and me alone, I wouldn't describe it as easy no.

This isn't going to go well.

What?! How naive can you be?!

I am a single parent. I work full time. I was up at 5am this morning while my children slept doing work emails.

Exh lives 4000 miles away and comes twice a year. I have had, in three years, £800 from him. It is lucky I have a well paid job.

My father is dead. My mother helps maybe twice a year but only when I have to travel with work. I have to travel a lot. 2 days away this week and 3 next. Have to use after school care and nanny most of the time and sometimes it still all falls apart.

My exh parents also live 4000 miles away.
I have a boyfriend, however he gets to see me maybe only with my children. Get home at 6.30pm. Try to help children, get them doing homework, piano practice, catch up on their day, get them ready to go to bed, do laundry, do dishwasher, get some dinner ready. Not much time for 'relationships'. Mega guilt any time i do try to go out because of leaving children for a non work reason.

AND my biggest bugbear if I do want to go out with friends they all have to check that their DHs aren't busy! Because that would never do, to leave the children with a babysitter... Even though IT is expected by me.

Do you know what OP? As a single parent to one child since pregnancy, I would say that I have it a hell of a lot easier than some single parents on this thread. My ex lives in another country with OW and her child.

However, I have sole responsibility for my son, I work and if he's sick and off nursery I have to take time off (as I have little support), I pay every bill alone, whenever we go anywhere I pack the bloody car alone, I stop for petrol and he's in the car alone, when he's waking in the night I deal with that alone, and I have no-one who 'has my back' - that's the hardest thing of all.

And I never get this mystical every other weekend off either.
If, as others here have said, it's so much easier for us, then just divorce your husband and join us. Job done.

I notice the op hasn't been back to the thread. Hopefully that means she has realised how unreasonable she has been. Nothing wrong with not liking the situation your in, everything wrong with making unreasonable, ill thought out comparisons.

I am lucky I have fantastic parents. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to work (DS attendance for last half term was around the 80% mark, no employee would allow that much time off and understandably so). This idea of sharing parenting doesn't work quite so well when the other parent lives on the other side of the world, or is just doesn't care about the child.

I'm sure you just posted in frustration and anger at your situation, without really thinking.

I'm a single parent and have had this said to me many times. That I'm lucky I get every other weekend off.
Yes. I am very lucky as usually I am so knackered from being the sole carrier of everything for 14 days straight, that if I didn't have that time ' off' I would be a crumpled mess on the floor pretty quickly.

Course, if I did decide to go out in that time, and that means finding the money to go out when I know it should go on dd...and then finding a friend who is willing to leave their dh at home for one evening, then I would be tired and would be starting my next run of 14 days with no breather. Also going out would mean big chores would get left again, as, after doing this for 9 years, I am still unable to find a balance of work/ dd/ housework/trying to have a life myself.

Also, terribly lucky that I have to hand dd over and miss her all weekend. That I only get 2 days a month with her where there is no school. Or work.

Yep. It's all wonderful.

Dp and I separated for several months a few years ago and the dc split their time between us. My social life did pick up but that was more to cover the loneliness on the nights they were with him so yanbu to wonder at all. That was just my situation though. I grew up without a father figure and due to that, my dm didn't have the luxury of a social life.

Actually, someone I know admitted that that was part of the reason why she split from her partner was so she would get weekends free

I don't believe for five seconds that being a single parent is a walk in the park. But I have said in the past I don't understand these women who use their kids as a weapon, not allowing the father have contact. Surely you much want some time to yourself?

in a word

no

some single parents have children who don't even see their fathers[/mothers for whatever reason.

Standing. Jesus.
Yes. Sure that's all that matters when you split up with the father of your children, grabbing time to yourself.

Sometimes there is a history of domestic abuse, the father uses the kids to get to the mum, or doesn't look after them properly, or dumps them with people while they go out. And, I could go on but I fear I am wasting my breath

Ha ha ha ha ha...
When my child is with her father, I'm usually at work (away from home)
Cos I save my work for when I don't have her, of course.
My boyfriend has a child living with him.
They live 10 minutes away, we get together ( without kids) once a fortnight, at 21:00 - after bedtime. Because when I say without kids, I mean after his child's bedtime.
So we're not going out anywhere.
We don't have money for babysitters, and actually not having our kids ft, we're reluctant to use babysitters anyway.
It is very hard to keep it going.
No meedfor violins, we do what we can.
But sod off with the bollocks about it being easier to maintain a relationship! If you can't, you're simply not managing your life well.
If you can't cope with all your kids and a marriage, maybe give some back?
Or get a divorce?
No, though not.
Don't be such a muppet OP!

There is a real difference between a single parent and a shared parent. MY ex moved to the other side of the world when the children were 3 and 5, he saw them once a year. The rest of the time they were with me. The lack of social life was the easiest thing to cope with, what I found the most difficult was the overwhelming feeling of responsibility, every decision was mine from what we ate to where we lived, which school they went to, what medical treatment they had, my youngest has Aspergers and behavioural problems, every exclusion, every meeting, every consultation with psychologists was mine to deal with.

Yes, being a single parent is a doddle!

yabu - trust me (single parent to 3 kids - no family near by, working, exhausted)

So people are unable to read past a thread title now? Jeez!

My married life isn't all rosy and shared responsibility. I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking. He works. It's 50/50 if the dc go into bed in time for alone time in the evenings. He is a good parent who doesn't shy away from the kids and loves spending time with them but it is my job through other circumstances. I also don't have the time to be ill. I have to nurse a sick child while caring for the others.

I have no support from elsewhere. My kids have been with me for so long they would never go to a paid babysitter.

My observations come from knowing 4 people in split relationships who share child care. Every other weekend one if off to some lovely hotel or restaurant having much needed 'couple time'. The others enjoy simple things like going for lunch together or shopping for things without a trail of crying dcs behind them. Going to the cinema. A long walk.

I am envious I cannot spend couple time with my DH. I fear our relationship is strained through lack of time for us. It's been 6 years so far and everything now is a process. There is no thoughtful couple-ness which I don't doubt would be there if we actually had the time to give to each other.

Lonecatwithkitten has it just right: Firstly to become a single parent something awful has happened in your life both you and your DC will be affected by this

Because really if what you say is true you already have a father there who can mind the kids and you can go off and date etc.

The point you are missing is that a relationship breakdown is usually traumatic and not usually something people aspire to....yet you do?

I love the 26 days a year my DD goes to her father. Freedom. For the other 339 days I have no cover. Nil. I'm a carer for elderly parents and I work full time. I juggle. I don't (along with 3 out of 5 lone parents) receive maintenance.

So perhaps you could adopt a sort of lone parent lifestyle and trial it. Find the babysitting money for 26 nights in the next yr. For the other 339 don't accept any help with household tasks, gardening, putting bins out, decorating, domestic emergencies like burst pipes and don't take any money from his wages. You may have to move but that's part and parcel of the 'experience'

Standing I would love my children's father to see them for their sake but he choose not to. Not all absent fathers are absent because of the mother. Why did he choose not to see them? Because he is an abusive arsehole who decided to hurt me the only way he could by hurting our children.

What's this mythical thing called a night out, I don't even have family close.

You choose not to use a babysitter. You could spend time together but you make the choice not too.

This has to be a wind up by a pissed teenage boy surely?!

2 o'clock in the morning?

We haven't had a night out together in a year - Goodness a whole year, and I bet you can't even take turns to go out out with friends what with having two parents living at home and all.

And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair what terrible hardship you must be traumatised - having to be in by midnight.

They share childcare between the dcs father/mother ummm and given you have two parents at home, you can't do this because.....? You don't even have to take the children anywhere or deal with them crying because they don't want to go or deal with an ex being abusive to you when you drop off. Just take it in turns and hey presto, problem solved.

don't feel I know him - why on earth did you have 3 children with someone you don't feel you know. After 10 years... really? You sleep in the same room/bed?

I have no weekends off, I go to football on saturday morning and rugby on sunday morning I get not one lie in ever though it is getting easier now that DS is getting older. Oh and the joy of dealing with an upset vomiting child when you've got the same bug in the middle of the night.

I've had 3 proper dates (with the same person) in 8 years and one half arsed "relationship" - all of this was during the day because frankly it was just too much hassle trying to arrange babysitting in the evening. I don't think I can remember what midnight outside of my house actually feels like. DS had his first sleepover recently and I did nothing except stay at home because I couldn't think of a single person I knew who was available to come out with me who wasn;t in a couple. Married couples don;t (IME ever invite single paretns to anything in the evening).

Babysitting partly a hassle because I support myself and DS, no other income except courtesy of HMRC so babysitting is a luxury which I have to think through carefully. SO do be prepared to give up a chink of your income too.

I chose to do this and DS is certainly worth it and you won't find any whining threads from me about how hard it is. And as someone upthread pointed out - if its so very attractive then knock yourself out and split up.

Do come back and let us know how that works out for you.